


Montana

by Reservation_Red



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: A messy fic, F/F, Grey areas, not a clear cut OTP fic, shrug emoji
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-04
Updated: 2019-07-26
Packaged: 2020-04-08 00:52:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 43,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19096402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Reservation_Red/pseuds/Reservation_Red
Summary: After having split up years ago, Adora and Catra decide to take one last road trip to Montana to finally sort out the feelings between the two of them.[Warning: This story is not made to make you ship. This story is meant for the reader to question what relationships mean to them, the good and the bad.]





	1. Old Trains, Old Loves

Graffiti was a universal language for train stations. Anyone could admire it and have their own interpretation. Adora went across the narrow sidewalk, dragging her hands against the brick building. Most of the art was backjumps due to the police station that conjoined with the station. Spunky and bold. 

Visions of Catra in sports bras and leggings came into her mind. How caked with dirt and grime from trains her shoes would get. How the beating sun would set her dark skin glowing and sparkling. Cold iced teas and hot Cheetos from their favorite convenience store. Buffing Lonnie’s pieces, or spending hours trying to burn her out of the scene. 

California. 

The memories of never-ending sunsets and afternoons spent running from trainyard to Catra’s apartment and to the BBQs and then to the bars. Of being drunk and dancing close to Catra and feeling her hand wandering. 

Adora felt her stomach bury deep into her. 

“Hey, Adora.” The voice was like a slap across the face, but her heart caught in her throat. Her eyes were frozen in place. If she saw her, if she could read her face— “Thought you’d wait for me inside?”

“Got sidetracked.” Adora nodded to the graffiti. She knew it wasn’t anything like their scene, but it was still Spokane’s—her new home of two years. 

“It sucks.” Catra deadpanned. “I heard good things about the Pacific Northwest, but, if this is it, it sucks. Just sucks.”

Adora knew she couldn’t avoid her. She had invited her up after all. Under circumstances, but it was still an invite. Adora willed whatever she felt down and turned to her. 

Somethings never changed, but the things that did hurt. 

Catra’s chin and cheeks were sharper than she remembered. Her once untamable hair were wild but precise curls. Catra used to hardly ever wear makeup, but here she was with contour, highlights, and matte lipstick. She was the poster child of a California girl. She even had a hoodie with sleeves cut off, revealing what looked like matching tattoos on each side. 

That perfect and sharp smile came so quick when Catra caught Adora staring. 

“Miss me?” 

It was such a dry thing to say. 

“Of course,” Adora said, walking off the sidewalk and into the parking lot. “I miss all my friends.” 

The silence between them was obvious. Adora didn’t know why she thought being in person with her would help anything. She had missed Catra but she didn’t know how to not miss her. Even with the girl right in front of her didn’t appease the hollowness in her heart. It only seemed to emphasize what was gone; what was lost with Catra. 

Catra trailed behind and Adora didn’t once glance back. If she did, it would just give the girl too much power. She didn’t want that. Not again. 

“What,” Catra stopped with a disgusted voice, “what the fuck is that?” 

Adora stopped, fishing out the keys to her car they were near. 

“What happened to your car? What—”

“I upgraded.” Adora tiredly stared at Catra. It seems she was still overdramatic as usual. 

“A Prius is not an upgrade!” Catra hissed. “Your other car was good!”

“Catra, it was a SVX. A 1993 SVX. It died when I got up here.” Adora remembered the perilous drive up the coast and then inland. Every day, she wondered when it’d finally kick the bucket. Good ol’ Betty finally bellied up once she reached her new place. 

“Not Betty,” she huffed as Adora opened the back hatch to throw Catra’s stuff in.

“It isn’t a bad change. I save a lot on gas,” Adora reasoned, closing the trunk, but Catra just glared in that judgmental pissy way Adora loathed. 

“It seems I’ll just have to get used to a lot of changes.” Catra muttered, walking to the passenger side and trying to get in. The door was locked. This only sprurned Catra to growl even more. 

Adora took her time to walking around and getting in her side before unlocking the door. 

“Fucking hate your car. Can’t believe I’m going to be stuck in this piece of shit for—how long again?” 

“About eight hours.” Adora couldn’t help but grin a little. 

“Eight hours!? Why did I even come up here?” Catra forcefully put her seat back as far as it’d go and kicked her feet up on the dash. She didn’t seem to notice what she said, but Adora did. 

Adora pressed the ignition and put her lanyard down in the cubby. 

“I don’t know, Catra. I was hoping you’d actually tell me.” Adora spared a glance, but Catra had flipped her sunglasses on despite the cloudy summer morning. 

“I don’t even want to go there right now.” 

After all, they had broken up two years ago. Adora packed her things out of Catra’s apartment in one night and left without a word to her now girlfriend’s house. Catra got with some girl the next week. Both hated each other and the only time Catra had contacted her was once every couple of months, drunk, and yelling how she’s a bitch and a fucking loser. 

Or, when Adora got drunk and called her asking what went wrong. What she had done wrong. 

Now, here they were. 

Adora exited the parking lot and drove towards the highway towards Idaho. Their destination was Yellowstone Park, a place they promised they’d go together back in the good ol’ days. Now, it was a road trip to settle it all. To figure it all out. To put an end to whatever was left between them. 

Adora only hoped to get back home to her Glimmer. She already missed her, but, she’d have to finish this. Especially if she was going to pop the question. She couldn’t keep making excuses as to why her ex’s calls became frequent in the middle of the night. Why she couldn’t bring herself to delete Catra’s number. Why she kept saying ‘Oh, Catra would love this’ when she saw something at a shop. 

It had to end. 

And Montana would be the place to lay to rest.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A special thanks to k-owa on tumblr for the artwork! Here's a link to her tumblr: https://k-owa.tumblr.com/
> 
> Go check it out! : )


	2. House Fire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> House Fire by Someone Still Loves You Boris Yelstin

_Three Years Ago…_

These black asphalt courts were the murderers of many a good basketball shoe. Adora could see the heatwaves rise up on the streets and knew someone’s Nikes were going to be melted. 

Kyle gave her the ball and got out of the way as she quickly went into action. Her team was on offense and the other team on defense for an out of bounds ball. She was to throw in. 

“I’m open!” Lonnie bellowed first. With quick moves, Lonnie easily elbowed her defendant out of the way and jumped for an opening. Adora flicked the ball at her and took to running down the court. 

A large group of people were hollering and hooping from the rotting wooden bleachers. Some had bets who could out represent who, and which neighborhood outranked who. These were all strangers to Adora, but a fair number of them all knew Lonnie. Everyone knew Lonnie. 

“Hah! Too slow!” Lonnie dribbled the ball between some poor long-legged guy. “Adora!”

With practiced ease, Lonnie alley-oop’d it over and Adora slammed it in. 

“G-Game!” Kyle loudly squeaked. The bleachers roared with laughter and fist slamming against the wood, drowning out the losing side’s groans and clicks as money was dished out to the winners. 

Lonnie laughed, shaking her hand around like she was on fire. Adora felt the smugness and cheese with her. 

“Hey, blondie!” Some guy called out. 

“Oh, another,” Lonnie snickered on cue. Even the rest of their team, Lonnie’s squad, were oo’ing at her. “You going to actually call this one?”

Adora snorted, punching her arm and went to the guy. 

“What’s up?” She dribbled the ball, restless. It made her uncomfortable to sit there and wait to see what moves the guy would try to use. All her team loved to watch the guy fail at every step and leave feeling small, but it wasn’t like that for her. She felt bad every time. Why couldn’t she find a boyfriend like the others? 

It just seemed they were the same cut kind of guy. Every single one she turned down, or even the rare few she allowed to take her somewhere. Nothing they said interested her, but here she was, humoring the guy nonetheless. 

“You play hard and strong. You don’t get distracted like Lonnie and showboat around. You have game.” He was smiling away. 

“Oh, thanks!” Adora returned it, but she didn’t still the ball one second. At least the guy saw that and knew she wasn’t planning to stick around at this rate. 

“I wanted to see if you’d like to come down to the beach tonight. My boys and I are having a BBQ and bonfire. You can bring your friends, too,” he licked his lips and glanced over at the squad. All of them were some variation of pretty and hot. He gave a nod with his eyebrows lifting. 

The squad laughed and some waved him off with grins. By their reactions, he was a very attractive guy, but Adora didn’t see it in him. All she’s seen is a guy that’s been around a few times and had nothing to offer than his companionship.

“Hm. Pass.” Adora couldn’t look him in the eyes. She dribbled around some more before walking away, throwing the ball to Lonnie. “I got plans.”

“Wait,” the man recovered quick, taking a step towards them, “another time, then?”

“You ain’t going to get her! She’s our ice queen!” One of the squad cried out with an unapologetic howl of laughter. “Run along, pretty boy!”

The man had some humility at least and smiled, nodding, and left with his group. Once out of ear shot, the girls ran over to Adora. 

“Girl, you get his number? I want it!”

“Hey now! You got the last one! Adora, girl, I will buy you dinner tonight for his number! He was cah-yooottt!” 

Adora shook her head. 

“He said he was having a BBQ down at the beach later tonight, though. Bonfire and all. Catch up to him and see if you can tag along.” It didn’t take a second for their whole squad to ditch her and Lonnie, tailing after the man. 

“Bitches,” Lonnie scoffed, “so much for hanging out tonight.”

“I-I can still come!” Kyle, oh, Kyle, always so quiet that everyone could easily forget he was ever there. “Me and Rogelio still can!” 

Lonnie went way back with these two. They grew up from kindergarten to high school graduation. Her and Rogelio went to the same university, but Kyle was stuck in community. Adora went to a different university and was on the cusp of graduating.

“Don’t sweat it, Adora,” Lonnie ignored Kyle, “men ain’t shit most of the time. Hard to find a good one.”

Lonnie wasn’t a big sympathizer and hardly ever went out of her way to do emotional support, but Adora took it with appreciation. It didn’t make her feel as lonely. A little less broken. She couldn’t fathom being with a guy like how their squad was, but when she saw Kyle and Rogelio and how sweet they were together, she felt like she was missing out. She never had a boyfriend, or anyone like that for that matter. 

“Hey, Lonnie.” 

Adora turned to see someone she had never seen before. It looked like one of Lonnie’s gaggle of friends didn’t leave from the bleachers, but this girl… wasn’t like everyone else. She had untamable poofy hair that framed her face like angels with their auras of light. She was small and had baby face with a sharp nose and even sharper white teeth. Her skin was bronze and glowed and glimmered like dark sand on the beach. Dark sports bra and tight leggings, a flannel tied at the waist, and some expensive looking sneakers. 

The girl jumped off the bleachers and was so short and petite looking. Her voice a cackle of fire and something feisty. As if her bite was worse than her bark. She had sauntered over and just past Adora and that’s when she saw—one brown eye as reflective as amber and one dark blue. 

Something seized in Adora’s heart. Something like seeing a snake until you were almost on top of it, and something like when she got to ride her first horse. It restricted her breathing and her mind and all she could think was _hot damn_. 

“Hey, Kitty,” Lonnie said in such a voice that Adora snapped out of it, staring. What kind of voice was that? 

“Don’t call me that,” the girl glared and, wow, it was sharp as daggers. Enough to cut open a person. The words weren’t even directed to Adora, but she felt like she was left bare and naked and her heart beating on the ground. 

The girl was nearly face to face with the girl, squaring each other up. Adora felt like an outsider viewing into something she shouldn’t. The tension was so thick—

“Fine, Catra,” Lonnie’s laugh was deep within her throat. 

Then they kissed. 

And Adora felt a new meaning of rivalry with Lonnie. A profound burning sensation in her belly and heart as this girl Catra glanced at her in the corner of her eye as Lonnie kissed on her. 

“Hey Adora.” The words were complete on Catra’s tongue. It filled Adora to the brim. “Nice to actually meet you for once.”

**.  
.  
.**

“Hey, Adora,” Catra huffed, taking her feet off the dash. “Why a Prius? Why? I thought you liked mustangs?”

“I do,” the memories left her feeling raw and groggy. It didn’t even feel that long ago when she first met Catra, but it was. Her body was aflame just from it all. “But this was a smarter decision.”

“Smarter?” Wrong choice of words it seemed. “Pfft. Who cares about smarter? The mustang would’ve been way cooler than this lame nerdy crap. Why would you even choose this? I thought the mustang was all you ever wanted?”

“It would be nice to have, Catra,” Adora caught herself exhaling and drumming her fingers on the steering wheel, “but I needed a car to save money. Student loans, bills, and buying a first house sort of thing comes first.”

“And you’ll die before you pay all those loans,” Catra persisted, “so why not live for the fun? Let things work out in the end?” 

“It doesn’t work that way,” Adora remained calm, because she didn’t know if Catra was trying to get a rise out of her or not. She didn’t want to show Catra she could still get fired up quickly. Not anymore. Not like this. “Plus, Glimmer is big on being green and eco-friendly. Do you know how much we’re ruining the planet?” 

“Oh my God, and who is Glimmer? Your new girlfriend?” Catra cackled with a humiliating tone. “Oh, do you hear that Adora? What’s that? Wow, it sounds just like a whip! You’re whipped!” 

Her laugh boomed and Adora forgot just how loud and grating it could get. Especially if she was on the receiving end. 

“She is my girlfriend. For two years.” Adora evenly said, but her words were too calm. Catra knew she was pissing her off. “We are planning to get a house together next year once she graduates.” 

It was quiet and Adora wanted to glare at Catra, but she didn’t want to take her eyes off the road. They were only reaching the state line and she already regretted bringing Catra along. The girl in her memories, the one she fell in love with, was different. It was composed and collaged with the best moments they had together, it had blinded her, she realized, to the reality that Catra was unforgiving and vindictive and didn’t know when to stop teasing. And she was paying that price of ever thinking Catra would remain civil. 

“What?” Her voice was softer. “Two years? And moving in together?” 

“Yes, Catra.” The anger didn’t subside. “It isn’t so much I’m whipped but rather committed. Not that you’d know, would you?” 

The words came out so easily and Adora wished she could regret them, but she relished the shots she took. She was proud she didn’t let Catra go without taking some hits to see how it felt. Adora knew she was being childish, but it was the only way to communicate in a way Catra could understand. 

“You never told me that.” She finished. 

“And you never asked!” Adora said and eased up on the accusatory tone. “I don’t know if you remember, but you only ever called me when you were drunk or high or both. And you’d try to start fights or call me shitty things. For two whole years.”

“Hah,” Catra darkly laughed, “so I take it your girl isn’t a big fan of me?”

“No, not at all.”

“Then, why’d she let you come? Bet she thinks we’re on the side of the road killing each other.” Catra asked more than said. Her eyes were bearing into Adora and she felt choked up all of a sudden. 

Why did Glimmer let her go?

They had a big conversation on it. A civil one. A good one. Glimmer told her she needed to sort it out. That it wasn’t good to have things from the past to cling on her. Even their best friend, Bow, agreed and said he’d keep his phone with him at all times, even at Archery camp. 

“She wants this to get settled.” Adora managed but it came out sadder than she wanted. It scared her to death, how this whole thing made her upset. Because somewhere in that deep-seated turmoil of anger, sadness, jealousy, and bitterness, there was her heart, still hanging onto Catra. 

There were pieces of her that wanted Catra to come running back and say she was sorry for everything and that they could make it work and it was just a fuck up. She missed how she felt in her arms and she missed the sunburns of watching Catra make art on trains and tell Adora she was the best girlfriend ever. She missed Catra so much, but she could never have her again, because they were changed. Things changed. Catra wasn’t that girl to Adora anymore, and she wasn’t good for her, either. And it hurt so much to know she had to say goodbye to it all, because she never wanted to. 

“Whatever.” Catra kicked her feet back up on the dash. “Tell me when we’re by a liquor store. I want to be drunk.” 

It was excruciating to know she loved such a flippant, drama-filled, piece of shit person like Catra, and to know it felt like she was the only one that wanted something positive to come out of this. That she hoped Catra could show her everything could work, and that she changed for the better, but Adora knew she was just watching a house fire.

A house fire orchestrated by Catra.

Adorned with the title ‘love’.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Didn't expect these kind of reviews so I will continue this. Thank you everyone.


	3. Heat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ignition by The Wind and The Wave (Cover)

“Glimmer usually comes this way and buys most of our alcohol,” Adora said, leaning down to eye a pretty bottle of bourbon. She was a vodka girl but she liked to look at other things. Never try.

“Why?” Catra clicked her tongue, yanking a bottle of md 40/40 from the shelf. Adora felt herself smile. Some things never changed. “Can’t you just buy it in Spokane?”

“Washington liquor taxes are through the roof.” Adora straightened up and went over to grab a bottle of vodka. Belvidere. It had the prettiest bottle of them all and Adora would hate to admit that’s why she ever bought it. 

“Nu’uh. Can’t be that bad.” Catra rolled her eyes at Adora. There was still some fight in her from their conversation not too long ago.

“Twenty percent tax.” Adora hummed, walking up to the register and fishing out her wallet and ID. “Can you grab some cranberry pomegranate?” 

“What, can’t take it straight up anymore? Pussy.” Catra did go back for it, though. Adora silently appreciated that there was still some kindness in her ex. Catra came back up, putting her stuff on the counter, and stared at Adora. “I hope you’re paying.”

“I was,” Adora eyed her, frowning, “whether you asked or not.”

“Real charming.” Catra drawled, crossing her arms. “Don’t expect me to thank you and kiss your ass, too.” 

The cashier chuckled as he took Adora’s ID and rang up the transaction. Adora paid and thanked the man. When she turned, Catra already had their paper bag of booze and was heading out. 

“Good luck with your pissed off friend,” the cashier was smiling as he gestured for the next customer. 

“Yeah,” Adora absently muttered, staring at the door and exhaling. She had hoped the small gesture of buying her something would make her less unruly, but it didn’t. Back then, buying her dinner or iced tea would usually get her to behave. 

Maybe Catra really did hate her. 

Adora left the store and remembered that Catra wasn’t used to her car. She found her glaring, peeved, and impatiently rattling the door handle. 

“Fucking unlock your car!” 

“Stop! You’ll break the handle. Jesus. Here.” A sharp beep and Catra hopped in with a door slam. Adora didn’t waste time to get in, knowing she was going to get an earful. Again. 

“I fucking hate your car!”

“I know. God. Chill.” Adora huffed, turning it on. “You don’t have to say it every second. I get it, okay? If I knew you’d be so goddamn angry and pissy about it, I wouldn’t have even suggested this!” 

Why did she even offer for Catra to come up? They hated each other. Sure, there was something in Adora that she couldn’t explain, but it didn’t outweigh all of this bullshit. Who was she to think being in person would clear everything up? It only intensified their anger, their distrust, and the fact that they didn’t know each other anymore. 

“I’m sorry I even suggested it. Clearly, it was a bad idea.” Adora muttered, watching her rearview cam as she pulled out. She drove and stopped at the road that’d lead to the highway. West or East? She could easily just drive back to Spokane and have Catra catch the next train out to Los Angeles. It could save them both the unpleasant heartache of trying to make things work but also not work with your estranged ex. 

She could just live without her. Never ever hear from her again. Peg her as a shitty ex who didn’t deserve her time and effort. She could do that. She really could… honestly, she could…

“The only bad idea I see around here is your shitty hair.” Catra grumbled. The bag rustled and she heard a cap untwist. “Why bleach it? You look like a total white girl now. For real. More white than usual.” 

“What? I like it.” Adora quickly brought a hand to her golden hair. It was a thought-out choice. She had always envied the girls who had brighter hair instead of some muddled light brown blonde bullshit. 

“Platinum blonde, though?”

“It’s golden,” Adora defended, “golden!”

“Okay, golden, whatever, but are we going to go or not? We’ve been sitting here forever.” Catra took a big swig of her bottle. 

“Yeah,” Adora put her hands back on the wheel and turned. She realized she didn’t make the choice, whether they’d return west to Spokane and call off this dumbass idea, or go East and she could continue to hopelessly hope Catra would talk. She wanted to give Catra all the chances in the world, but what would come of it? What was she ever going to do to make up for years of this crap? For what happened that night Adora chose to leave and never go back? 

She was with someone else now. Someone who cared and was good to her and respected her choices and wishes. Somebody who was loyal and thoughtful and trusted her enough to be alone with an ex for a week. And Glimmer knew things were complicated, too. 

Catra could never pull anything out of her ass. Never. Nothing. Nothing! Ever! Could amount to what Glimmer had done for her. 

Yet… God, she fucking wanted Catra to pull magic. She wanted her to be a romance novel and fix everything. Some way, somehow. And Adora hated herself for it. 

“Don’t get me wrong,” Catra spoke up as they were coming up to the intersection. The choice would have to be now. Choose now, dammit! The light was turning green! Goddammit! 

“I like that you grew your hair out… you look pretty.” Catra mumbled. Adora heard the cap on the bottle screw back on. “Not that you were ever ugly.”

“T-Thanks.” 

She turned East. 

.  
.  
. 

__

_Three Years Ago…_

 

Slam dunks, outplays, out dribbling, show boating… nothing. Adora was sweating bricks as she gulped the last of her Gatorade down. No matter what she did, the girl was never ever impressed. She even outscored Lonnie this game against these other guys, but Catra didn’t even notice her. 

“You’ve been playing like there’s a recruiter watching,” Lonnie came up with Adora’s towel. “Got this from your bag. Go take a break, LeBron.” 

“Thanks.” Adora swiped it and went walking to the nearby water spigot. It was hidden near the overgrown bushes by the broken fence at the end of neighboring tennis court. The black top had its own water fountain, but after Lonnie and her saw a hobo piss in it, they swore to never use it again. 

But Adora was thankful to get away. Her heart was thumping in her chest now that she could spot Catra in the crowd. Any time the girl would look her direction, her limbs felt like jelly and she was scared to fuck up. She didn’t want to seem lame next to Lonnie, the queen of cool. 

“Fuck,” Adora kicked a rock as she finally got to the spigot. She brushed away some of the brush and turned it on. The pipe made a weird sound, getting louder and louder until finally cold water splashed everywhere on the concrete. She splashed her towel into the water, soaking up all that comforting coldness and brought it to her face. Her whole face was burning from this damn heat. She’d do anything to take a cold shower right now. Maybe it’d help her stop thinking of Catra, too. 

Adora pulled it away and flicked the excess off, exhaling. 

“Hey! Watch it!”

“Oh! Oh, oh, I’m sorry,” Adora jumped right into the spray and cursed, hopping away. “My shoes…”

Great. 

Not only did she flick all the sweaty water from her towel into Catra’s face, she just ruined her shoes like some lame ass in front of her, too. 

She dared a glance up and saw Catra grinning before a bark of a laugh came out. 

“You’re a dork!” 

Adora’s mouth opened and closed. She—uh—hey, ha-ha-ha, pretty girl… laughing… he-he…

“You’re a total weeb, I knew it,” Catra snickered, putting the back of her hand by her lips and wiping off the water. “Here I thought you were just another stuck up white girl thinking she was cool.”

H—  
“Huh?” 

Catra’s laugh was throaty and God. Who was she? Lonnie never once mentioned having a girlfriend and Adora was absolutely offended to not know. Though, yeah, Catra might be Lonnie’s girl, but Lonnie always had side pieces and ‘friends’. None like Catra, though, none. Never. 

“Most white girls who hang in the neighborhood are usually one of three things—the drug dealer’s hoe, a wannabe gangster, or a stuck up who wants to show they’re ‘woke’.” Catra listed with her fingers. She had long, maintained nails. 

“Oh,” Adora shook her head, “no, uh, I grew up here, actually. Lonnie lives down the block.”

“Really?” Catra pulled back, eyebrow raised. “Never saw you around.”

“I went to a private sch—”

“Oh!” Catra interrupted, giving such a judgmental look. “You’re the weirdo’s adopted kid, aren’t you?”

“She isn’t that—”

“Say no more. That lady is a creepy ol’ witch. Bitch, really. Nose up at every corner, treating all of us like trash when she’s just like every other person.” Catra said each word with such disgust and disdain. “Maybe you’re just a lame stuck up after all.” 

It was true in some ways. Adora noticed a distinctive difference on how Miss Weaver treated her playmates from the neighborhood and those from the school. Sometimes, before she’d leave off to these games after studying, Miss Weaver would make remarks on how she should try out for ‘real’ competitive teams, and not street hooligans. 

“I’m not like that, though,” Adora reasoned. 

“Really? Show me how.” Catra shook her head and didn’t give her the time or day. She walked away, carrying her drawstring backpack with her. It rode low, covering the view of her ass. 

“W-wait, give me a chance,” Adora caught up, walking beside her. “How can I show you? I’m friends with everyone in the neighborhood. Lonnie can vouch for me!”

“You just going to leave the water on back there? Thought you’d be more ‘woke’ about saving the planet and shit.” 

“Ah!” Adora raced back, turning it off, and ran back, too, afraid Catra would shut the window of opportunity. “Just hold on!”

“I’m holding, but not for long.” Catra stopped, nails drumming against her forearm. “Game ‘bout to start soon, too, white girl.”

“Give me a chance. I’m sure I can change your mind! I’m not like that. We can—I can show you I’m good.” Adora felt breathless still. What little break they had between games was being wasted chasing Catra and playing the field left and right for her. This girl was going to kill her. 

“Why? Why do you even care?” Catra narrowed her eyes. “Trying to get brownie points or something?”

“No, I just—I—” 

“What? Spit it out!” 

“Adora!” Lonnie yelled from their side of the court. “We’re about to start! Get over here!”

“I—I want to get to know you! I think you’re really cool!” Adora winced and clenched her jaw. There went any chance of her being not weird. She only talked to the girl once and here she had these big ideas about her. But how could she not when Catra looked like _that_? She was just so… so different! She had opinions! She was exciting! She walked the world like it was made for her! Adora couldn’t stop how her heart felt. She couldn’t describe why she had to do jumping jacks every night for an hour to stop that restless itch inside her when she thought of Catra. It was a feeling like no other… and she just had to get to know her… or else? She didn’t know. 

“I just keep thinking about you.” She closed her eyes. “And I just know I really want to get to know you… do you think that’s weird?”

When she opened her eyes, again, afraid Catra would look at her like a freak, she saw wide eyes and a weird look. 

“Uh,” Catra snapped her mouth shut, chewing on her bottom lip, “no, uh, that’s fine. Cool. Whatever. Uh, go play basketball, white girl.”

“Don’t call me that,” Adora slumped her shoulders, “can you just give me a chance to show you I’m not just some white girl?” 

Catra tilted her head, looking up at her. Such a deep thoughtful look. Adora wondered what it could ever mean. Wish she could read her mind. 

“Actually, yeah, you can. How about we meet up at seven tonight, huh? I can use your tallness for something.”

Seven?

Tonight? 

A date?

Adora looked at Lonnie who gave her a ‘what the fuck? Hurry up!’ look. 

“Y-yeah! I’d like that!” Adora beamed as something in her swelled. She felt like a child going to Disney land. “I’ll pick you up?” 

“Oh, you got a ride? Hell yeah!” Catra’s eyes shone bright. “Seven down at 7-11 by Lonnie’s. Got it?”

“Got it!” Adora couldn’t stop grinning as she dumbly waved at Catra who only went to the bleachers. Other people gave her weird looks, too, but Adora couldn’t stop cheesing. She ran to her team and Lonnie huffed. 

“Bout time! Now, let’s get this bread!” 

They broke and went to defensive positions on the court. 

Adora swore she’d puke up her heart, because any time she looked at the bleachers, Catra was there, watching her every move with a sweet little grin. 

_I’m going to make her my girlfriend._


	4. Love Kills

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Polish Girl by Neon Indian

“How did you meet?” 

Adora was expecting the question but she never thought Catra would ask. Parts of her wish she didn’t, and another screamed to tell her so the boundaries were drawn. 

“At the gym,” Adora chewed the inside of her cheek. “I had a part-time job there as a trainer and Glimmer hired me. I mean, her mom did.”

“Oh, so, she’s fat or something?” Catra was never ever gentle with words. 

“No, she has a lot of energy,” Adora corrected, “she had to work it off or else she can’t pay attention to anything.”

“Ah. Well, pictures?” Catra snatched Adora’s phone from its holder and typed in the password. 

“Catra, c’mon, you don’t even—”

“You never thought to change your password, ever?” Catra asked. Her bi-colored eyes were back on Adora’s face. “After all these years?”

Adora felt her face turn red. She hated that Catra did it so confidently, that she was able to guess it without hesitation. 

“Let’s see—oh. She’s chubby.” 

“So what?” Adora shot a warning glance at Catra. “She could throw me across the room if she wanted.”

“Hey! Nothing wrong with being a little thick.” Catra waved off Adora’s displeasure. “She’s cute, I suppose… what you do anyways? Ask for her number? Or did you do the ol’ wet sneakers and cute stutter like you did me?”

What a brat. 

Adora felt a smile creep on her face despite it all. She really loved telling people how her and Glimmer met. It was a sweet and cute and simple story. She could feel her heart bloom at the memory. 

“I had to know her number for scheduling. Nothing happened for the first month but we got along. Until, one day, I get a call and it’s Glimmer and she’s angrily going off on how she blew out her tire on the highway. How her best friend Bow couldn’t make it and she didn’t know how to use her mom’s insurance card to call for towing—”

“She sounds a bit thick in the head.” Catra commented and earned a shove. Adora felt her hand grow weak. It was the first time they had touched this whole time. 

“—as I was saying—” Adora gave Catra a stern glance, hoping she wouldn’t be interrupted again “—so, I felt bad, but also because I couldn’t miss out on the pay. I drove all the way up past the Y up North Spokane. She forgot she even had a spare, so I went and changed it, but she had stripped one of the lug nuts so bad that I had to cancel another appointment just to switch the tires. We got to talking and she invited me to coffee and lunch… and, well, we got to know each other.” 

Catra didn’t say anything. Mostly because Adora filled the silence before she could ever talk, but Catra could’ve if she wanted to. She could’ve said ‘good for you’ or ‘typical lesbian’ or something. She didn’t, though. 

“She was so funny and determined to do this and that. She had a sense of adventure and we began to do weekend sessions by hiking and exploring. We didn’t really know what we were getting into until we went camping and backpacking in Olympia. I, uh, I asked her out, then, because I realized she became more to me than a friend.”

Adora stole a peek at Catra and saw the girl staring away out her own window. She had such a blank expression. In their year together, Adora still couldn’t ever pin down what was on her mind. She was mysterious and aloof and, even when they were together back then, Adora wondered if she ever really knew the girl. 

“You should really change your passcode on your phone, dumbass.” Catra recklessly tossed Adora’s phone back into the cubby. 

“Hey! Don’t crack it!”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” she grumbled, “story book ending, huh?”

Adora was about to quip that, yeah, it was about to be, that it could be, but what good would it even do? She could tell she hit a nerve with Catra and it made her feel a mix of satisfied and ashamed. She wished things were under better circumstances, but they weren’t. Adora had told Glimmer that her emotions were everywhere. That she could love two people at the same time, but her choice was made. She knew who she wanted. She just… she just had to see Catra one last time so she would never ever want her again. To remind herself why she left in the first place. Even if her heart hoped Catra would prove her wrong. 

Of course, Glimmer understood. Despite her stubborn and impatient ways, she had endless support and love for her. It was something Adora didn’t take lightly. Even now, sitting next to Catra, she was smiling to herself. 

“Do you have anyone?” Adora spoke up. It had been on her mind, too, but she couldn’t tell whether Catra would lie. She knew better than anyone how Catra could casually hide the truth or play off questions as if it was nothing. It was one of the things that made Adora leave. 

“No.” Catra wouldn’t look at her. 

Was she upset?

Was she… jealous?

Adora couldn’t interrogate further because a loud ringtone erupted from Catra’s phone, causing both of them to jump and shoot a look at it. 

PUSSY CAT, PUSSY CAT, I LOVE YOU~

“Excuse me?” Adora erupted into a laugh at the absurdity. 

“Shut up! I don’t know!” Catra growled with sudden anger. “This thing is broken!”

Catra deftly screened the call and slammed it back into her lap. 

“So annoying.” 

“Who is it?” Adora couldn’t imagine who Catra would tolerate to allow such a thing. It was one of her biggest peeves to have people make jokes or puns off her name. She absolutely loathed it. 

“Nobody!”

The ringtone came up again and Catra roared, trying to turn off her phone, but the calls kept coming faster than she could hastily power it down. 

“Just answer it!” Adora was suspicious and curious. Who was it? 

“Fuck!” Catra finally answered. 

“Catra! Wildcat! You didn’t call me when you got there!” A loud, cheery voice practically boomed from the phone. It wasn’t even on speaker. “I told you to call me so I didn’t worry! I waited and waited like you said but I just got so worried! Are you okay?”

“Yes! I’m fine! Why couldn’t you just text me!” Catra seethed angrily. “I fucking said to text!”

“I—well, yeah, you did, I know, I’m sorry, but my RA is hurting up a storm today! It’s raining down here! You liked the rain and I thought of you and thought you’d like if I called and told you it was raining! And, boy, do I miss your voice—”

“Enough, I get it,” Catra was still bristling, “I’m fine. Okay? I have to go.” 

“What? Oh, right, you’re with your friend! Tell her I said hi! I—” Catra hung up on the woman. Whoever it was, they were close. Very close. 

“Wildcat?” Adora didn’t wait to ask. “I thought you said you didn’t have anyone close to you…”

“I don’t, okay? So, just, shut up.” 

Adora felt a bitterness in her mouth at Catra outright lying to her again. She could see it in how her ears were red and the twitch in her eyebrow. It felt so surreal to hear it like this all over again. It was like old times in the worst ways, but, this time, Adora wasn’t going to let it slide. 

“Why are you lying to me again?” Adora sighed. She wished she could leave the car and stretch her legs, but it hadn’t even been twenty minutes since the liquor store. She couldn’t handle having arguments in cars. It made her feel trapped like they were in a battle dome, facing off, rather than communicating. Not that Catra knew the difference. “I thought you came up so we could clear things up. To be friends again.”

“Yeah? Well, maybe I don’t want you knowing all my business. You sure loved getting all up in it back then, didn’t you?” Catra flicked her eyes at her. “Plus, who said I wanted to be friends?”

Adora’s mouth went dry and her stomach flopped around restlessly. Somewhere in her, that pain and sadness was welling up, and she could feel her heart drowning in it. 

“I do, I want to be friends,” Adora said, taking time to give Catra a long, hard stare, “that’s why I wanted you to come back up.”

“You sure? Just friends?” Catra sniffed. “I doubt it.” 

“Catra—”

“Whatever. You should’ve invited Glimmer to this rather than me. Looking pretty shady if you ask me.”

“Catra!”

“What? Afraid to be like me?” 

“Catra! I did not say that! What the hell?” 

“Whatever. Just fucking whatever.” 

_What happened to us?_

.  
.  
.  
_Three Years Ago…_

Hardly worn, Adora put on the best and coolest and whitest sneakers she owned. A sign of maintenance and devotion that not a single crease or speck of dirt marred them. She put some tight jean shorts and a jersey. If she dressed up any fancier, Miss Weaver might suspect something.

Throughout dinner, Adora did her routine and completed homework at the table without question. Miss Weaver remained in her study, poring over several academic papers and medical magazines. The news droned on from her room. Another day, just another day. Adora tried her best to play it cool and ran down the stairs like it was nothing. It wasn’t uncommon for her to go out at this hour with friends. 

“Adora.” 

She froze but stopped at the bottom of the stairs. 

“Yes, Miss Weaver?” Adora turned, forcing a smile to look up at her guardian. The woman always had a sour and ugly look on her face, but her eyes were sharp and shrewd. 

“Where you off to tonight? I hope it’s not those street kids again. If you’re so interested in basketball, I can call some recruiters and have you signed up with a competitive team. Your chances of success are far more likely there than with these… street rats…”

It made Adora sad that she’d ever regard her friends like that. Miss Weaver was Lonnie’s great aunt, but they never went to family events except Christmas and Easter. Since it’s what good Christians did, to break bread with family, even if Miss Weaver said it was beneath them otherwise. 

“Lonnie and Rogelio are doing homework down at the diner. I wanted to go and study.” Adora piped up with a smile. Miss Weaver was less harsh when she smiled. 

On cue, the older woman exhaled. 

“I suppose it’d look good to say you lead weekly study groups to prospective internships.” Miss Weaver didn’t break her stare, though. “However, you better be taking your vitamins… your memory seems to be slipping if you are going to study without your backpack.”

“Oh, no, it’s right here,” Adora thought ahead of time, just in case. She pointed to her bag she left in the foyer. 

“Adora,” Miss Weaver shook her head, lifting a glass of wine to her lips. She took a short sip, releasing the tension in her shoulders. “What did I say about leaving your stuff in the foyer? It’s untidy. It’s not a good look.”

“Oh, yes, sorry, Miss Weaver. I will put it up next time.” Adora grabbed the bag, practically hopping in place, waiting to be dismissed. 

Miss Weaver watched, amused, and used her hand to wave her off. 

“I’m glad you take your studies passionately, though. Off, then. Be back before eleven.” She disappeared and assumingly into her study. 

Adora jumped in place and quickly darted out the door, racing to her car, and headed towards the 7/11 near Lonnie’s. She felt her heart thumping loud in her chest at the thought of having Catra to herself. They could talk about a lot of things—she could learn her favorite color, movie, song, and what she wants to do when she graduates, where she lives, if she likes the beach, and maybe if she’d like dinner? 

Adora arrived twenty minutes early. She didn’t want to waste a minute or second. She fished out her phone and went to work immediately. 

\- Hey, Lonnie

_What’s up?_

Adora was thankful Lonnie was responding quickly. 

\- You studying?

_No lol I’m doing other things ; )_

Adora paused. 

Other things had a lot of implications. With Lonnie, it meant either girls, getting high, or graffiti. 

\- Oh lol tagging the trains?

It took awhile for this response. It made her anxious, afraid that Catra was with Lonnie. It might mean Catra was more than a friend with benefits, then. 

_No. Gotta girl over. Whats up? Talk fast cause Im bout to get busy lol_

Adora chewed her lip, running her thumbs over the screen until she got the nerve to ask. 

\- is it Catra? 

“Hey.” A knock came to her window and Adora squeaked, dropping her phone and expecting a weirdo, but was met with Catra grinning. “You creeping out here or something?”

“No!” Adora hastily retrieved her phone and rolled down the window. “I was waiting for you!” 

“Kind’ve early, isn’t it?” Catra tapped her wrist with a wink but went around and hopped into the passenger. She took a moment to glance the car over. 

“What an ugly junker.” She snickered. 

“Maybe,” Adora said, starting her car again, “but she’s my junker, Ol’ Betty.”

“You even named it? What a dweeb.” Catra ran a hand through her hair. “Do you mind if I—” she pulled out a fat blunt, already pulling a lighter out and ready to begin. 

“Hey, wait, no, you can’t, not in here!” Adora almost threw herself on Catra. “Miss Weaver would kill me!”

“Oh, jeez,” Catra blew hair out of her face before stuffing it away. “Fine. We’ll just do it at the yard.”

The yard? Adora wasn’t sure what the ‘yard’ was. Maybe they were going to a BBQ? 

“Lonnie wasn’t kidding you were a tight ass.” Catra stretched in the seat. “Might as well turn off your car. You can park it here. A cousin of mine works here at night. Told him you’d be leaving your car here for a couple of hours.” 

Adora blankly stared at Catra. 

“Uh,” she licked her lips, “what exactly are we doing?”

This time Catra grinned and gave her a naughty look. 

“What do you think we were going to do?”

“Uh! Well! I thought we would, uh, go hang out, or maybe grab something to eat?” Adora felt like she was misunderstanding everything. 

“That,” Catra’s grin grew and Adora could see just how sharp her canines were. They’d leave pretty good marks on skin if they wanted. “Sounds like a date, doesn’t it?”

Adora’s whole face went red and she was left sputtering.

“I—are you and Lonnie dating? Are you?” Adora finally spoke up, hiding her face in her hands. She didn’t want to believe they were and hoped Catra was just a side game, but now she felt like a woman stealer. Not that Lonnie was a saint and didn’t do the same to everyone. 

“Well, we did make out in front of you,” Catra tapped her bottom lip and chuckled. “It seems like we are, doesn’t it?”

That didn’t help at all! 

Adora was going to fluster more but Catra opened the passenger door. 

“C’mon. Let’s go to where I want to bring you.” Catra nodded at her and it was only then that she heard the distinctive rattle of metal cans in Catra’s drawstring. 

Hm?

“Okay.” Adora manually locked all the doors and got out, double checking she had her keys. 

“That looks tiring,” Catra waited for Adora to catch up. “You can’t possibly love that car that much. What kind of car do you really want?”

“Oh!” Adora clapped her hands together. “I’d really love a mustang! A yellow one!”

“Yellow? What an awful color.” Catra laughed, walking towards the empty street. The streetlights were awful down this way, and Miss Weaver often said it was dangerous out this late, too, but Adora wouldn’t dare tell Catra she was pussing out. She followed the girl down the street. 

“A mustang? Well, well, you might actually have good taste after all.” The compliment was lined with an insult, but Adora didn’t care. It made her feel good, it made her feel like she passed a test. 

The air was hot and humid. The California sunset was cradling the distant skyline of apartments and telephone wires and something Adora was growing and bursting. Everything felt so right as she walked with Catra. It felt like something good was just around the corner. 

Maybe some rain, she guessed, but something else—something warm and hot in her heart. It was as if they were meant to be. The July night held promise deep in her and she couldn’t wait to see how it went. 

Though, she felt conflicted, too. She didn’t want to move in on Lonnie’s girl… but, Lonnie did say she had another with her at the time… 

Adora absently chewed her lip and drowned the world out with her thoughts. So much so that she ran into the fence that Catra stopped at. 

“You’re a bit spacey, aren’t you? Lonnie said you were some genius or something, but, uh, I feel like she was playing on me now.” Catra actually seemed unimpressed. “Or are you just one of those weirdos who seem dumb as rocks but super smart?”

Adora cleared her throat, smiling, feeling the fence lines throb on her face. 

“I get good grades, yeah,” she didn’t know if she could say she was a genius without feeling arrogant. “I go to UCLA.” 

“Ah, right, smarty pants. Well, I don’t care what you’re going in for. You’re a good basketball player, though. Surprised you don’t try out?” Catra was fingering around the fence until she found purchase. There was a part of the fence that had been bolt cut. She easily slid through like an alley cat and motioned for her to follow. 

“This is pretty small,” Adora eyed it, gingerly pulling the fence back. She’d scrape herself up if she went in. She looked up and saw the top was covered in barbed wire. Damn. “But I’ll try.”

Adora crouched and had to shimmy her way in, hissing as the fence dug into her arm and peeled some skin off. 

“Bitch.” She growled but came out no worse. She was opened her mouth but Catra was already ahead of her, walking away with no sign of stopping. “Hey!”

“Keep your voice down, numbnuts!” Catra whispered as Adora caught up. “Not exactly a public place we’re going.”

Adora didn’t know what she was getting into, but she came this far. Worse came to worse, she could call Rogelio or Lonnie to bail her out… most likely Rogelio… Lonnie might find it fishy… ugh, was it, though? If Lonnie was potentially cheating on Catra already? 

Were they even an item?

“I just like the sport. I don’t want it to get ruined,” Adora quietly said, glancing around nervously. “It’s a hobby.”

“I see. And how tall are you, again?” Catra dismissed it entirely. “You’re taller than Lonnie. That’s for sure.”

Adora couldn’t help but notice Catra’s eyes go up and down her. She didn’t know why but her lower half ached as a heavy heat rested in her stomach. 

_Oof._

“Six foot.” Adora smiled. “What about you?”

Catra snorted. 

“How does it feel up there? Being so tall and all? I’m just 5’2.” Ah, so she was pretty short. Not that Adora minded. 

“And you needed my height, right? For what, exactly?” Adora asked as they rounded the corner of some big warehouse. Behind it, there were the train tracks and train yard. It was littered with plastic bags and cans. She swore she saw a used needle near an empty, rusted barrel. 

It smelled like oil and grease and iron. Maybe a little like piss near the buildings. 

“Tagging.” Catra grinned, taking off her drawstring finally. Adora was able to fully appreciate what it was hiding now. Cute. “Lonnie buffed my work out a week ago and I want to get her back.”

“Buffed?” She heard Lonnie say that a few times, but she wasn’t sure what it meant. Except it was about graffiti, of course. 

“Yeah,” Catra pulled her blunt back out, lighting it up, and taking a drag. She hacked a little, cursing to herself as clouds of smoke billowed from her. Adora kept her distance. The smell was too distinct to really ever cover it. “It’s when someone erases your stuff so they can tag over it. A prick thing to do, but it’s fine. Lonnie sucks at it anyway.”

“Okay… so I’m helping you, uh, buff?” Adora watched and glanced to the nearby trains. So much grafitti was already on it and she couldn’t tell what half of it said. She wondered if Lonnie’s was one of them. 

“No, idiot, I need you to boost me so I can reach some places.” Catra was making quick work of the blunt. “So, you in, or not?”

“I’m in,” Adora blurted, afraid she’d be called a pussy. She didn’t want Catra to write her off so quick, and she wasn’t against graffiti or anything. Defacing public property like trains wasn’t a big concern and she thought it brought color to an otherwise boring thing. “Where do we start?”

Catra kept puffing away for a minute or three until the blunt was done. She threw the stub to the ground and motioned for Adora to follow. By now, the sun was disappearing and leaving a pink and orange fire in the sky. The colors were draining so quickly that when they got to Lonnie’s piece, the sky was lilac and blue. Dark clouds were rolling in, though, and the smell of asphalt was growing ripe. It was definitely going to rain. 

“Here.” Catra was starting to unpack her spray paint. Adora examined what she gestured to and it was, uh, not as grand as some of the others. Adora was by no means a connoisseur of graffiti but she felt like it wasn’t what she expected. “Her work is so shoddy I don’t even need to buff this. Just watch.”

Catra loaded herself up with three cans and went to Adora. 

“Get me on your shoulders.” She said without reservation. Adora felt her stomach tense in excitement at the prospect of having Catra’s legs on her shoulders. She was still wearing those provocative leggings, too. 

“Alright, here you go.” With some cussing and wobbling, Catra sat on Adora’s shoulders and had her move close to the train. 

“Tell me if you need a break. This should only take thirty minutes or an hour. Maybe.” Catra already began her handiwork and Adora kept as still as possible. 

The night grew darker and darker until the lights flicked on above them. It made her feel anxious because they were in plain sight, but not another soul was around. Just them. The rain had yet to come, but Adora was waiting for the first sign of it. She would hate to see Catra’s work come undone because of it. 

They had to have stayed like that for at least forty minutes. Adora’s back and shoulders were aching something bad, but she didn’t want to ask her to get down. She could smell Catra’s perfume and laundry detergent. She could feel her soft but firm thighs clench every now and then. It made Adora drunk with the need to kiss her, the need to lean over and kiss the inside of her thigh. 

Nobody had ever made Adora feel this way before. She always heard of sex and romance and everything, she even masturbated, but nobody had ever inspired such feelings in her. It was new territory and everything in her body was rushing to get to Catra, but she couldn’t. Not yet. Not if she didn’t know if the girl for sure liked her. 

“Done!” Catra’s voice was booming with laughter and mischief. As she climbed down, the first raindrop hit. 

Another.

Then it was really wanting to pour. 

“Your art!” Adora gasped. “It’s going to get ruined!”

“Nope! It’ll only get better!” Catra was running towards the warehouse, seeking cover in an awning for some barrels. Adora backstepped, trying to get a good look, and she felt something in her. 

LOVE KILLS

That was Catra’s big message over Lonnie’s. It had colors that mixed and blended but also stark outlined things. It wasn’t as illegible as some, but it had style. It had ‘umph’ to it. 

“You’re going to get soaked!” Catra called out and Adora turned and fled to join her. Catra was still giggling, staring at her work. The street lamp fell perfectly on it as if it was an art exhibition. “It’s good, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, it’s really cool,” Adora said, but couldn’t muster the enthusiasm, “but, what do you mean, Love Kills?”

Catra didn’t seem to expect the question. In the darkness of the awning, Adora could only interpret the silence and shuffling. 

“Love is overrated,” Catra cooly responded, “you think the world is great, and, well it’s not and you get hurt.”

Adora wanted to tell her she was wrong, that love isn’t like that at all. She couldn’t imagine ever wanting to hurt Catra. She would fight with all her heart not to, and she had just met the girl. What else would she do if they were actually together?

“Sounds like the wrong kind of person.” She said, hoping it wasn’t Lonnie that made Catra so jaded. “The right person won’t do that.”

“Right or wrong, you hurt people. People can’t change that,” Catra muttered and Adora could sense the hurt rising up in the girl. She didn’t know what to say or do. She wanted to prove her wrong in every way, but what could she even do? 

Adora never had been in love before. She didn’t know what a relationship was like beyond play flirting with friends, or the few lame dates she took from guys. Even then, it was all so miniscule compared to this moment. 

“I wouldn’t want to hurt you,” Adora’s mouth worded faster than she could school it, “I would never want to hurt you.”

Catra didn’t respond. The rain grew louder and louder on metal roofing and it was pouring. The air grew cooler. Her eyes were only now slowly making out Catra’s face. The girl had been staring at her the whole time.  


How fast did her eyes adjust? 

How long was Catra staring into her eyes before she noticed? 

Adora was so fixed on looking into Catra’s eyes that nothing prepared her for the hand that took her own. Everything in her lit up like a house fire. Her hand burned and ached where she was touched and her heart was going wild.

“Thanks.” Catra said, quiet, small. “Not everyone means that.”

“I won’t ever try to hurt you,” Adora squeezed her hand, “not if I can help it. I promise. I just want you happy… even if we just met.”

She didn’t need anything more than Catra’s thumb rubbing the back of her hand. In silence, they stood under their shelter, watching the rain fall, and waiting for it to let up so they could depart. 

Adora wished it would never stop, though.


	5. Oops~

_Three Years Ago…_

Every day, Adora would tail it to 7/11 to meet Catra, grinning, and uncaring their first time ruined her good Jordan’s forever. She began to only wear her hoodies, shorts, and casual shoes whenever they’d hit the trainyard up. 

Adora loved every second she got with Catra. It was pure bliss. Even if they hadn’t held hands again or had any deep discussions like last time. It didn’t matter. Just being around her made every day worth it. 

Two weeks had gone by in a flash. Adora found herself at the diner with Lonnie, Rogelio, and Kyle. 

“Adora,” Kyle spoke over the other two, “you okay?”

“What?” Adora blinked. She was resting her head in her hand, lazily swirling her bowl of melted ice cream. 

“You didn’t eat any of your ice cream,” Kyle was frowning. “You always ate all of your ice cream.”

All the attention was on her as Lonnie and Rogelio began to notice she hadn’t even contributed much to the conversation, either. 

“Yeah,” Rogelio said. He hardly ever spoke, which made Adora realize she was being weird. “You haven’t said anything.”

“What’s up, girl?” Lonnie slid closer to her, wrapping an arm around her shoulder and jostling her about. Adora forced a smile and shrugged away. 

“I don’t know, just,” her lips twitched into a true smile. She was staring into her bowl. The chocolate ice cream was the same shade of Catra’s hair. When was she going to text her?

“Why you smiling?” Lonnie had a wicked grin, leaning forward, trying to score the truth out of her. “You got a boyfriend?”

“Or girlfriend!” Kyle piped. 

Rogelio only watched. His face was stoic as usual, but Adora saw something in his eyes. She couldn’t decipher what it could possibly be. 

“Oh! She’s blushing! She’s blushing!” Lonnie was a shameless bully. She held Adora close, bonking their heads together. “How could you not tell me, your best friend?! Spill it!”

The word best friend had never been used between them. Even if Adora knew they were. Instead of feeling great Lonnie affirmed it, she felt guilty, too. Here she was, creeping on her best friend’s girl. 

“Do we know her?” Kyle joined. 

“Is it someone on our team?” Lonnie was digging hard. “Oh, don’t tell me its Laryssa! She gets around too much!” 

“Like you don’t,” Rogelio added, “you’ve had probably five times more girls than Laryssa has ever had.”

Lonnie stuck out her tongue but didn’t release Adora from her arms. She had never felt so trapped and bluntly confronted with her actions. She was really, really trying to steal Catra from Lonnie, wasn’t she?  


She hadn’t made ‘moves’ on her but her intentions were muddled between being friends and hoping for more. Adora couldn’t handle the idea of betraying Lonnie like that, even if the girl was the biggest player she knew in LA. 

“I—uh—” Adora didn’t know how to break it. Let alone in front of Kyle and Rogelio, who were angels. 

“She’s uncomfortable, guys,” Rogelio intervened, “give her space. She’ll tell us when she wants to.”

“Oh! I’m sorry!” Kyle instantly let up. “I—I just got so curious. You never seemed interested in anyone before, I thought, maybe, you were aromantic or asexual.” 

“A what—how could she be a romantic or a sexual if she never got any of that?” Lonnie raised her eyebrows. Adora was glad the subject had changed and felt immense relief when Lonnie untangled from her. 

“No! Not a romantic or a sexual! Aromantic and asexual! Aromantic means little to no attraction to relationships! Asexual means she doesn’t uh want to have,” Kyle glanced around before leaning in, whispering, “sex.”

“What? Those are things?” Obviously, Lonnie couldn’t fathom such things. “I don’t understand but, whatever, ain’t my business!” 

Adora knew she dodged a bullet, but this was an issue that had to be confronted sooner or later. She couldn’t keep going behind Lonnie’s back with romantic intentions. It didn’t help that Lonnie never addressed Catra as her girlfriend or her friend with benefits. And Catra didn’t talk about Lonnie unless it was about her poor graffiti skills. 

_Moments later…_

“Hey,” Rogelio stopped Adora on their way out. Kyle was poking about, too, but was very intent on distracting himself. Lonnie had already left walking back to her house, saying she had things to do. The fact they had waited for her meant something was up. 

“Hey,” Adora suspiciously replied, lifting an eyebrow. “What’s up?”

Rogelio never really talked to her one on one. In fact, she doubted they ever did before. 

“I know who you’ve been hanging out with,” Rogelio said. 

“Ah!” Adora felt her whole face go red again. “How’d you know?!”

That’s why Rogelio was so inclined to listen earlier. He must’ve been waiting to see if she’d come clean. Did that mean—

“I know who Catra is, too,” Rogelio continued, “and know she’s been staying with Lonnie.”

Wait.

“What?” Adora knitted her brows together. “Staying with Lonnie?”

“Yeah. She’s bunked in.” Rogelio was staring deep into her eyes. “You didn’t know, did you?”

It made sense as to why Catra always came earlier than she did, and how Lonnie was always pulling girls when Catra and her were out. It was too coincidental they met at the 7/11 near Lonnie’s every time, too. 

“She… didn’t tell me that.” Adora licked her lips. She felt betrayed in a way. Catra never denied her and Lonnie were a thing, but to live together? That was too much. Catra was knowingly and willingly hanging out with Adora. She wasn’t thick-skulled, either. Adora knew deep down that Catra knew how Adora felt. She always wore her heart on her sleeve. 

“Catra has a reputation,” Rogelio exhaled, “she runs through people, Adora. She bounces from person to person. She doesn’t stick with people for long.”

“And we’re afraid she’s going hurt you!” Kyle blurted from around the corner of the diner. Adora gave him a shocked look. “Ah! I’m sorry! We’re just worried!”

“I—”

“It’s okay,” Rogelio frowned, putting his large hand on her shoulder. “I knew you didn’t know, but I wanted you to know. I’m only concerned.” 

“A-and,” Adora felt herself shake a bit, “you—did you tell Lonnie—y’know, about… about Catra and me, hanging out?”

“No.” Rogelio’s eyes grew sympathetic. “I don’t even think Lonnie cares.”

Was it bad that they spoke so ill of Catra and it didn’t make Adora shy from the thought of her? That the only thing that made her truly feel something was the fact Rogelio, so confidently, said Lonnie wouldn’t care? 

She only felt hope. It buried so deep in her heart that it might as well have been its core. 

“You know how Lonnie is,” Rogelio shrugged, “she has a lot of other girls she sees. She doesn’t even talk of Catra, really.”

“But you should still be careful!” Kyle reminded. “I really think you shouldn’t get too close!”

Catra wasn’t like that. The longer she hung out with Catra, the more she realized the girl was lonely, sad, and exhausted. She had obviously been burnt by someone or something in the past for her to graffiti anti-love messages every time. She did it with a laugh and smile, but Adora knew something was eating at her. She only wished she knew what. 

And, to figure out why Catra wouldn’t tell her why she was living with Lonnie. 

She may like Catra—okay, may be highly infatuated with her—but it didn’t excuse that Catra was living and potentially sleeping with her best friend while also accepting and hypothetically making moves back to Adora. 

It had to be one or the other. Adora didn’t want to be treated second best or have Lonnie given sloppy seconds. Even if she was cheating and seeing other girls. 

One or the other.

**.  
.  
.**

“Hey,” Adora felt her heart rise in her chest when the phone picked up. They had to stop twenty minutes later because the alcohol went straight through Catra. She always did have a small bladder.

“Hey!” Glimmer’s voice was so comforting and sweet. It made all her tension release as she took a big exhale. She hadn’t realized how irritable she was getting until now. 

“What’s with that sigh?” Glimmer laughed. “Already want to snap her neck?”

“A little!” Adora sharply inhaled. “It’s like she got more difficult with time! She’s always trying to start a fight with me!” 

“Hm, I see,” the laughter had left and Glimmer sounded thoughtful. A little too quiet for her usual boisterous nature. “Do you think you two can become friends?”

Friends…

Adora wasn’t sure what she wanted, but friends was the best option. Somewhere in her, she wanted it to work, but at what price? She’d lose Glimmer. One of them would have to move out, and then what? Custody wars over who gets to see Bow during the weekends? 

Adora loved her new life and family up in Washington. She didn’t want to trade it for the world, but Catra brought old wounds and feelings back. She forgot how intoxicating the girl could be. 

If she was to choose Catra… if the impossible had happened and they could make it work… who said it would ever last? 

Catra didn’t change at all in ways Adora had hoped. The girl had accused her of wanting to cheat on Glimmer and then goes around and tries to cover up she has someone back home who loves her. Typical Catra to be probably living with someone, having them say they love her, and, yet, yet—

Adora covered her mouth to prevent Glimmer from hearing her shaky breath. 

What the fuck was she doing here? Catra was right. She should’ve taken Glimmer. She was no better than Catra. She didn’t want to cheat—she’d break up with Glimmer if it ever came to that—not that it’d ever! She wouldn’t allow it! She loved Glimmer and Glimmer loved her and they had a future together. 

Catra? The fucking asshole couldn’t commit even if her life depended on it. 

“Are you okay, Adora?” Glimmer’s voice was soft, worried, and so full of love. Love just for her. Only her. “If things are getting bad, you can always just turn around and come home… I will even pitch in to help Catra get a ticket home. I know you took money out of your savings for this…”

Adora pulled her hand away, leaning her head back on her car seat, and pathetically, bitterly laughed. 

“No… it isn’t that bad,” Adora didn’t know if she was lying, “I just… I miss you… and I wish we did this instead. It would’ve meant so much more to me.”

“I miss you, too,” she could hear the smile on Glimmer’s face. “I always miss you, but I know how much you need this. To just straighten it all out and get your feelings out there, y’know? It ate you up so much—it still does. I want you happy, and I know telling Catra how she hurt you and how much she yanked you around will help. I just hope she apologizes to you.”

Adora doubted Catra ever would. It was obvious from the way she acted that she couldn’t ever comprehend she was in the wrong. 

“It’s so hard,” Adora admitted. She toyed with her hair and bit her lip. “Sometimes, I—I feel like… it feels like I never got over her.”

“Sweetheart…” 

“And I feel so mad at myself for it,” Adora raised her voice, “because why should I care about her? Why should I even worry what she thinks? Why am I just so—ugh, I don’t know. I just—I can’t help but wonder if she ever loved me at all.”

It was quiet for a few moments and Adora was anxious that Glimmer would get upset, but of course she wouldn’t. Glimmer wasn’t like that. She wasn’t Catra. 

“It’s hard, I know,” Glimmer was trying herself for words, “first loves are the worst. I used to love Bow, remember? It took a long time for me to get over him and we’re best friends! I can’t believe I ever liked him like that!” 

She laughed and Adora couldn’t help but chuckle, too. She had helped Glimmer overcome that. And they fell in love. Together, they both helped each other out of dark places, and Glimmer never once faltered as Adora’s number one cheerleader. Never. 

“Some days, I wonder if Bow and I would’ve worked out. Not that I want it, obviously, because I have a beautiful girlfriend to come home to every day,” Glimmer teased and earned more laughs, “but it’s just—ugh, god, I hate myself for this, but it’s like what my mom says—we can’t sit and think of potentials and maybes. We make choices, active choices, and it’s our responsibility to make sure it’s the best ones, the happiest ones.”

Adora loved Glimmer’s mom and her grand wisdom for everything. She swore the woman was like five hundred years old. She hardly ever seemed a day over thirty when she was actually fifty. 

“It’s a choice of who you love,” Glimmer was growing quiet again, “and I chose you.”

Adora felt her cheeks redden and she chewed on her lips, smiling away, and glancing up to the pit-stop’s restrooms. Catra was coming out, looking pissy as per usual. 

“And I choose you, too,” Adora felt the confidence return to her. “You’ve always been there for me. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

Catra caught her gaze and suddenly… she had smiled. A genuine smile. 

“Catra is coming back. I have to go, okay?” Adora hovered her finger over the end call button on her car’s touchscreen. She loved Bluetooth. 

“Okay,” Glimmer hummed, “I miss you and be safe. Call me when you get to the hotel, okay? Or tonight?”

“Of course. I love you.”

“Aw, _gay_.” Glimmer drawled. “I’m just kidding. I love you, too, Adora.”

With that, Adora hung up with a few seconds to spare before Catra hopped in. 

“Can we go or is your small bladder going to need to pee again?” Adora smiled a little, hoping Catra’s smile meant good things. 

“Whatever, dork ass,” she gave her such an endearing look, “let’s go. I’m actually getting kind’ve excited to see Yellowstone.”

What was with this girl? So hot and cold. 

“Yeah, me too,” Adora couldn’t stop from smiling. Glimmer’s words were a salve to her bursting heart. Having Catra be civil and friendly was good, too, because maybe they could actually be friends again. 

Adora went to shift into reverse and felt Catra’s hand go over hers. Immediately she jerked away, shocked. 

“Uh—”

“What?” Catra’s eyes were wide. 

“You—what—what’re you doing?” Adora asked. So many emotions were running through her head. 

“I thought—I thought you were trying to hold my hand,” Catra flustered, “isn’t—isn’t that what you were doing?” 

“N-no! I was shifting into reverse!”

Adora felt her heart thumping heavy in her chest. She could feel her arms shake with it as her whole face was flushed. 

Catra was going to hold her hand. She would’ve returned the gesture if she initiated—

“Oh, awkward,” Catra sniffed, shifting her gaze away. 

Maybe it was at this moment that Adora should’ve known that this trip wasn’t okay. 

Maybe it was now she should’ve known better.

But she didn’t.


	6. Meant To Be

_Three Years Ago…_

A person’s room said a lot about themselves. 

People who had their rooms in perfect condition were never home. It was another showcase to show off how well they were off. To even sit on their bed would be an affront to their perfection. 

The messy rooms, though—those were fun. Everyone’s business strewn everywhere, an I-Spy puzzle begging to be picked and found. 

Catra preferred the messy rooms. They were comforting. It meant existing in them wasn’t a bad thing—that she could come and go as she pleased without evidence. Pieces of her would never be picked from the perfection, but, instead, lost within the intricacies of another’s life. 

Better lost than found sometimes, and Lonnie’s was the perfect place to be lost in. At least for now. 

It wasn’t the worst place to stay. Her family was loud and welcoming, the TV was always blaring from the living room, and her grandmother cooked with so many spices that Catra’s stomach was always growling for things she never heard of. Best of all was that Lonnie was hardly ever home. She was always out and flirting with other girls and in ways it made Catra relieved. It meant she didn’t have to put out as often as she had to with others. 

Catra rolled in Lonnie’s bed, curling up around a pillow. It was going to be dinner soon. Her grandmother was always rolling out giant feasts every night around six. Unlike other places, Lonnie’s family enjoyed her company. They would come up and knock and invite her to anything and everything. Family outings? Catra, come along! ¿Quieres ir a la playa? Catra, oh you’d love it! Please say yes!

She declined every time, but she smiled and thanked them. It was a kind gesture and even Catra felt obligated for pleasantries. 

It was weird to feel embraced and included in the family like this. She had only been staying for a month and Lonnie’s family acted like she had been there for years. Even if the only time she hung out with the was during dinner. Lonnie’s grandmother didn’t speak a lick of English but she would spit Spanish at her in a rapid, happy pace. Catra knew some but not enough to keep up. 

Catra picked up her phone, checking for new text messages. So many people sending shit, so many people she didn’t even care for anymore. A lot of the messages were from previous girls trying to start shit, trying to get a reaction… trying to get her to come back and show she cared. This whole thing—relationships, love, whatever—it was tiring. It was forced. It felt so off and distant. 

It reminded her of her own family. Her mom working as a nurse in a big hospital, working double shifts, night and day, coming home exhausted, eye bags drooping deep into her cheeks, and sitting and watching Netflix. Ignoring the world, ignoring the towering dishes in the sink, the mold in the fridge, and the bill collectors calling at every hour. Ignoring her. 

Her father only came home drunk. He’d take what little money they had for gambling and booze. Her mother didn’t care. She stopped caring so long ago. Her father would sometimes sit with her on the floor, read her books in a funny drunk voice, or sometimes he’d repeat the same thing over and over. 

‘Catra, you’re going to be successful one day, won’t you? Going to make your daddy proud! You’ll take care of me, right, baby girl?’

‘Yes, daddy!’

No I love you’s. No big hugs after school. Just a key under the doormat and cupboards full of ramen. Only ever ramen. Anything else would be deemed too expensive. Too good for her. 

In those days, she thought maybe she did love her family, but she really didn’t. They only kept her around to one day leech off of her. Her dad was a useless drunk who fell off the wagon more times than he got on. Her mom was pregnant with her at sixteen and stuck with the baby daddy who proved to be no good. Stuck. 

But not Catra. When she got the chance, she ran. At sixteen, she didn’t want to get stuck on anyone or anybody like her mom did. She didn’t want to drown her life in substances to forget, so she ran. Then, she found her first girlfriend, or, well, roommate. Technicalities weren’t her best subject. 

At seventeen, she had sex for the first time. She was an official drop out, but she wasn’t dumb. She got her GED, just to stay on track. Just in case. A lot of geniuses got their GEDs and made Apple and Microsoft and what not, right? She could do just as good if she wanted to. If she tried. But she didn’t really want to right now. Too much effort. 

Her stomach growled again. She was hungry but she was growing restless, too. Lonnie’s family were good people, but, she hated being in the same place for too long. Even if this place was heaven compared to her previous places…

Catra held the pillow closer, closing her eyes, and ignoring her phone. 

Lonnie wasn’t relationship material. The girl had too many people lined up, too many hoes, too much libido that Catra didn’t even want to challenge. Catra was used to giving sex to continue the relationship long enough till she had another place lined up to live. She couldn’t go home. It had been years since then. She wondered if her parents even missed her, let alone reported her missing. She never saw any alerts or posters, but she avoided the cops. Just in case.

Though, some days, when she couldn’t find a place lined up, and she was stuck on the streets for awhile, she’d stare at the cops long and hard, wondering if they’d spot her and immediately know she was that missing kid. She would even let them look at her, see how they profiled her poor and brown and lesser, but they never once approached. Never recognized her. Never took her home to her family. 

Maybe she didn’t have a home and family anymore. 

Her phone buzzed. She almost didn’t look, but she was drawn to it lately. This girl—this Adora—Lonnie’s friend, the white girl in a black and brown neighborhood, she was something interesting.

Twenty notifications from other girls, other places to stay, but she opened Adora’s text. Catra often ignored the whole world and focused on herself. Who was going to take care of her if not herself? Yet, this dumb and cute white girl was wiggling in. She was becoming something in her life. Her smile, her laugh, her good vibes and positive attitude—how she did nice things and didn’t care if she was thanked. 

It reminded her of her first love. The one who left for college and never looked back, never called. Gone from existence. 

Dead. 

_Hey! We’re playing ball later. Wanna come watch? We can go do your stuff after_

So technical and grammatically correct even in text. 

\- Sure

There was no shame in her to be so eager and full of love. She was responding immediately. She could see her typing. 

_Cool! : ))))_

What a dork. 

Catra burrowed her face into the pillow. 

“Mi Hija!” Lonnie’s father was calling to her. “Food is done!” 

Maybe it was time to jump ships soon. Catra didn’t want to overstay her welcome. She didn’t want Lonnie’s family to think she was here to stay when she was only here till the next temporary home came. 

It wasn’t personal.

Catra had to just worry about herself. Even if Lonnie’s family meant well, it didn’t mean they’d take her off the street and love her like their own. Her own family couldn’t do that, so who ever would? 

Another text. 

Catra hopped off the bed and glanced. It was from Adora. 

“A double text, huh,” Catra felt herself smiling as she opened it. 

_After we do your thing, can I take you to a movie? My treat!_

A feeling so hurtful came into her stomach and heart. It was beautiful, really, but totally unwanted. It wasn’t a feeling she could afford. Not now, maybe not ever. While Adora may have provoked this adoration, it was not hers to have. 

Catra couldn’t afford to lose herself to someone again. Not like how she did with Mara. Not ever again. These sort of wounds weren’t like busted lips or broken noses.  


No. 

These wounds stayed forever. And unless Adora was going to be hers forever, she wasn’t ever going to love another bitch ever. 

It was just another tragedy ready to happen—happy to teach her a lesson on how nothing lasted.

**.  
.  
.**

Adora was humming to her indie jank ass music. She may have grew up hood, but can’t take the white girl out of the white girl.

What next? Pumpkin spiced latte? 

Catra still felt miffed Adora had rebuked her move. Why was she even up here anyways? They had chemistry, they had history. Just because Glimmer and her lived in an apartment together didn’t mean they were soulmates. Fuck, her and Adora got an apartment together and Adora left like it was nothing! 

Catra knew Adora loved her still, she had to. Why else would she pick up all her calls when she got drunk or high? 

Why invite her to Yellowstone Park, the place they both promised to go together when they were more settled? 

Once, when Adora was drunk off her ass, she told Catra she wanted to be with her forever. Asked her to never leave her.

The irony was that Adora had left her instead. Ditched her for God knows what and getting with some subpar loser who needed a personal trainer. 

Catra had meticulously done her makeup in the tiny ass bathroom in the train. She made sure she’d be irresistible but Adora didn’t give her the time or day. 

Why?

Why even invite her if it wasn’t to get back together?

Catra wouldn’t be against it but maybe Adora just wanted to bang and ditch. People changed and Adora wasn’t immune to that. Though, Catra had a feeling if they fucked that Adora would get back with her. It’s what was in the cards. Fate, so to speak. Catra had waited forever for this day to meet back up. 

Deep down, she wouldn’t admit to Adora but she was ready to get her back. She wanted her back. California wasn’t the same without her. 

“You still listen to crap,” Catra said, trying to get attention back onto her. Adora just had to realize there was no point resisting. They were meant to be together. They had promised each other forever and a promise was a promise. 

They were the moon and sun, wind and sea. They revolved around each other. Their names were engraved like ancient runes since the day the met. 

“Still an asshole,” Adora remarked and it hurt a little, but whatever. Catra was playing aggressive and letting Adora know she hadn’t forgiven her. She wouldn’t until she apologized for leaving her. It made her really mad, y’know? Adora acted like she could do no wrong, that she was innocent in it all, but Adora had lied about loving her. 

If she had loved her, she would have forgiven her for her humanly mistakes. Wouldn’t had blamed her for the symptoms of her issues. Love was forgiving and kind and patient, or whatever the dumb bible said. When Catra was in her time of need, Adora was short, cruel, and intolerable of her. 

But Catra loved her. 

She loved her through it all. Even when she left, Catra never stopped. That was the thing—it was always her downfall—that she never knew when to stop loving someone. It was like once she did, it was forever a part of her. 

She only needed to reach Adora, to show her it was there, but the girl was so damn stubborn and dense. If she’d only fucking apologize! If she’d just get over her damn holier-than-thou attitude and pride and just admit she wasn’t perfect! Everything could work. 

She could leave that Glimmer girl and get back with her, back to California, back to the good ol’ times and be happy and in love again. Their hearts had made the choice long ago they belonged together. 

Why fight it?

“Only for you, Adora.” Catra grinned and earned a bewildered look that crossed between ‘stop’ and ‘I liked that’. Adora was an easy card to read. 

By the end of this trip, Adora would realize they can overcome this. They can be together again and it will be better than last time. No dumb fights, no confusion—just them against the world. Like it always had been. 

Catra was certain of it. 

In other circumstances, maybe she would’ve schooled herself from being so certain, but a small detail had confirmed Adora wanted to be hers. That Adora held out for her even when she was with the rich little snowflake pink haired dumbass. This small detail… 

Her phone password was Catra and Adora’s anniversary date.


	7. Rollercoaster

_Three Years Ago…_

“Where were you?” Lonnie was laying in bed on her back, playing catch with herself and her basketball. She had been sitting here all night, wondering when the girl would slink back. Normally, Lonnie didn’t give a fuck where she went, who she was with, or what she was doing. She knew she was just another place to crash. Her and Catra had gone to the same middle school and she knew all her business. All of it. 

“Who were you fucking this time?” Catra said, throwing her bag in the corner and sitting at Lonnie’s desk. “It reeks of pussy in here. And not the good kind.”

Lonnie couldn’t help but scoff as she put the basketball down. Out of kindness, she took Catra home one night, knowing full well they’d fuck, but also that she’d linger as long as she bared to. Lonnie’s family was big on kindness and helping people on their feet, but Lonnie knew Catra wasn’t intending on making anything of herself. She just liked to run and pretend she was good. 

Maybe it was easier for her? Who knew. Lonnie sure did but didn’t care enough to discuss it. 

No. In fact, she wanted to discuss something bigger. 

“So,” Lonnie sat up in bed, glaring Catra down. “I heard from a friend who works at the theatre that you were seen with Adora. What you gotta say about that?”

Catra reacted like a liar typically would, staring in her eyes, legs firmly planted on the ground, and mulling over it too long. 

“She asked me go to the movies. So what?” 

“Yeah, uh-huh, and Adora has been acting weird, real weird—love sick weird.” Lonnie didn’t want to believe Catra was the girl, but with how Catra’s eyes widened and she had to bite back a smile? Bingo. “And I can’t believe it’s you—you of all people.”

“Hey!” Catra barked. “What’s that even supposed to mean?”

“Catra, don’t even act like that! We both know.” Lonnie felt her own temper and it was well placed. Adora was a one of a kind girl who put her heart in everything. She was her adopted cousin and they grew up together. Mud pies, Sunday cartoons, sleepovers, thanksgivings, and basketball teams. She knew her in and out and never saw Adora like this, but Lonnie knew Catra was bad news. 

“And you deserve the girls you get?” Catra shot back. “Like you’re miss perfect.” 

“This ain’t even ‘bout me,” Lonnie ignored her, “it’s about the fact you have a bad history with girls, and I’ll tell you now that Adora won’t let you stay with her. She lives with my aunt and I can tell you that even our family hardly ever goes to her house. Never stays. You think you can hop to her?”

“It isn’t even like that,” Catra clenched her teeth. She was struggling with something. Probably the lies and game Lonnie called her out on. “I wasn’t planning on it.”

“Still, what’re you even doing? Huh?” Lonnie threw her hands up. “You obviously don’t think ahead, do you? I’m not gunna just sit here and let you toy with her. I know that you know you can’t get another place to stay if Adora is chasing you like a puppy.”

“Shut up, it’s not like that!”

“Oh, okay, so it isn’t,” Lonnie mocked, “do you think I’m going to be fine with us sleeping together while Adora tries to date you?”

“What?!”

“You’re going to have to earn your keep and stay in the guest room,” Lonnie pointed towards the hall. That bedroom was being used as storage and the only thing resembling a room was the dusty, creaky bed in it. “You can at least do some chores, Catra. I don’t care if you stay and my family likes you, but you have to work. Fuck! We ask you to do dishes and vacuum and you don’t do shit but eat our food!”

Catra glared at Lonnie now.

“I didn’t realize I was being an inconvenience.”

“Oh my God, Catra! It ain’t even that!” Lonnie felt herself growing frustrated. Catra had been shacked up with her for a month. The girl had even agreed to help out, but she hadn’t lifted a finger yet. All she ever did was chill in Lonnie’s room, get high, get drunk, eat their food, and sleep all day. “Maybe get a job, then, and pay some rent?”

“How about I just leave,” Catra stood up, staring at her bag. The only thing Catra ever owned. “I didn’t mean to overstay my welcome.”

“Catra!” Lonnie got up now, gesturing to everything. “All I ask is you help around the house! Whether it’s just a few chores a week or maybe some money! My family ain’t rolling in dough and most of us work and don’t have time to help abuela! Just say you’ll start chores tomorrow!”

Catra went to her bag, flipping Lonnie off. 

“Whatever. I was planning on leaving, anyways.”

“What!?” Lonnie marched over to her. God, she hated how spoiled rotten his girl was. “What the fuck you mean? It’s almost twelve am!”

“You heard me!”

“Just get over here. You can stay another night if you got your mind made up! Jesus Christ, you dramatic bitch!” Lonnie took her arm, gently but firmly. She wasn’t an abuser or whatever. 

“No, just let me go,” Catra didn’t fight it, though. She only looked up at Lonnie. “You don’t want me anymore. It’s obvious.”

Oh, those kind’ve moves, huh? Lonnie had her money in the right place that Catra was no good. She was going to rip Adora’s heart out. Especially if she was trying to just fuck her right now. 

“It ain’t that. Stop it,” Lonnie couldn’t help but being gentler now. Her temper was still there, but this was Catra. The same girl who was the skinniest, puniest thing in middle school, who was made fun of for being ‘anorexic’. It was the girl who only ever had cup of noodles for lunch and breakfast. The same girl who swung on the swing by herself and looked scared when people came too close. 

“What I’m saying, Catra,” Lonnie continued, releasing her arm and putting a hand on her sharp shoulder, “I don’t want to keep doing this if my girl Adora wants you. I know I’m no good but Adora is family. She’s my best friend.”

“Who is trying to get with me, your supposed girlfriend.” Catra mumbled. She had put her hand on Lonnie’s. This girl, Lonnie snorted. 

“Yeah, well, I think Adora understands I ain’t in any place to ‘settle down’,” Lonnie tried to pull her hand away but Catra kept it there. “Again, what I’m saying, I don’t want to sleep with you anymore because it’ll hurt Adora. And I don’t mind you being here, but us in the same bed? We both can’t keep our hands to ourselves. It’s just best if you stay in the guest room. It might even do some good to get a job, y’know, then you can save up for college or an apartment or whatever your little heart wants.”

“A better phone,” Catra sort of smiled. 

“Yeah, a phone, sure, bad priority but sure,” Lonnie tugged her hand away but Catra’s followed. It rested on her chest, right below her collarbone. Lonnie always went wild when girls put their hands on her chest, and, God, she felt it right in her pants. 

“What are you doing?” Lonnie was leaning closer and so was Catra. “You’re going to break her heart, Catra… this deal is off if you do.”

“I figured,” Catra’s eyes were searching for something in her. No matter how many times those eyes looked up at her, she couldn’t get over their colors. Definitely a girl to remember, but maybe not miss. 

“Catra? Really, what’re you doing?” Lonnie paused, their faces inches from each other. 

“You even smell like sex,” Catra responded, bringing her face closer, and finally planting a wet kiss right below her ear. Right on her jaw. Lonnie shivered. 

She wanted to think of Adora, but it wasn’t like they were together. Catra was more hers than Adora’s. At least for tonight, right? Just for tonight. 

“This is the last time,” Lonnie murmured, pulling her close and groping her ass. With ease, she picked her up like it was nothing. “No more after this, okay? We are through. And you better do Adora right, you hear me?”

Catra’s chuckle was throaty as she was tossed on the bed and covered by Lonnie. 

“Right—Ah!” 

_The Next Morning…_

Lonnie woke up naked and alone. The bed side was empty and colder than it should’ve been. She got up, expecting Catra up showering, or breakfast. She went to the bathroom, pissing long and hard, and hopping into the shower. 

Her hips ached, but whatever. Typical day. 

When she got out and returned to her room, she thought Catra would be there. 

But she wasn’t. 

Lonnie tugged on some shorts and a tank top and went to the guest room. She slid past boxes and to see if Catra was there. Gone. The dust was undisturbed. 

Lonnie went to her room. Catra’s bag nowhere to be found. Not even her charger was left by her bedside. 

Catra had left like she said. She just banged and ditched. Lonnie didn’t know why she thought she was going to change. Not for her sake, or Adora’s. 

Lonnie trudged downstairs, smelling breakfast still lingering in the air. The dishes from last night untouched. She knew the living room was untouched, too, then. 

Bitch. 

Even if Catra did her dirty, she still remembered the little girl, alone, at recess and lunch. The ribcage that showed when they were in gym. 

She also remembered going up to her one day and giving her an orange. The suspicious look and how she snatched it and ate it with ravenous glee. She never said thank you. 

All Lonnie hoped was that Catra would change for Adora. Maybe that’s all she needed—someone to unconditionally love her. Maybe.

**.  
.  
.**

Catra was wanting to get back together.

The thought alone was confusing and aggravating. Adora thought Catra had hated her, but it was becoming clear that wasn’t it. Maybe Catra didn’t come up here to get back at her, or try to amend their friendship. 

Rather to get her back. 

The thought seemed like a wild dream, but it was also an aggravating one. 

If she wanted to make things work, why now? 

It’s as if Catra waited until she was moving on and in a better place to come and wreck it all. Like she couldn’t happy unless it was solely with Catra. 

“So,” Adora’s eyes were drawing to the rising structures to their left. A rollercoaster went zipping down and a few balloons were lifting far into the air. “I went and bought us tickets to Silverwood. I figured we could have a fun pit stop here.”

“Silverwood?” Catra wasn’t paying attention to her. She was flipping through her phone doing who knows what. 

“Yeah, it’s a theme park. It has rollercoasters, a train, rides, and a water park—”

“I hate waterparks.” Catra quickly interjected and shooting a glare at Adora. Then, finally, she saw the theme park right there. 

“I know but we can do the other stuff. It’s still too early for the water park anyways.” Adora exhaled. Why did Catra think she was doing everything to spite her? Maybe she should, though. If she did things to make Catra happy then she’d get the wrong impression. 

Adora wasn’t going to just float back into her arms… not unless… she apologized or showed she changed. Adora ran a hand through her hair, wishing she could bash her head against a wall somewhere. 

It was a complicated feeling. To know better but to still want Catra. The girl didn’t deserve to get her back with no effort. Things would be just like the same. Especially if Catra’s game was to be a fucking prick every moment she tried to be civil. 

“Hm. Might be fun,” Catra shrugged, going back to her phone. “I can really go for a churro.”

“Oh, well,” Adora frowned, “I don’t think they do churros there. That’s kind’ve a California theme park thing.”

“What!? What’s the point!” Catra balked. Even throwing her hands up. “The Pacific Northwest fucking sucks!”

“Thank you.”

“What?” Catra threw her a look. “What you thanking me for?”

“No,” Adora was pressed for patience, “I said ‘thank you’ for you, because I had already bought tickets and planned this trip to be fun. You forgot to say thank you.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Catra mocked, “I didn’t realize I had to kiss the ground you walked on for every small, kind gesture you ever graced me with! Oh, thank you, Princess Adora! I am forever in debt! God, what next? You want me to eat your ass?”

“Wow,” Adora was pulling off to the exit towards the theme park. “Catra, are you really still like this?”

“What do you mean ‘still’?” Oh, Adora hit a nerve. 

“This! I do nice things for you! I go out of my way for us to do things—out of my own pocket—and I have this great trip planned and you just act like it’s nothing! You just take it and bitch the whole time! I swear, you haven’t changed!”

“I shouldn’t be forced to say thank you! You did this on your own! I didn’t ask for it!”

“But you’re accepting it! It’s a nice gesture! If you did this for me, I’d thank you! I’d thank you!” 

Adora’s phone rang over the Bluetooth. 

Catra was absolutely fuming, but she held it back. 

Glimmer. 

Her name appeared on the touchscreen of her car. 

“Going to answer that?” Catra looked so smug. “Or are you too nervous now that you’re out with the person you can’t get over—"

Adora answered it, shooting daggers into Catra. 

“You’re on speaker,” Adora said, regaining her calm composure. 

“Oh,” Glimmer paused, “thanks for answering. I know you’re with Catra, but I forgot to ask you if you took the iPad with you? I can’t find it.”

“No problem,” Adora was staring right into Catra’s eyes. “I did take it. Sorry, I thought I told you.”

“Oh, no, it’s fine. I was just worried when I couldn’t find it. Um, I’m going to go then. Thanks, Adora.” Glimmer was hurriedly trying to rush off. Adora knew she was nervous having Catra hear her. Who wouldn’t? Adora had told her Catra was a spitfire and hardly ever had nice things to say. 

“Hey.”

“What?” Glimmer waited.

“Love you.” Adora watched as Catra’s face sour. “I miss you.”

“I love and miss you, too,” her soft laugh was an accidental mock to Catra. “Bye, Adora.”

“See you, babe.”

The call ended and Catra was practically seething. 

“Really? You’re such a fucking bitch.” She hissed. 

“Do you see the difference, Catra?” Adora asked. They were driving towards the queue for parking. 

“What fucking difference?” Catra was so defensive. Jesus. 

“Glimmer says thank you. I didn’t have to answer and she knew I might not, because I’m with a friend and driving. But I did. And she acknowledged it by THANKING me. She didn’t have to but she did.”

“Who fucking cares!? It’s a word!” 

“I do! It means she appreciates all I did for her! And you never fucking did!” Adora blurted, stopping behind another car and fully turning to Catra. “You just took everything and now you’re expecting me to drop my life? To throw everything away just because now you’re finally wanting to ‘forgive’ me?” 

Catra didn’t waste a second to shove Adora’s shoulder. 

“You left me! You left me in a bad place without a word! You knew I couldn’t survive on my own without you! You could’ve said you were leaving for good, but you didn’t! You left me for dead!”

“Catra!”

“It’s your fucking turn in the line, go, dumbass,” Catra crossed her arms, shoving herself into the corner of her seat, as far away from Adora as she could. 

“Do you even want to go here? I can fucking turn around and get you the next train to Los Angeles. Do you want to do that?”

“No.”

“Then what do you even want, huh?” Adora pulled up to the window, but the guy was busy doing something. “Tell me!”

“No!”

The attendant opened his window and Adora rolled hers down. She gave him the money to park and thanked him and drove to find a parking spot. It was still early in the day and not quite as busy. 

“I can’t read your mind,” Adora said, trying to reel herself back in, “I never could, Catra. I don’t know why you’re up here. I don’t. It’s obvious you don’t care about us being friends and I feel like you don’t even care about my effort and feelings towards it.”

Adora parked and immediately leaned forward, resting her head on the steering wheel. 

“I’m exhausted of this already.” She admitted. It hurt her to know everything was already going to shit. “I don’t want us to fight. I don’t know why you’re picking one every single moment we talk. I just want us to be friends again. I want us to have a fun time. Can’t we have that, Catra?”

Would she cry? She didn’t know. It felt like her heart was, but her eyes were dry. She didn’t even know if she felt sad. Just hurt. 

“After all these years, can’t we just have a nice time?” Adora lifted her head from the steering wheel. “Please, just tell me what you want.”

Catra was looking at her. It felt familiar but so distant, too, like a childhood memory that no longer shined like it used to. Something foggy, something that should’ve made her happy. 

“Adora,” Catra frowned. Not a bad one, but it wasn’t positive either. “If you don’t know what I want then I don’t know what to say.”

“You can always just say it.” Adora lifted her hands up and dropped them back down into her lap. “Help me out here.”

“Some things are best not said, but felt.” Catra murmured. She was staring at Adora’s hand. The one she held. 

Adora felt herself blush, but she wasn’t falling for it. Catra still had yet to realize how everything was fucked up. She hadn’t apologized. She hadn’t thanked her. Nothing. 

She was the same Catra she broke up with. For better or for worse. 

“Fine.” Adora quickly unbuckled, getting out of the car. If she stayed, she knew Catra would make her move again. It made her heart race but it also felt bad. “Let’s go, then.” 

“Adora…I—”

“C’mon,” Adora peered down through her door, “let’s go have fun, okay? Let’s just… let’s just have fun.”

“Okay, I—”

Adora closed the door, walking around her car towards the trunk. 

Catra stared at the driver’s side. 

“…Thank you.”


	8. Forget-Me-Not

“Those are scams, y’know,” Catra had her arms crossed, staring up at the big and ugly stuffed animals that loomed above them. “You’re going to waste fifty bucks on something you could get on amazon for, like, fifteen.” 

“So, what? It’s fun,” Adora shrugged, stepping up to the classic knock the pins down scam. Catra rolled her eyes and stood behind her, crossing her arms, and tapping her foot. She really just wanted to sit down and eat, but all the food looked subpar. Couldn’t get away with this crap in California. Dumb Idaho. 

“Can you hold my coat?” Adora asked, unbuttoning her ungodly lesbian plaid jacket. She was shrugging it off. 

“Yeah, sure,” Catra wasn’t too thrilled. She wasn’t a pack mule. She came up to have—oh wow. Adora really beefed up. 

Adora was only wearing a white tank top underneath and her arm and shoulder muscles were tight and defined. Catra’s hand was begging to reach up and feel it. Her mouth wanted to taste that salty skin—

“Jesus, hulked out, didn’t you?” Catra felt a smile on her lips as she laughed. Things had been tense earlier but it was slowly melting away now. There was fun all around them and the spring morning was turning into a nice afternoon. “Guess you became a gym rat?”

“Huh?” Adora stopped for a moment before looking at her arms. “Oh, yeah, well, I kind’ve picked it up and couldn’t stop. I do it more than I play basketball.”

Wow. 

Adora not playing basketball every waking moment of her life? Catra was taken back by the answer. Just how freely it flowed from Adora’s lips—how Adora didn’t realize how unlike her it sounded. Catra didn’t want to admit it, but they had changed. Even if her heart hadn’t. 

“Here you go, miss,” the man took the tender then presented her the baseballs. “Knock one down and get a small prize. Knock two get a medium prize. Knock three and get a big prize. If you want the very big one, play the second game on me and knock all three once more for the biggest!” 

It was so totally rigged. Adora was going to waste her money for all or nothing. She was like that. 

Catra glanced back up, staring at all the animals. They were all so ugly. Especially that dumb giant pusheen cat one. So fucking ugly. She hated it. 

Crack!

Catra shot a look to find all the pins down. The man nervously grinned. 

“Large prize it is!”

“No,” Adora stopped him, grabbing her second ball. She had three. “I’m going for the biggest one.”

Catra snorted. 

“Will it even fit in the Prius? It’s kind’ve—”

“Alright, then,” the man chuckled, putting up the pins. He was grabbing entirely different ones, though. Not that Adora’s dumb brain noticed. “Have a crack at it.” 

They were heavy, too. Catra could see how white and red the man’s knuckles were as he was placing them. They didn’t wobble and his arm’s tendon was popping, straining against the weight. Adora’s ball was just going to glance off of it. 

“Adora, why not just the large one?” Catra said. While she’d love for Adora to strike out, she was trying to be nicer for the girl’s sake. Trying to be softer. It didn’t sit well on her tongue or mind, but it was easy because it was Adora. Her Adora. And she didn’t want her to become deflated over a dumb game, especially with how miserable they’ve been to each other. “The large ones look cool, too. Look, there’s a horse.”

Adora didn’t deter. She picked up the second ball, tossing it up and down, and squinting at the bottles. She took a few steps back, brushing Catra off to the side for her own safety. 

“Might wanna get closer, miss,” the man lightly taunted, “don’t wanna miss!”

Adora then did something weird. She pulled her arm in with the ball, holding it against her chest, and in lightning fast precision, windmilled her arm and the ball released with blinding speed. Catra only saw it for one second before it crashed into the pins, knocking them down like it was nothing. Each pin hit the wooden floor with a loud crash, as if they were heavy as bowling balls. 

“Holy shit!” Catra jumped up and down. “You fucking did it!” 

Begrudgingly, the man grabbed the long pole to pull whatever prize she wished. He was frowning as he cleared his throat. 

“Per regulation, you can’t play this game again today.” He quietly told her. 

“That’s fine. I only wanted one thing.” Adora shrugged, peering up at the prizes. There was a grotesquely glittery pony up there. 

“Look, it glimmers,” Catra tried to joke but it was so dry in her mouth. “Better get it for your Glimmer.”

Adora didn’t, though. She pointed to that ugly dumb ass cat Pusheen. It was so fucking dumb, ugh, Catra loathed it, she hated it, she—

“For you,” Adora took the giant stuffy and turned to hand it to Catra. “I hope you still secretly like Pusheen.”

“Ah,” Catra took it—It was so fucking soft! “I fucking hate and love it.”

“I knew you would,” Adora seemed so pleased with herself as she pulled her coat from Catra’s hands. She tied it around her waist—God, what a lesbian. 

“I know I always said I’d win you something, but never got to. So, surprise! I hope you like it! Though, I might have to mail it to you down in California.”

“Or I can bring it with me.”

“Eh? I don’t know know… they might not let it on. It’s practically the size of a small child.” Adora chuckled, leading them towards who knows where. Catra couldn’t see. 

“Who cares, they will for me,” she kept trying to peek over, but couldn’t. Fucking dumb cute plushy and being so freakishly good and big. “Ugh! I can’t fucking see!”

“Here.”

Catra was expecting Adora to take it, but, instead, her hand took her wrist, guiding her close. 

“I won’t let you run into a pole.” Adora laughed and Catra wondered if she would just to fuck with her. 

“You better not,” she huffed. She still couldn’t see and her steps were hesitant, but she had to trust Adora wouldn’t do anything bad to her. She just had to… trust her to take her safely wherever they were walking to. 

“Bitch! I’m hungry!” Catra complained and Adora’s laugh was louder. 

“Okay! Let’s get something to eat, then!” 

It felt so familiar and warm. Catra closed her eyes. Adora was right there, right there… almost but barely out of her grasp. Her stomach felt like there were butterflies in it. Her heart felt so soft and warm and full of love. She wanted to kiss Adora on the cheek. She desperately wanted it. 

Things could work… things could if she wanted them enough…

“Hey, Adora?”

“Hm?”

“Thanks… for the dumb animal…”

**.  
.  
.**

_Four Months Ago…_

 

“Hey, Adora?” 

“What’s up, babe?” Adora was sprawled on the couch, watching some baking show that Glimmer was invested in. She didn’t really understand the competition except it was in Britain and they made cute looking pastries. She might’ve not cared for it, but it was her favorite time of the night. They were both in pajamas, bras off, homework done, and with Glimmer curled up on top of her, sharing a soft blanket. 

“Earlier, when we were looking at that shop,” Glimmer’s voice was different. Something was up. “You said ‘Catra would love this’.”

Ah. 

Adora knew she shouldn’t had said it, but it was a bad habit. Even after a year and some months, she still thought of her. 

“I know,” she exhaled, “does it bother you?”

“Well, no, not really,” Glimmer paused the show and adjusted so she could look Adora in the eyes. “I know I do the same for Bow and all, but you say it often.”

“I do not,” Adora blurted but, then, really thought about it. Glimmer wasn’t one to pick fights for nothing. Her first instincts were to get defensive, ready for bullshit to be thrown at her, but it wasn’t like that anymore. “Okay… I guess, I guess maybe I really do.” 

Glimmer smiled and leaned up just enough to plant a kiss on her nose. 

“Again, I’m not mad or upset,” Glimmer assured, “I just wonder if you’re… do you think you’re over her?” 

Adora wasn’t sure how to respond to this. She opened her mouth, ready to start a sentence, but she couldn’t. 

How could she explain? 

It felt hard to sum it up. 

“I just… she was the first girl I ever loved. First anyone.” Adora began and ended, but it wasn’t enough. Glimmer deserved a better explanation. “As I’ve told you, we didn’t leave with sunshine and smiles.”

“Break ups are never like that,” Glimmer soothed, brushing Adora’s hair back behind her ear. Adora turned her head, kissing Glimmer’s wrist, and smiled. Glimmer returned the grin, but laughed loud when Adora playfully bit her arm. 

“Animal!” She squealed, pulling her arm away and flicking Adora’s cheek. “Save it for the bedroom!”

“What? I thought you liked being bit!” Adora teased, raising her hands up to take hold of Glimmer’s hips so she couldn’t squirm away. 

“Enough,” Glimmer snorted, shoving her hand in Adora’s face. “We were having a good conversation!” 

Adora was muffled behind Glimmer’s hand until she removed it. 

“I was saying, sparkle butt,” Adora stuck her tongue out, “yeah, it’s a conversation, but I just—I don’t know how to explain.”

“Then try! Duh!” Glimmer rolled her eyes, getting comfy on Adora. “I’m willing to listen.”

Adora licked her lips. 

A lot of it probably wasn’t anything Glimmer wanted to hear, though. It was stuff that had to do with love. With anger. With desire. While Glimmer had all of her, Catra was still stealing crumbs off of her. 

“What if it’s things that might upset you?” Adora’s voice was quieter than she wanted. It was an obvious sign that the topic wasn’t good. Wasn’t fun. 

“Then I’ll get upset, maybe,” Glimmer said, “but, I won’t, like, get over it. Unless you’re going to tell me you cheated. Not that you would, but if you did, game over.”

Adora shook her head and took Glimmer’s face in her hands. The gentle, soft look of her eyes and how kind her features were—how could she live without this face? She could see all the love and loyalty shine through her like light through stained glass. It colored her, it bathed her in its generosity. It warmed her soul and Adora couldn’t imagine a world without this feeling. 

“I wouldn’t. Ever.”

“I know,” Glimmer smiled, relaxing in Adora’s hold. “Then, you can tell me anything. I won’t hold it against you.”

This communication came so easy with no cost, no effort. It was so easy to love her and be loved. It came as natural as rain and sunshine. She didn’t have to pull teeth or corner her into talking. She didn’t have to worry about getting yelled at for prying or asking to talk. It was so much better. 

“Alright, if you say so.” Adora closed her eyes, thinking. She took a minute to gather her thoughts on how to properly word her feelings. She even tried to find ways to lighten how heavy it was, but she knew Glimmer didn’t want it sugar coated. 

“Sometimes, it feels like Catra is out there.” Adora began. “Like I can still feel her, waiting. It’s stupid, I know, but it’s like she’ll come back. That I will see her again. It feels like we never really parted. I mean, we broke up, the feelings are lost, I guess, but maybe not all of them…”

Carefully, Adora was searching Glimmer’s eyes with every word. She could see the hurt in them. She felt bad. Awful. 

“Do you want me to continue?” She asked. 

“Yeah.” The response was quick and even. 

“It feels like it’s only a matter of time before we snap back together. Maybe not, like, say, together, but as friends. And it’s a bit nerve wracking! It makes me anxious, because we’re like a rubber band and we’re both pulling farther and farther and—”

“And you will snap back and collide again.”

“Yeah,” Adora nodded, tilting her head and rubbing Glimmer’s cheek with her thumb. “It feels like something big will happen… and I don’t know if it’s good or bad.”

“Well, what is good?” 

Hm. 

“We will be friends. We will forgive each other. Everything goes back as it used to be.” Adora thought out loud. “Or something.”

“And bad?”

“We will hate each other. We will fight and everything with be so blown out of proportion that we won’t ever wanna be near each other again.”

Glimmer stopped looking into Adora’s eyes. She was thinking deeply about something. Adora gave her the time to gather her thoughts, quietly waiting for her response. 

“You said not all the feelings left.” She started. Stopped. Started again. “You think of her every day, too, and I know I think of Bow, too. It’s normal.”

It may as well have been. 

“But, I guess I’m a little insecure.” Glimmer finally admitted. “I know what she looks like and you guys went through a lot together… she’s really pretty, too, and, well—”

“Glimmer, that would never be—”

“—she’s smaller than me, too… and I guess I’m scared if she ever came back, you’ll leave me.”

“Glimmer,” Adora pulled her close, holding her and kissing the crown of pink hair. “I don’t care about that, you know that.”

“I know, I just—”

“It’s okay to feel that way, and I know you put work in it.” Adora calmed her, repeatedly kissing that thick hair she loved. It was so unlike Glimmer to be so self conscious. She always took life by the throat and took no prisoners. She was proudly herself with no shame. To hear all of that hurt Adora to the core, that she’d ever inspire such insecurities in her girlfriend. 

“I don’t want you to ever worry about that. You hear me? Never.” Adora kissed her head again and released her so they could gaze into each other’s eyes again. “I love you. And, yeah, you’re right—there’s feelings somewhere in me still, but it’s over. It has been over with Catra for a year and whatever amount of months. The only reason I think and miss is her is because—well, I don’t even know myself.”

She really didn’t. 

The girl was awful to her. She had manipulated her, used her, and abused her love and trust. She took no responsibility, not even for herself. The world and Adora were the problem and reasons things happened. She never once examined her own actions and how they affected people. They were a mess. Comapred to her and Glimmer right now? The red flags were so obvious now. Adora beat herself over it. All of it. 

Yet. 

She hated herself for it, that deep down, she still had a well full of love for Catra. She though it’d be empty by now, exhausted by Catra’ selfishness, but it still kept going. 

Was it limitless? She didn’t know. 

There had to be a bottom line of when she’d stop loving Catra, but when? 

How?

Again, she didn’t know. 

“I’m sorry I brought it up,” Glimmer said, kissing her jaw. Oh. Ah. 

“Glimmer…”

“Let me make it up to you?” Glimmer asked, kissing her ear. 

“You don’t have to… it’s okay… but, uh,” Adora closed her eyes, giggling, and biting her bottom lip. A dirty smile was growing on her face as she felt Glimmer's hand run up her shirt. “If you want to, uh, do things… we can do that… Oh… _Glimmer_ …”

Catra wasn’t on her mind anymore.


	9. Please

_Seven Years Ago…_

“You can call me anytime,” Mara’s hand was large against her shoulder. It could practically hold the entirety of it in her palm. Its warmth and steadiness calmed how badly she was shaking.

The June night was close to becoming morning. Her bare body didn’t want to leave Mara’s bed, but she would have to. Mara’s family and her were going to move away to the east coaster for university. She was leaving her behind. The one person who understood her.

“It’s not goodbye forever,” Mara’s kiss was gentle against her cheek. Her lips. “We will meet again.”

“We’re—we’re—” Catra was crying. She couldn’t help it because she knew they would no longer be together. They never truly were, but they weren’t friends, either. Mara had become everything to her—her home, her girlfriend, and her future. 

Now she was told she was being left behind. She wasn’t offered to move with them. She’d switch schools—she’d make her parents understand that she must do this. She’d run away if she had to. 

“We’ll be fine.” Mara was getting up. Her beautiful, long platinum blonde hair was breathtaking to Catra—Mara was perfection in itself. Straight As, ASB President, sporty, and now on a free-ride scholarship to the best university in the country. 

She didn’t have time for the likes of her. She didn’t even know why Mara picked her out from the crowd. Why she said she liked her. Why they had been sorta together for almost seven months. 

“It’ll be good for you to get out and make new friends, too,” Mara laughed, gentle, sweet, “you can’t be my shadow all the time.”

“But, I—”

“No excuses, Kitty.” The pet name was so endearing to Catra. She’d kill whoever said it because it was for Mara and Mara only. “It’s time for you to worry about yourself. Your future is bright if you make it. Just got to try, Catra. Do it for me, okay?”

“Okay… if you promise me something.”

Mara turned. Her green eyes were shimmering in the first rays of the sun. 

“Anything for you.”

“Promise you won’t leave me. Promise you’ll call, or write, or visit.” Catra had no shame in pleading it. “Please?”

“I promise, Kitty.”

**.  
.  
.**

“I get it.” Adora said for the umpteenth time. “I really get it, Catra, so, can you stop?”

“Silverwood doesn’t have shit on Disney Land.” Catra repeated, smirking at Adora. “It doesn’t even compare to Universal!” 

“Ugh! I know this! We aren’t known for our amusement parks!” Adora threw her hands up a little, but was smiling. 

The day was progressing better and they were almost reaching the first hotel. Adora opted to take a slow trip there, hoping to make memories along the way. Maybe if the trip was a great success, her and Glimmer could replicate it. 

“All you guys got is pine trees and mountains and, uh, huckleberries.” Catra paused. “Which is overhyped, I think.”

“Well, California does have almost everything,” Adora agreed, “I like it up here better. Plus, huckleberries are the best! They’re like the child of my favorites, cherries and blueberries!”

She adjusted her rearview mirror, seeing the giant Pusheen plushie peeking at her. It was such a dumb, silly thing, but she knew Catra would adore it. If she brought back another stuffed animal for Glimmer, her girlfriend might disown her. It was her favorite thing to do, but they were running out of room in their study. Plus, she did promise Catra one long time ago. 

“If California was so good, why leave?” Catra asked. The mood had changed so quickly. Adora forgot how temperamental Catra could get. Not that she was mad, but there was a certain tone to it. “If it had everything.”

“I needed it, Catra,” Adora said, keeping her eyes on the road. She wondered if they’d ever get past this, or if it’d always be one of those things that kept them from ever forgiving each other. “With everything going on, what happened, I had to leave.”

“You didn’t even say goodbye—”

“There were a lot of things we should’ve said together.” Adora stopped her. She didn’t want to be guilt tripped. “Things you should’ve said, too, way before I ever had to say goodbye.”

Everything took a nosedive after those words. That anger came back and she feel the wicked glare she was earning. 

“You could’ve said a lot of things, too.” Catra retorted. 

“Catra, what could I say?” Adora didn’t let it go. “You just—when we were together, I thought of us as a team.”

“We were a team! What do you even mean?”

“It was so unfair—it was uneven. I felt—”

“I’m sorry I didn’t act perfect!” Catra snarked. “I’m sorry I didn’t know what a home was like! I’m sorry I didn’t know I was supposed to wear an apron, cook, do dishes, and give you an ego boost every day!”

“Catra!” Adora was so tired of her going off the deep even when they spoke. She was explaining her feelings and trying to get to the point, but Catra always had to turn it into a fight. “You aren’t listening to me!”

“Listening to you doesn’t mean I have to agree with you!” Catra hissed. “You never list—”

“I do listen to you! I have since you got here! I did for a long time! Any time you called, I answered, hoping we’d actually talk, but you just used me as a punching bag! Do you know how that feels, Catra?” 

“Yes, I do!” Catra said. “My whole life!”

“But do you know how it feels to be called by the person you loved? A few times every now and then? To be told what garbage you are? I thought I never met you—I thought I never truly knew you when it happened! It made me feel so awful, Catra!” 

Catra didn’t answer. She just glared outside the window, crossing her arms and kicking her feet up on the dash. 

“Well, you were awful, Adora.” 

“I wasn’t! I did everything I could for you—” 

“You were awful because nobody should feel abandoned by the person they loved.” Catra grumbled, drumming her nails against her forearm. 

“I didn’t abandon you! I answered every call! I left a note! You like to forget why I left, Catra!” Adora felt herself grow short. She was so sick of being made into the ultimate bad guy. Catra just couldn’t wrap her mind around it!

“You should’ve talked it out with me before making a decision like moving thousands of miles from me!” Catra finally yelled. “You never gave me the chance to try and make things right!”

“Why can’t you see that!?” Adora wanted to scream at her, but she was so exhausted of all these fights. Couldn’t one conversation just fix everything? “Whatever you could’ve done? It would’ve not fixed anything! You still broke my heart! It wasn’t going to be fixed with some magical words!”

“I would’ve showed you! If you gave me the chance—”

“I couldn’t.” Adora bit through her teeth.

“Why?” Catra’s voice lowered and Adora could hear the pain in it. She was everywhere with her emotions. Nothing had changed about that. “Why couldn’t you have given me another chance? Didn’t you love me?”

“I loved you,” Adora swallowed, “but, after it all, I couldn’t trust you anymore.”

“So,” Catra added, “that means… now, you must trust me enough, huh?”

A sign came up—welcome to Kellogg, Idaho! 

“I didn’t say that.” Adora whispered. Catra heard and she never saw the girl flinch so hard. “Our hotel is here, by the way.”

“Then there’s no point to this trip, is there?” Catra leaned back into her seat, staring blankly ahead. “It was doomed from the start.”

“I don’t know,” Adora exhaled, “I don’t know, Catra.”

“So, is this, like, goodbye? For reals?” Catra turned to look at Adora, but she wouldn’t return the sentiment. 

“I don’t know.”

Catra snorted, regaining her attitude almost immediately. 

“For someone who sure doesn’t know shit, you seem to have made some big decisions and opinions. Go figure I have to go with whatever you want when you don’t even know yourself.”

**.  
.  
.**

_One Month Ago…_

“Answer! You fucking asshole!” Catra hung up the phone, stumbling against the wall. God. She was fucking drunnkkkkkkk!

She went to dial Adora’s cellphone again, but, a large hand took it from her. 

“Catra,” Scorpia said, putting the phone in her breast pocket, “I don’t think she’s going to answer…”

“Why not!? She always answered!” Catra cried out. Wow, were these tears? Crying and drunk was not a look, but, hey, maybe it was now. Ha-ha. 

“Wildcat, she hasn’t answered your, uh, late night calls for weeks.”

Something in Catra was hurting and pulling. Adora was out there and she had her back turned on her, ignoring her completely. Explicitly. 

“Why!?” The tears were there. 

Deep down, Catra felt like she was losing Adora. Piece by piece, Adora was being taken from her. She felt Scorpia’s arms around her and she cried into her. 

She was too drunk to process what she was thinking or feeling. 

All she knew was that, Adora and her may have broken up, but it was until now that she realized she was losing her. She was going to officially leave her alone. 

Catra begged God or whoever the fuck was in control to please don’t. Please. Anyone but Adora. Not her Adora. They may be apart, but she was never forgotten or replaced. 

Please.

Please don’t leave.


	10. Love Fool

_Two Years Ago…_

Maybe it would be like most of their fights.

Adora could call Catra and apologize for nothing. Even if it was all Catra’s fault, she still had to apologize for ever having feelings. Catra would bully her around and eventually slink home where they’d have some pretty good sex. Adora wondered if that was still a possibility. Maybe it could have been, but Adora was a thousand two-hundred and four miles away now. 

She had her cellphone, though. She could always call her and apologize, but what would it do?

Every part of her heart begged her to call and hear Catra’s voice even if the girl would scream and call her names. She wanted to beg for forgiveness even though Catra had done all the wrong. Why should she ever have to compromise herself for someone so hellbent on being shitty? 

Adora held herself close in her car. It had finally broken down. She had nothing inside that barren apartment she now called home. Only greasy pizza boxes, the odd Starbucks cup on every counter, and a pile of laundry threatening to topple over. Now, she had to pay for a tow truck to haul her car away and sell it for scrap. Without a car, without friends, and barely scraping by with odd jobs till she found a better one. 

Adora couldn’t help but cry. 

“Catra,” she sobbed to herself. She felt so pathetic. She felt so dumb and horrible. All she wanted was Catra to call her and tell her she was wrong, that Adora meant the world to her, and to come home. 

Come back home. 

She’d find a way back if Catra only called. She’d hitchhike back if Catra told her, yeah, she treated her horribly, and that they could make it work—that Catra, for once in her life, would admit to doing wrong and change for the better. 

She would.

God. 

She bit her lips till it hurt as she slammed her fists against her thighs, yelling as hard as she could. Nobody heard, though, against the thunderous pelting of Washington rain.

**.  
.  
.**

The hotel was beautiful. It was a rustic ski resort that had additions like an indoor waterpark, laser tag, restaurants, scenic gondolas, and historical (albeit boring) buildings and landmarks dotting the sleepy town it resided in.

Too bad Catra was too quiet and pissy to enjoy anything. 

It had cost almost Adora’s soul just for one night in a good room. She was hoping that Catra would’ve appreciated the fun amenities, but she was just ruminating in whatever she was thinking. Her eyes had a hollow quality to them as she glanced around. Not even the faintest twitch of a smile.

“Welcome to Silver Mountain Resort!” The front desk was brimming with joy. Adora wondered if the resort paid their workers compensation for such attitudes. 

“Thanks,” Adora managed a smile, “I’m here to check in.” 

They exchanged pleasantries and Adora got the rundown of what the place had to offer. They had the rest of the evening to go sightseeing or hit up the arcade. She had planned on Catra jumping for the laser tag, or maybe even mini golf to purposely swat them into the water. The girl said not a word, though.

They went to the elevator and Adora finally noticed that Catra was still slinging around her old backpack. It was so ratty and worn that its appearance made Adora almost want to get out and go to the gift shop and purchase a new one for her. 

Adora opened her mouth, ready to offer, but she stopped. She knew Catra would just make a catty response back. It was how this whole trip was so far. It hadn’t even been one day but it felt like they had been by each other for a month. 

Years even. 

Years of uncommunicated bullshit and deep resentment. 

All of Glimmer’s drama shows always had ex-partners who were at each other’s throats, and Adora laughed how unrealistic it was, but she understood now. How blame could go both ways, unfairly or just, how past mistakes that were forgiven were suddenly blown out of proportion or taken wrong. 

The ride up was unbearably quiet. Of course, Adora paid extra for the highest two-queen room.

Ugh. 

“Sure would suck if the elevator broke down,” Adora loudly said. She attempted to crack a smile but Catra ignored her. 

The elevator made a sound. 

“Uh—”

“Don’t jinx it.” Catra finally spoke. It was such a pathetic tone for someone so fiery and lively. Their argument must’ve really gotten to her. 

Adora didn’t brave another word or attempt to make her laugh. Catra needed time to think, or at least she hoped that was the problem. 

Thankfully and safely, they made it to their floor and their room wasn’t too far off from the elevator. Adora fumbled with the key card until they were allowed in. Immediately, Catra headed to the bathroom. 

“I’m taking a shower.”

Ah.

Catra did that when she was really upset. 

“That’s fine, but can I—” the door slammed shut followed by the click of the lock. 

“… use the bathroom,” Adora huffed. She’d probably have to sneak to the waterpark or arcade and use the public. She had been holding it for so long. She should’ve went at Silverwood! 

“Dammit.” 

The shower went on and Adora grumbled. She went back outside, down the elevator, even doing a little pee dance, and into the arcade. Sure enough, there were public bathrooms and she went inside. 

She could call Glimmer while Catra was in the shower. She wouldn’t have to awkwardly excuse herself, then. A good plan. 

Adora went back to the room and dug through their bags until she found her vodka. She uncorked the bottle and brought it to her lips. The bitter liquid splashed into her mouth and she stomached it as she took one big swig. It sucked ass, all alcohol did, but it would loosen her up at least. Everything would be a little bit easier. 

She put the lid back on and returned it. She wiped her lips and felt herself gag, once, twice—safe. She wasn’t planning on throwing up fair food. Nasty. 

Adora left the room, hoping Catra would enjoy the time alone. She didn’t want her to feel abandoned, but she wasn’t exactly talking either. With a shrug, Adora went to the main lobby, tucking herself into a corner sofa and dialing her girlfriend. 

“Hey,” Glimmer answered with hesitation. 

“You’re not on speaker phone.” Adora chuckled as she heard a loud exhale of relief. 

“Oh thank fucking God. I was so freaked out! I hate being on speaker!” 

“I’m sorry, I know,” Adora hummed, examining her fingernails. They were getting a bit long. She wondered if she packed those clippers. “We’re at Silver Mountain right now. Catra is in the shower.”

“I don’t blame her. Those trains are super nasty,” Adora knew Glimmer was making a face, “but, I hope things are going well? Or better?”

“Ah, well,” Adora wondered how she could spin that it’ll get better, but even she didn’t know how it could get any better. They were so deep in their own opinions and trenches of beliefs that she doubted they’d give each other the benefit of doubt to explain their sides. 

“Oh, so it’s getting worse,” Glimmer exhaled. “Adora… you can just come home—”

“I know,” Adora softly said, “I know that you want this to get called off, too.”

Glimmer only took a few moments. 

“Honestly, yeah, I do, but I know you need to talk to her. I know how much you want to put this in the past and get her back as a friend. You deserve an explanation for all those rotten things she did. This will help you get closure, or help you two become friends again.” She reiterated. It was a conversation they had plenty of times, but Adora sometimes felt like Glimmer said it for her own sanity than Adora’s wellbeing. She couldn’t tell. Maybe it was both. 

“I just worry.” Glimmer stopped herself from rambling. “You two have history, and, well, she was your first everything. She was—is really pretty, too—”

“You’re beautiful, though,” Adora cut her off, “and, me and you are together right now. We live together. We have a savings account together, and, if I remember right, when it’s October, we both were wanting to get a puppy… We’re living the lesbian paradise.”

“Jesus,” Glimmer laughed, “you’re right—you ain’t wrong.” 

“Right,” Adora felt herself smile, “me and Catra have been done and over for a long time. And whatever feelings I had are… well, they’re somewhere in me, but they aren’t anything like ours.”

Glimmer had jealousy issues but Adora knew she was doing her best. She always tried to and, if it got overwhelming, Glimmer would tell her, or Adora would mention she felt suffocated. 

This time, though, Adora felt entirely loved and cared for. 

“I just—ugh, I’m sorry. I trust you. I love you. All that good stuff, but I don’t trust Catra. What if she tries to kiss you? Or makes a move?”

Adora froze, remembering Catra trying to hold her hand. 

“What if—what if you like it? What if she does get better?” Glimmer couldn’t help herself, but these were questions that Adora feared, too. Her emotions were all over the place today and Catra was always changing like night and day every minute and hour. 

Adora bit her lip. 

Glimmer would be furious if she told her that Catra tried holding her hand. Sure, sometimes friends did that, but not exes. Not people you had past relationships with. 

“She had tried, earlier,” Adora admitted. Glimmer and her had a strict honesty policy. “She tried to hold my hand, but I don’t know if it was an accident—”

“What?!”

“I was trying to shift into reverse and she thought I was reaching out to grab her hand, or something, I don’t know, that’s what she said,” Adora felt herself get a little defensive. She was scared Glimmer might go off. She had never done anything to actively affect her jealousy and she didn’t know what to expect. Yelling, or accusations, or—

“Are you okay?” Is what Glimmer asked. It surprised Adora, but it didn’t either. Glimmer wasn’t like Catra. She wasn’t. 

“Oh, yeah, but I took my hand away and made sure we kept our distance,” Adora said, blankly staring ahead, watching people filter in and out of the building. “I—I don’t know how I felt about it. Shocked, I guess.”

“Shocked? I’m not. Of course she’d try to do that,” the jealousy was tinged in those words, but she knew Glimmer was trying. 

“Shocked she would’ve returned it. Given how we broke up and stuff, I expected her to hate me.” Adora continued. “I didn’t think she would have any feelings left for me.”

“I see,” Glimmer trailed off. 

Fuck.

She said too much again, didn’t she? Glimmer was probably hurting over it. She couldn’t even hold her right now till she felt better. 

“What does that mean for you?” Glimmer asked. “Does that make you… feel more?”

Honesty. 

It was such an easy concept, but wild and scary in execution. Adora wanted to shy from it, but she knew it’d only cause more harm than good. She understood how one lie, even if well intentioned, could spiral into total ruin. 

“In ways,” Adora cringed, “but, I don’t know. It’s like… the child part of me, the one who doesn’t know better, it—I feel all of these things and I keep thinking ‘maybe she’ll get better!’ or ‘maybe she’s ready to change!’ and it’s making her into these things that she isn’t. These better versions of herself.”

“The potential,” Glimmer added, “your mind has an idealized version of her.”

“Yeah, and, then, here’s me—the real me— and I know the tricks and games and bullshit she plays. I know how I still do love her, but that she isn’t good for me. That she can’t give me what I need or want. That even if it was possible, we’d end up back where it had all started.”

“You’ve been thinking about this a lot,” Glimmer’s voice low and quiet. “It must’ve been on your mind for awhile now.”

“I—it—I—it has.” Adora felt so defeated.

“So, you still love her just as you did?”

“That’s too simple.” Adora rejected the idea, because it was untrue. “It’s so much more complicated… It’s like… I can love you and want to be with you and have a house and get a dog and live with… and, with her, it’s just… like.. ugh—just being near her makes me mad, but it also makes me feel happy, too. It’s like she has her claws in me still and I don’t know how to rip her off.”

“That makes me,” Glimmer swallowed, “that makes me feel really insecure about this now… not that I was completely good with it before, but now I feel really, really awful about it.”

Adora wanted to blame her loose tongue on the vodka, but it was best this way. Glimmer deserved to know how conflicted and awful she felt about it all. 

“I’m not planning to leave you. I don’t want to… to cheat or be with Catra like that.” Adora softly said to her. “I have feelings and they may want things, but I know love is a choice. And I’ve always chosen you.”

“But,” Glimmer interrupted, “what if I told you I wanted you to come home… right now? To tell Catra to go home and never call again? What would you do? How does that make you feel?”

Adora’s mouth felt so dry. 

She would do it, she would, but only if it was truly asked of her. She wanted to get to the bottom of it all to save her future with Glimmer. However, her tone, the waverying words, Adora was beginning to feel like she would have to cancel to save their relationship. 

“I would, babe, I would,” Adora soothed, “but, I need this, too. I need to get it out of me. I need to get this resolved…”

“Remember,” Glimmer inhaled, “remember, when I said… if you cheated, that if you cheated, it—”

“Glimmer,” Adora felt pain shoot through her heart at even being accused she was capable of it. She shot out of her chair, glaring at the ground, because of how wounded she was. To have Glimmer believe she would do that—that she, Adora, who had— “I would never do that to you. Never. I just—I know you’re scared but you have to trust me. I haven’t—I haven’t done anything to make you doubt my loyalty… have I?”

Glimmer was quiet and Adora swore she heard sniffling. 

“… I know you need closure, Adora,” Glimmer began, “but I just… when you told me of this big roadtrip, and how much it had meant to you two… and, just all this money you were pouring in just to see her ‘one last time’ and stuff… I—I don’t know. We never had a trip like this… and you’re going all out for her… and, I feel so… I feel insecure…it made me wonder if… I—”

“Glimmer,” Adora hated this. Glimmer was right that she had put way too much thought and effort into it. She only wanted it to be perfect—to stir up good memories and have Catra come back. As a friend—no, she couldn’t lie to herself that way. She didn’t know what she was expecting. Her heart had let her get carried away. She had gotten ahead of herself and let her emotions blind her from seeing how crazy this whole trip was. 

How many stops did she plan? 

Detours?

Famous diners or resturaunts they would go to? 

The sightseeing? 

She had put so much effort into trying to make this perfect for Catra and her because of her nostalgia. So much so she had forgotten to consider how terrible and shady it looked to Glimmer. 

“Glimmer,” Adora repeated, trying to reel her mind back in, “I—can you do one thing for me right now… please?”

“I… sure.” Glimmer took a shaky breath. 

“Go to our bedroom. Look underneath our bed on your side.”

“My side?”

“Yeah, your side is messy as hell. I can hide stuff in there,” Adora exhaled but felt a smile come to her lips when Glimmer snorted. 

“Alright, jackass,” Glimmer responded. Adora could hear her moving and opening their bedroom door. A bit of rustling and grunting. “Where exactly? I’ve never looked under here. Wow. There’s a lot of junk.”

“Yeah, so, you see those old bowling shoes you never wore? When you thought you’d competitively bowl?”

“Oh my God.” Glimmer scoffed. “We do not talk of those days.”

“Well, move it, you’ll find a box. See it?”

“I see it.” A bit more sounds and she could hear the sigh of relief as Glimmer was sitting down again. “Can I open it?”

“Yeah, of course…I promise that whatever is in there… you’ll see how much you mean to me.”

Glimmer didn’t waste time to pry it open and it was dead silent. 

Adora could hear papers rustling and then a gasp. 

“Adora…”

“Yes, sunshine?”

“These are houses… an-and venues… and—”

“—and wedding rings, right?” Adora hummed. 

“Yeah.” Glimmer was taken away. “It’s…”

“If you open the magazines, you’ll find my notes. You’ll find my dreams with you, circled and costs.” Adora wished she could’ve revealed it under better circumstances, but she didn’t want to save a surprise at the expense of her partner’s anxiety and insecurities.

“I—Adora…”

“You don’t have to say anything.” Adora told her, realizing they had been talking for a long time. “Just… keep it in mind when you say you’re scared, okay? Look in that box when you feel anxious or feel like I’m going to leave, which I won’t. Okay?” 

“I—Adora—I love—okay. Yeah. Okay.” Glimmer bubbled a bit and then laughed. “But, really? Under my side of the bed? You’re a real jerk.”

This time they both laughed together. 

“If it works, it works. Maybe you should clean it while I’m gone, huh? Send some of that shit to Goodwill, you hoarder. Until then, I better get going before Catra throws a tantrum I was gone.”

“Yeah, yeah, okay,” her voice was so much better now. Adora could still hear her filing through the box, giggling, and in awe. “I love you, dumbass. I hate how good you are at this—always making me realize how much you love me that I can’t even act out.”

“I love you, too, sparkle butt.” Adora smiled and hung up.

Adora wished she could be there, opening that box with her, and discussing her thoughts behind it all. She had wanted to do it on their anniversary, or maybe the night they got their dog. She had planned it to be an unofficial engagement, but, if it meant that Glimmer would be happy, feel better, and know she was loved, well, Adora would tell her everything and anything under the sun for her.


	11. Remember?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You Were Afraid by Night Beds

“Hey.”

The lingering smile on Adora’s face was wiped clean off. She almost jumped as she shut the door behind her. It was dark in here except the flood of light from a bed side lamp. She couldn’t see Catra. Only hear her. 

“Sorry, I had to do something,” Adora murmured, licking her lips. She thought being out of the car might make the conversation easier, but she was dumbly misled. She felt even more pressure—the realization that they could move however and whatever. That she could sit on the bed and nothing would stop Catra from sitting next to her. 

Nothing to stop Catra from trying anything but Adora’s own will. Whatever will and power she felt from Glimmer was quickly fading. 

“It’s alright… can we talk?” Catra asked from beyond the short hallway. 

Talk? 

Ah. 

Adora felt her heart clench. It was the words she was hoping to hear, but the fact she was getting them was frightening. Catra had no filter. She held nothing back, and that meant that Adora’s heart was in the line of fire. As seen from today, Adora knew Catra could snap at her and break her heart with a flick of the wrist. She wouldn’t show it, but deep down she felt like Catra’s words would always haunt her. She feared to hear whatever hurtful things she had to say, because they’d stick with her like shadows. 

“Of course,” Adora swallowed the bad taste in her mouth and went further into the room. On the bed, Catra was sitting, fiddling with her phone, and her bottle of booze open. Adora couldn’t tell how much was drank, but it didn’t matter. 

Catra’s hair was wet and weighed down. The baby hairs stuck to her forehead and a few curls shone in the lamp light. Her cat-like eyes were focusing on her as she came into the light. While Catra was sitting with her back to the bed frame, Adora took refuge on her own bed, at the edge. Part of her wanted the chance to flee if she could. She didn’t want to be trapped. 

“This trip has been,” Catra stopped, smiling a little, her sharp canines glistening, “a trip.”

“Yeah,” Adora quickly responded. “It’s been… interesting.”

“Yeah, we can say that,” Catra hummed, “but, I feel like I came up here with the wrong idea, or I’m misunderstanding you.”

“Ah.” Adora let the surprise show. She hadn’t expected Catra to hit the nail on the head so quickly. “I—maybe. I don’t know. Care to, uh, elaborate?”

“You sound like a high school test, but, sure, I will _elaborate_.” Catra scooted about, getting comfy. She even snatched a pillow and held it to her chest, drawing her knees up and composing a thoughtful expression. “When you asked me to come up, when you called and stuff, I was under the impression you wanted to test the waters again.”

Adora felt guilt in her heart. A lot of her was ashamed that maybe Catra was right. That her intentions weren’t purely just to end things between them, but find a friendship or even more. It had crossed her mind so many times that Catra would come back to her, but the timing was off. That ship had sailed long time ago. She was taken by a wonderful girl now. 

“But you’re with glitter girl. You’re still mad at everything that happened.” Catra continued, but Adora was only partially listening. Her heart was guiding her mind to a familiar thought—a place she felt vulnerable in. 

Adora had heard of poly-amorous couples. She even put deep thought on whether that was something she could do, but the idea of Glimmer looking at anyone else made her upset. The fact she’d be with two girls made her feel uneasy. Not that it was a bad thing, she had friends who were poly, but she just… it felt greedy to her. She wasn’t poly in nature, but she wished she was poly so she could have both of them. 

It was unfair of her mind and heart to want them both. They were both the same coin but different sides. Glimmer held her security, her dedication, her aspirations, her sanctuary, and her home. With Glimmer, she knew they’d always have each other’s back and never be alone. With Catra, she felt heat in her sex. She wanted nothing more to pull her hair and kiss her and wipe that smug attitude out of her. She wanted to adventure everywhere with her and have her in ways she used to. 

It’s not to say that she had no attraction with Glimmer. She absolutely did, but Catra was a wildfire. It was like nothing they did could satisfy that yearning for each other. She could never kiss her enough. Every and any orgasm demanded another—more and more and more. Nothing could dampen that desire and attraction. With Glimmer, though, they were happy with a couple. Sex didn’t have to be every night. Sometimes, when one or the other was busy, they could be without intimacy for a week or two. 

Glimmer and Catra held different parts of Adora in their hearts. To separate her own heart from the either of them would be to erase parts of her. 

Her passion or her loyalty. 

Her instinct or her hard work. 

The similarity between Glimmer and Catra was that Adora loved them both. Yet, to love them at the same time and to receive their love all the same wasn’t an option. There’d have to be a decision, and the only person at conflict with it was Adora. It would be her choice. 

She’d have to choose what part of herself she had to murder for the other to survive, and it ate away at her every night. Now, she was suffocating, hearing Catra say she came up to be with her again. She was breaking on the inside at seeing how quick her decision would have to be. 

For fuck’s sakes, she just told Glimmer her plans to marry and grow in a home with her, but she was letting her body get in the way? Letting her sex drive influence her forever after? 

Did she love Glimmer completely and utterly so much to warrant marriage? 

Didn’t Glimmer deserve someone who would not hesitate to dedicate their life with her? 

She could not choose right now. She had alcohol and was under deep emotional stress. A decision like this would require her to be sober and alone. She’d have to wait it out, but this conversation with Catra couldn’t wait. In—oh fuck. 

“You okay there?” Catra was observing her silently. 

Fuck.

How long had she been zoning off? 

“I feel like I watched you go on a face journey,” another smile came, but it wasn’t pleasant. More like a game of cat and mouse. Hah. 

“I’ve been wanting to hear you say some things,” Adora bit her tongue, trying to word what she wanted to say very carefully. A wrong word or tone could set things off track. “That you wanted to talk… and, now that we are having it… I guess I just don’t know what to say or think. I got stuck in my head. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to seem like I was ignoring you.”

“Want to _elaborate_ on those thoughts?”

Adora clicked her tongue at the cheekiness. 

“I don’t know,” Adora huffed, bringing her hands up and rubbing her face. Her head felt so congested with all these thoughts. She didn’t know where to start or end. “I just… it’s been so long since we spoke. Actually spoke. No crying or drunk talk or yelling or fighting. Just talked. It’s been years… and it feels like the moment had passed for us to kiss and make up. No. It has, but I want us to be friends…”

“Why, though?” Catra’s eyes narrowed, but she wasn’t mad. She was discerning. She was trying to dig her claws in and find the reason for such things. “If I recall, I’m an asshole.”

“I said that so long ago… we were fighting…” Adora didn’t want to go there. “I just…”

Catra was biting back words as she grabbed her bottle and took a swig. 

“Is it wrong Catra,” Adora threw herself back on her bed, staring at the ceiling. These words… these words she wanted to say hurt so much. She felt like she was surrendering herself to Catra’s mercy. She felt like she was opening the floodgates. It made her feel worse than worse—she felt so naked and vulnerable. 

“Is it wrong to say I had missed you?” Adora released, feeling some tears sting her eyes. “Is it wrong to say I miss you? I never… I never stopped thinking of you…”

“You left, though,” Catra’s voice was a higher pitch, but not yelling. Not fuming. Caught off guard, maybe. “If you miss me that much then why couldn’t you have waited in California? Why did you have to leave that very next day?” 

“I was scared,” Adora finally admitted. It came so easily and naturally. Two years of fighting and demanding reasons as to why she left and it came out. No build up, no screams of passion or tear stained hugs. Just Catra and her in a dimly lit hotel room. “I was hurt. I was lost. I felt like it was the end of the world…”

“End of the world?” This time, she had hurt Catra. Not on purpose. She didn’t relish in it either. A painful truth that hit dead on the heart. 

“When you didn’t come home that night, I knew… I—I felt like my whole world ended. Everything came crashing down and I broke down… I lost the person that meant the world to me. I lost you.”

“You didn’t, though!” She heard Catra crawl across the other bed, coming closer. “I came back that next morning and—”

“But you made a decision that night… You had ignored me for those two weeks. Like I didn’t exist. If—”

“I didn’t know what I was doing,” Catra intrupted. In a second, she was on Adora’s bed, staring down at her, and seeing her tears. Catra’s face had so many emotions—desperation, hurt, and—and—and—

“I loved you,” Catra’s mouth was wide open, spewing words, “and I still—”

Catra’s hand went to Adora’s face and Adora remembered thousands of memories of how soft and sweet and gentle Catra could be. The moments they lovingly shared together. It reminded her of a world that no longer existed and where she felt she could no longer visit. 

“But, couldn’t you have loved me more?” Adora let the tears fall. She let Catra feel the shudder that rocked her body as a pathetic, quiet sob escaped her lips. “Couldn’t you have loved me enough where you—”

“Adora… I’m—”

“Loved me enough where you didn’t cheat?”

“I’m so sorry, Adora.” Her hand never left. Even when Catra’s own tears came, too. 

****

**.  
.  
.**

__

__

_I Don’t Want to Remember How Long Ago…_

“Mom! Look!” Catra held up her drawing, but her mother was quickly slurping up her cup of noodles. Her eyes were glued to her work phone. When she wasn’t trying to shove food down her throat, she was puffing at her short cigarette.

“It’s good, honey,” she responded, glancing at it for only one second. “Put it on the fridge.” 

“There’s no more,” Catra pointed at the magnets. The fridge was covered in her drawings, but there were no more magnets. 

“I’m sorry. Take one down and throw it away.” Her mom was up, speed walking to the door, and grabbing her coat. She kept muttering about being late. 

“Your dad is asleep,” her mom said over her shoulder, kicking on her shoes, “don’t wake him up unless it’s an emergency, okay? Y’know how he gets.”

Catra stared as her mom quickly departed. 

She really didn’t want to throw away her drawings, but… she had to if she wanted her mom to admire her new drawing. 

Take something away and get something new. 

****

**.  
.  
.**

“Catra,” her teacher with perfect teeth, perfect hair, perfect white skin, and a neat desk was smiling. “Sweetie, when will your parents be here?”

It was student-teacher conference day. Even Rogelio’s father, who went in and out of prison, had made it. He even smiled that crooked grin when Rogelio showed his perfect grades and how many sports he was good at. 

Lonnie had her whole family show up, praising her. 

Catra’s mom said she’d try but not to count on it. Long hours at the hospital. Her father said he wouldn’t miss it for the world, but guess the world knocked today. That or a bottle of whiskey. 

“I don’t know,” Catra crossed her arms. She felt like a loser. She felt like a fuck up. So many people got their families to come and listen to how they were doing, except her and the other fuck ups. She got okay grades, she stayed out of trouble, and she even tried gymnastics. She was pretty good at it, but it never garnered her more than a tired look from her mom who paid for her sport’s physical and equipment. 

“Did you tell them to come?” The teacher kept smiling. Catra doubted she’d ever understand—she bet her teacher’s parents bent over backwards to get her brand new clothes and a shiny bike and they took vacations to Hawaii every summer. She bet the fucking teacher never had to close and lock her door when she heard her parents duking it out in the kitchen, glassware smashing against walls, and her father roaring and her mother beating him to a pulp for being a good for nothing. 

Catra dug her claws in her arm, glaring at the ground. 

Nothing she could do would change how her parents felt about her. More often than not, she felt like a piece of furniture in the house. To be looked at, seen, interacted with, and nothing more. Sometimes less. 

“I’m going to have to write it down,” the teacher scribbled away on her notepad. “Next time, let one of us know if they won’t show up or if you forgot to tell, okay? Let’s pretend I’m your mom. I will listen to your student led parent-teacher conference, then.”

Catra begrudgingly did and the whole time the teacher kept smiling and clapping and ‘good job, sweetie!’ or ‘that’s excellent! Impressive!’ or ‘Sounds like you could use some help there. Ask me if you ever need help!’ and these words made her angrier. 

It made her fucking pissed. 

It made her feel so unworthy and insignificant. 

That if some prissy white teacher in their ghetto ass school could pretend to be her mom and say the nicest things she ever was told, then why couldn’t her own mom, who birthed her, put in the effort? Why couldn’t her father, who named her, say half of these things without slurring or staggering? 

Why wasn’t she good enough to receive this without prompt? 

It was the first moment in her childhood that she realized maybe she wasn’t loved. The first seed planted into her heart that made her wonder whether if she was worthy of it at all. 

****

**.  
.  
.**

“Let’s go watch a movie,” Mara was grinning. “I’ll pay!”

“What movie?” Catra could never say no to her, but she could always judge her shit taste in media. 

“How about the one with the girl who runs from home, and she wants to be a singer—there’s this part—”

“Lemme guess,” Catra had a bitter taste in her mouth, “she becomes famous, her enstranged family finds her, and it’s a big happy ending where they’re reunited and she gets the cute boy who was a dick to her in the music club thing?”

Mara blinked. 

“Something wrong with that?” She asked, smile fading. “Aren’t happy endings good?”

Catra didn’t know how to respond. It came off so bitchy. 

“Sorry… bad day…” 

“It’s okay,” Mara went to her, hugging her, “we can just stay home if you want.”

In every movie, it was always a white girl who got everything she could ask for. Just vanilla hardships of ‘oh, I’m not conventionally pretty’ or ‘oh, woe is me, dad won’t let me join football’, but the world just would shape itself to meet her desires and needs. 

She had yet to find a movie with girls like her. 

Girls who have broken families but found new ones like Mara and her parents. 

Girls who don’t look like some white Victoria’s Secret model. 

It felt like the movies and the world was made for pretty white girls and left anyone else in the dust. It made her feel like she would never get her happy ending. Though, she was with Mara, so wasn’t that a happy ending? 

Yeah. It could be. It was. 

****

**.  
.  
.**

Love kills.

Spray paint stuck to her fingers as her fingers throbbed, hurting from the hours of pressure and spraying. 

She stared up at the shipping container. 

Yeah. 

Love kills.


	12. You Were My Girl

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You Were My Girl by Palmas

It was still in the middle of the night. 

Adora felt groggy as she shifted in her bed, wondering when she fell asleep. She was too tired to even look. She wasn’t planning on getting up. As she rolled, she felt an arm by her and she stopped. At first she thought it was Glimmer, but this wasn’t their bed. 

It was Catra. 

Adora’s foggy mind couldn’t comprehend the harm in it.

She could smell Catra’s perfume—summer and fields and something sweet like peaches. A paradise in California with its burning asphalt, oil spills, and arid heat. 

Something in her heart broke. She felt more tears come as her eyes slowly began to adjust. Catra was curled near her, sleeping on top of the blankets. Adora was under but she could feel the heat radiating from her. 

Piece by piece, she felt like she was dying. 

She had missed Catra so much. She had wanted to hear that apology for so long. How many adventures did Catra and her have? Three years they had known each other, three years they had overcome obstacle after obstacle. 

Catra and her were written in the stars. Maybe only in the California nights, but those skies were her favorite. The only stars to shine in the light pollution. 

Carefully, Adora brought her hand from under the covers, and could see Catra’s face. She was fast asleep. A heavy sleeper, too. 

At least, only when she felt safe. 

Catra felt safe. 

Adora brought her hand to Catra’s face and felt how soft it was. She could feel the imperfections and she felt the slight twitch, too. 

Like the thousand times she had done it in the past, Catra lightly leaned into her touch with such love. Even in sleep, she needed her touch. 

Adora felt the tears fall and she knew, deep down in her heart, she’d remember this moment. Even if sleep was beckoning her quickly to its darkness. She knew this moment would replay in her head for years to come… 

“I love you.” She whispered, closing her eyes and grimacing. It hurt so much. 

Eventually, they will be fighting again. They will never talk again. Their love might have been great and fiery and brighter than most, but it extinguished and ate itself up, too. Their fights were as destructive and merciless. 

She took her hand back as if she’d get burned. 

She knew she shouldn’t have done that. It was a step too far. 

But Adora just wanted one intimate moment like that. Just one so she could release the overflowing emotions that were caught in her throat when she saw Catra. 

They were awful together, but she loved her so much and how could this love be evil if it was innocent in nature? 

“I love you so much.” Adora sniffled, rolling in the opposite direction and giving Catra her back. “I’m so sorry.” 

****

**.  
.  
.**

_Three Years Ago…_

A week and Catra only texted short replies. She didn’t show for any of the games or go out to hang with her.

Second week and Adora ventured to the train yard. Catra had buffed some new stuff, but she didn’t invite Adora. Catra never responded to her texts now. 

Adora couldn’t handle it anymore. She was going to get answers. 

The heat was getting worse and worse. Adora had already burnt twice and getting some weird tan lines going on. Her shoulders were peeling and it felt like every day she was drowning in her own sweat. The burning sun was cooking Los Angeles alive and it was showing. Everyone was breaking up or getting angry. More shootings around the city, more tragedies, and the wildfires were getting worse and worse. The sky was becoming hazy, causing it to turn orange and casting the sun red as a grapefruit. 

“Where is she?” Adora finally caught up with Lonnie. Her cousin frowned, itching the back of her neck. Adora didn’t know what was going on with herself, but she felt overwhelmed. Like she was on edge. For those two weeks, Lonnie had been avoiding any conversation with her, too. She felt like she was being left out on some big detail. Even their team noticed something weird between them.

“I don’t know, dude,” she shrugged but her eyes were looking everywhere but her. Lonnie might’ve been slick to the girls, but Adora and her were family. She couldn’t lie to her. 

“Lonnie… I’m worried…”

“Adora, I—I really don’t know. She was staying with me then left—”

“Where to?” Adora took a few steps closer to Lonnie, frowning and trying to make sure she got every single detail out of her. “Is she staying with someone else?”

“I don’t know! We haven’t talked since, then, but, hey, uh, we were—Adora, I know it’s weird, but I never got around to tellin’ you that we never were together… I was just letting her crash at my place…” 

Adora’s frown deepened. 

“Okay…? So, she went back home?” Adora wasn’t understanding what she meant. All she could think was that she did something wrong, or maybe Catra really liked Lonnie and caught her doing something. Or maybe they fought and Catra was all caught up on being hurt. Or maybe she was in trouble!

“That’s—no.”

“Where did she go, then?” Adora wasn’t letting it go. “Is she okay?”

“Adora, jeez, I don’t know! She—”

“You’re not telling me something. I can see it in your eyes,” Adora cut Lonnie off on the sidewalk. They were walking up the street to Lonnie’s house. Auntie had invited her and Miss Weaver to dinner, but, of course, Miss Weaver declined but begrudgingly let Adora go. 

“It’s not for me to tell,” Lonnie chewed her lips up, stuffing her hands in her short’s pockets. “That’s something you have to ask Catra about.”

“I would but she is ignoring me!” Adora held her phone out and Lonnie came closer. She had sent probably twenty texts that were left on read. “Did I do something wrong? I know—Rogelio said that she—”

“She ditches people,” Lonnie stated, crossing her arms. “It’s a thing she does, Adora…”

“Yeah, but she’s really nice! And funny! We get along really well.” Adora scrolled to the last reply she got, which was just a ‘lol nice’. “I feel like I must’ve done something…”

“Adora,” Lonnie’s face fell as she put a hand on her shoulder. “I don’t think it’s you. It’s her… sometimes, people just treat each other shitty and it has nothing to do with your worth or whatever.”

Adora wasn’t buying it. 

Lonnie could see it in her eyes, too, as she exhaled deeply. 

“Look, so, I may have heard she’s going to show up to a party tonight… we can maybe tell the ol’ Witch you’re staying with me tonight and we can go to it… and, yeah, yeah, I promise not to bring a girl back, either.” Just like that, it felt like the summer heatwave had lessened and Adora felt a big smile working its way on her face. 

“I left my makeup there with you, too, right?” Adora asked as Lonnie nodded at her and they kept walking. Suddenly, everything was much better. 

“Oh, makeup now?” Lonnie snickered. “You really going all out!”

Adora was still concerned, but, if Catra was at a party, then nothing bad must’ve happened? Maybe she needed space… or, she found someone else. 

Adora didn’t know how to feel—she was a mixture of anxiety and excitement. It made her so restless. All she knew was that she was going to go all out and make it where Catra couldn’t ignore her anymore. 

Maybe tonight… she could finally ask her out… 

****

**.  
.  
.**

Catra was the first to wake up.

Adora was out like a light and snoring up a storm. Guess that never changed. 

Catra opened her eyes, blinking and adjusting to the early morning light. Adora’s hair was so long now and it was everywhere. Her new color shone like spun gold. 

Catra wished she could see Adora’s face, see if she drooled like she used to, too, but she had her back to her. She could see the muscles underneath her shirt, relaxed yet defined. The blankets were almost kicked down to her waist. 

“You’re an idiot,” she whispered to Adora. She propped her head up with her hand, staring at her back. She felt her heart waver, her stomach drop, and she wondered whether Adora meant what she said. She didn’t want to believe that it was too late to get her back. 

It wasn’t that she enjoyed ‘stealing’ her away from someone, but there was hesitation in Adora’s actions. There was a look in her eyes when Catra smiled at her. Somewhere in her, Catra felt like she still belonged. 

If she still had a chance somewhere in there, shouldn’t she take it? 

All her life she had to fight for love. Nothing came easy. This was just another obstacle, but, it wasn’t like any other she had before. She could see the love in Adora’s eyes when she spoke of her girlfriend. Her whole demeanor became lively and happy and positive just at the mention of Glimmer. She could tell when she thought of her, too. 

Catra frowned as she reached out, running her hand through the ends of Adora’s hair. 

Adora was torn up over it all. The wounds were fresh. It’s obvious that she didn’t want to press what was between them, but it wasn’t fair. 

They loved each other… or, at least, Catra loved her. More than anything and anyone else. 

More than she ever did Mara. 

She only made a mistake once. A big, awful mistake, but she immediately tried to remedy it. She immediately ran back, ready to make everything right, ready to tell Adora anything and everything, but she was gone. 

Her knick knacks, random stuff, and everything was left behind. Only her essentials and cherished items were taken. 

Catra recognized how deeply she hurt Adora. She hadn’t realized until months later that for Adora… she didn’t have to fight tooth and nail for love or basic decency. It had been given to her naturally. So, for an issue to arise that required effort, Adora didn’t know how to handle it. 

So she had left. 

Catra brought that beautiful hair up to her mouth, smelling it. The shampoo and conditioner was foreign to her nose. It was no longer the scent she associated her with. 

But she kissed it nonetheless. 

It hurt so much. 

Deep down, she felt a conflict arise in her. 

Perhaps Adora did love her. Maybe there was a chance for them to get back together, too, but…

Catra closed her eyes, holding the hair to her lips. How many times had she done this when they were together? Gently kissing Adora’s hair. 

Catra shuffled over, leaning over Adora to see her peaceful drooling face. 

How many times would she kiss her hair and then her cheeks and lips?

Catra wondered if they were still soft like old times, or if they tasted the same…

Even if they were… 

Who was to say that Adora would not be happier if Glimmer was doing this?

In her heart, Catra felt fear. Doubt. That maybe Adora could be the happiest with Glimmer, better off with her than she ever would be with Catra. 

The thought bothered her. She couldn’t put a finger on it, whether it was her insecurities and childhood traumas rearing their heads, as Scorpia would eloquently put it, or if it the rotten truth she didn’t want to believe. 

Catra stared at Adora’s lips. 

She only wanted one. 

One last kiss if this was forever goodbye. 

Catra leaned down, closing her eyes, inching closer. She felt like it was an eternity before she felt the heat of Adora’s skin. Her lips were centimeters away. 

And she stopped. 

She opened her eyes and stared at Adora. She could close the distance and that would be that. She’d get her kiss. But something in her couldn’t. 

She couldn’t. Not unless Adora returned it. Not unless she knew Adora wanted it. 

“If I kissed you,” Catra asked, knowing she’d never hear a response, “would you kiss me back, Adora?”

Her princess was unaware of the whole world. Faraway in dream land. 

“Would you… my Adora?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys should recheck the beginning chapter. You'll find a surprise. : )


	13. What Were You Thinking?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sunburn by Diamond

**Three Years Ago…**

When Adora got out of her car, the first thing she noticed about the house party was that it reeked of pot. She was super thankful Lonnie was letting her crash at her place. Miss Weaver would skin her alive, or worse, if she knew she was out with people like this.

The whole front yard had groups loitering around, smoking cigarettes, vaping, or straight up toking it up. Adora saw a few teenagers amongst them, but she didn’t say anything. It always made her sad to see the delinquents finding comfort in alcohol and drugs so early. They had potential, they had—

“Can’t save them all,” Lonnie patted her back, leading her to the door. When they came into the porchlight, several people were nodding at Lonnie and greeting her. However, unlike before, people were lingering on Adora, too. Lonnie’s little sister was some sort of Instagram makeup person and had fixed Adora up. 

The attention was nice, but she didn’t do this for everyone. She had done this for Catra. Her eyes were scanning the crowds as they went up the porch. She even turned around, looking about, but she didn’t see her. 

“She’s probably inside,” Lonnie nodded but hesitated for a moment. “And, she might not be alone, Adora.”

Well, yeah, she figured. Catra had friends—

“She might have someone new she’s bunking with,” Lonnie licked her lips, staring at Adora. “So, uh, yeah, just be—hm. Just be careful.”

“Careful?” Adora scoffed. What was that supposed to mean? Lonnie opened the door and they were met with music blasting and throngs of people mingling and dancing. The smell intensified greatly with a concoction of sweet alcoholic drinks and pizza. 

“Yeah, just—Adora, this ain’t a conversation to have with me.” Lonnie blew it off and Adora let it drop. There were lots of things Adora wanted to ask Catra—why was she ignoring her now for two weeks? 

Where did she go?

Why wasn’t she showing up to their games anymore?

Will she be her girlfriend?

Adora had a height advantage, but, Catra was short, so it hardly mattered. She tiptoed to peer above everyone’s head. Whatever holes there were in the crowd, there must be short people gathered around. 

“I’m going to see a few people,” Lonnie nodded to the beer pong table. “Text me if you can’t find me. Your my ride home!” 

“Alright,” Adora didn’t waste a second to push through the crowd. People parted for her if they saw her coming, but she easily slid or forced her way by if not. She went to every pocket in the crowd, searching high and low for Catra, but the girl was nowhere to be found. Bout the time she got to the other side of the room, her arm felt sticky from everyone’s sweat. 

She was going to search again when a girl gasped, almost spilling a drink on them both. 

“Like, watch out!” The girl wasn’t that much shorter than her. Her turquoise hair made her stand out even more, but her fiery golden eyes caught Adora’s attention quicker. She was beautiful. “You could’ve ruined my shirt—Oh. You’re Lonnie’s friend, aren’t you?”

Her voice was thick with a valley girl accent and she radiated some sort of attitude. Another girl had approached and she was actually taller than Adora. She had long, billowy blonde hair with cute curls. Her eyes were dark as onyx and she had a dark tan. Both these girls had some serious surfer vibes. They were the iconic poster children for California and its beaches, renowned for beautiful model babes. 

Adora blushed as she put her hands up. 

“Oh, I’m so sorry,” she excused herself, momentarily forgetting about finding Catra, “uh, yeah, uh I don’t know you guys, though.”

It was a blessing and curse being known as Lonnie’s best friend. So many stories were had just because of her association. 

“I’m Perfuma!” The tall girl introduced herself. She was grinning away and Adora could tell she was super bubbly. “It’s nice to meet you!”

“Mermista,” the turquoise hair girl pointed at herself. “You’re like… taller than I was told.”

“And even prettier! Look at those arms!” Perfuma hopped to Adora’s side, wrapping her arms around Adora’s bicep. “Oh, please, flex!”

Adora nervously laughed and flexed once and Perfuma squeeled in delight. 

“Either way,” Mermista pulled Perfuma back to her side, “I thought Lonnie said you were, like, uptight or something. You went to that private school, right? Don’t you got a strict aunt or mom or something? I forget.” 

It was a little alarming how much some stranger knew about her life. 

“Uh, yeah, I went to the private school,” Adora ignored the other statements. “You’re right I don’t exactly go out often… but, I’m trying to find a friend.”

“Oh, well, you came to the right person,” Mermista turned to Perfuma, “hey, Adora is looking for her friend.”

“Oh! Want me to look for her, or would I know her?” Perfuma leaned down a bit to Adora.

“She knows everyone,” Mermista shrugged, rolling her eyes. 

Adora was going to decline, but the party was huge and she didn’t know anything about this house. Catra really could be anywhere, or, worse, Adora wouldn’t find her in time before she left. 

“Oh, yeah,” Adora spoke louder for the two to hear, “her name is Catra.”

“Catra?!” Mermista narrowed her eyes. “Why Catra?”

“Oh! Catra!” Perfuma already stood to her full height, easily peering about everyone else. “Let me think!” 

“I don’t think you want to be looking for Catra,” Mermista blew bangs out of her face, “she’s, like, super bad news.”

“Y’know,” Adora felt herself sour, “people keep telling me that but she hasn’t done anything wrong to me!” 

Despite not answering her texts anymore. Ignoring her. Never giving a straight answer. Being vague as possible. 

But that was her choice and Adora had no right prying. She thought, maybe. 

Mermista only gave her a very seasoned look before shrugging. 

“Whatever,” she looked up to Perfuma who suddenly clasped her hands together in revelation. 

“Yeah! I saw her outside in the back! She should be around the fire pit!” Perfuma relayed the information. “I hope you find her! I didn’t know you two were friends!”

Adora felt relief flood in her. At least someone else wasn’t so harsh on Catra!

“Thanks!” Adora nodded to them. “Maybe I’ll see you around!”

“Come to the beach more often!” Perfuma called out, waving eagerly. “I’d love to get to know you!”

Mermista had her arms crossed, watching her leave. 

“What the fuck was her problem,” Adora muttered, pushing into the crowd. 

Lately, she had been feeling off. She couldn’t tell whether it was people constantly shitting on Catra, or people patronizing her for associating with Catra. She doubted these people actually took time to get to know Catra. If they did, they’d see she’s a really cool and deep person that had beautiful artwork! 

It just made her so mad nobody gave her the time or day. 

It took a couple of minutes to navigate through the house and to find the back-sliding door. Once out, Adora took a big inhale of the night air. It smelled and tasted sweet in her lungs. It was good to just get out of the crowd. 

“Hey,” Lonnie came out of nowhere, holding two cups, “got you something.”

“Jesus,” Adora stiffened and released, “you scared me…”

Lonnie handed her the cup and took a swig of hers. Adora brought the cup up to her nose, smelling it. It was blue raspberry lemonade. 

“It’s alcoholic,” Lonnie didn’t even look at her, staring at the pool and sipping. There were people playing around in it and splashing, and the usual couple practically fucking in the corner of it. “Thought you might want it.”

Adora didn’t ask why. Her nerves were already flaring from nervousness and irritation. She was growing sick of people shitting on her feelings for Catra. Sure, Catra wasn’t perfect, but she definitely was amazing in her own way! 

“There,” Lonnie motioned her drink in front of them. Beyond the pool, there was a fire place that had a crowd of people sitting around it. Amongst them, Adora saw that familiar mane of hair. 

“Catra,” Adora smiled and Lonnie cleared her throat. Just as she spotted the girl, there was another girl who suddenly wrapped her arm around her. She felt her whole body go rigid as the grin was wiped clean off her face. 

“Yeah,” Lonnie kicked the ground a bit, “I, uh, figured that might be the case.”

“Are they dating?” The words came quick but the cup of alcohol followed even quicker. Adora took large gulps of it and dammit Lonnie always filled these cups to the brim. She couldn’t even taste the alcohol in it—dangerous. 

“Uh, not that I know of, but, uh, people have been talking that Catra has been hanging a lot with her.” Lonnie shrugged a bit. Adora knew there was more to it—she hated how she could tell Lonnie was withholding information. 

What was worse was that Adora realized Catra had replaced their time together with someone else. A bitter disgusting feeling of jealousy rose in Adora. 

What did that other girl bring that she couldn’t?

“I’m sorry, Adora,” Lonnie tried to be comforting but it wasn’t her skill of expertise. “I—”

“I will catch up to you later,” Adora shoved the empty cup at Lonnie and walked around the pool. Tonight, she had Lonnie’s sister do her hair. She had worn it down, something she hated doing, but Lonnie’s sis had a way with it—able to make her terrible bangs into a swoop that worked well with the waves she put in. Her makeup was flawless, so said Lonnie’s sis. 

She wore her good sneakers, jean shorts, and her best hoodie with the sleeves cut off. If all this couldn’t put her competition to shame, Adora would have to just try harder. 

Within moments, she was approaching the fire and catching a part of their conversation. 

“—isn’t that right, Catra?” The girl with her arm around Catra laughed. Adora saw how she groped her side. 

Catra only snorted. “Sure. Whatever you say.”

“What!? I thought we both had a good time,” the girl giggled, “I mean, we did it for hours…”

Adora stopped behind them. 

Did it?

Adora didn’t want to believe what she heard. 

Catra had sex with someone… that she probably only knew for two weeks? 

It wasn’t that it was someone so soon, but, rather, Catra preferred someone entirely new and unknown to her than Adora. Why didn’t Catra choose a relationship with her? 

“Oh! Hey, Adora!”

Dammit Kyle!

Adora shot a glare at him, making him jump. She spotted a cup in his hand and swiped it from him. On cue, Catra had quickly shot a look behind her, staring directly at Adora. Immediately, Adora saw the look of appreciation on her face. She knew she was looking pretty bomb tonight. 

Adora took a big gulp of—oh fucking gross. Coke and rum. Not even mixed well. 

“Hey Adora.” Her words made her heart and sex feel things. 

“Hey Catra.” Adora went around, sitting at the vacant spot right next to Catra. It was so extra to do so. There was barely enough room for half her ass, but she was going to make it obvious that Catra was hers. Or make the girl back off enough so Adora could get Catra alone to ask questions. 

It was a strange feeling—possessive and horny. In love and fed up. 

“Adora?” The girl was smiling, processing her name. “Oh, y—”

“Yeah, I’m Catra’s friend. Lonnie’s best friend.” Adora cut her off, forcing a toothy grin. Catra sat between them and Adora watched Catra’s face. Her eyes were wide, staring at her, but she was also trying to school herself. It brought Adora great pleasure to see her trying to deny the attraction. 

She knew now there was something there. 

“Didn’t know you’d be here, Adora,” Catra managed, looking back at the girl and—was she trying to ignore her? 

“I come to parties every now and then,” Adora brought her arms down, resting them. However, she did it in such a way that her left arm was practically all up in Catra’s lap. 

That didn’t go unnoticed. 

The other people around the fire were a bit quiet, staring at the interaction. 

“I never heard Catra talk about you,” the girl flicked her hair back, “but, it’s so nice to meet you. Hope you’re enjoying my party?” 

“It’s alright,” Adora cut the conversation quick, “but I really only came here to talk to Catra.” 

The girl raised her eyebrows, giving a haughty look to Adora and then a sharp one to Catra. 

“Is that so? Didn’t know you were meeting up with someone, Catra…You didn’t seem to mention that?” Adora didn’t understand why she was being so pointed with Catra. 

“Is that a problem?” Adora interjected, catching the girl by surprise. “For Catra to meet up with friends at parties?”

“…Adora.” Catra whispered, but Adora didn’t stop. 

“I didn’t say that.” The girl laughed, looking around at the crowd that kind’ve chuckled with her. Adora knew she was trying to make everyone view her as a weirdo, some clingy girl after Catra, but she wasn’t biting it. She knew how it was. “You’re kind’ve getting a bit, uh, uppity ‘bout this.”

“Maybe,” Adora turned her full attention to Catra, “anyways, want to go walk around?”

Catra’s eyes sparkled a bit, but she didn’t budge. She just shyly peeked over at the other girl, as if she had to answer to her. 

“I don’t know, I’m kind’ve chill where I’m at—”

“I don’t think she wants to go,” the girl chimed in, pleased, smug, and—

“Let’s go,” Adora stood up, staring intently down at Catra, “c’mon. Let’s just go.”

Adora couldn’t stand someone holding Catra like an item. Like Catra had to report to her. 

“I—” Catra looked so uncomfortable. She kept glancing between the two of them. 

“Can’t you take the hint?” The girl spoke up, standing up, too. She crossed her arms and tilted her head. “She’s not interested.”

Adora felt her mouth dry up. Her confidence could only carry her so far and she was beginning to see that maybe she misunderstood. Perhaps the girl was right and Catra really wasn’t interested in her. 

Maybe Kyle and Rogelio were right that Catra just had her fun and was done hanging out with her. 

That Lonnie had read her through and through and Adora was just going to get hurt in the end. 

Adora had done so much to look good tonight to present her feelings for Catra, thinking they’d get together that she never considered that maybe Catra just didn’t like her that way. She kept staring at Catra until their eyes locked. 

Would this be the end of it?

Could Adora go back home and never talk to Catra again and swallow these raw feeling in her stomach and loins? 

Catra didn’t know the extent—she didn’t know how much she felt about her! She couldn’t be denied—couldn’t give up after she came this far! 

“I’m interested!” Adora blurted and that made the girl laugh out loud. The other fire place people snickered. “I’m interested—Catra, I really like you!”

“You like her?” The girl mocked and laughed even more at her. “What is this, high school? Oh my god!”

“W-What was wrong with saying I like her?” Adora’s brows knitted together and she didn’t want to admit it but she felt humiliated. 

“People don’t really do that anymore,” someone said. “You just vibe and you’re together.”

“Yeah—when was the last time someone made a confession? Highschool, right?” Someone spoke to another person, giggling. 

Adora’s cheeks were on fire as she watched Catra’s eyes lower and she looked… she looked embarrassed…

“You should go before you make a bigger loser of yourself,” the girl wiped away fake tears. “Oh my god, that was hilarious—look, Catra doesn’t even know what to say!”

“I—”

Adora really just wanted to go home now. Catra literally wasn’t saying anything and letting her take this sort of talk. 

It was becoming obvious that everyone was right—Adora was wrong. She felt her shoulders square and she promised to herself she wouldn’t cry, but she felt so disappointed. She had—she had such big dreams of how they’d be like together. How cute it’d be to always hold Catra’s hand and—

“I think it’s really sweet!” 

Adora looked over to see someone in the crowd, staring at them. She was a really tall and huge butch woman with white hair. She was super cute. 

“I think that was really sweet to say!” She spoke up louder. “That she said that! It was genuine!”

“Scorpia, shut up! You’re so cheesy!”

That voice alone seemed to have snapped Catra out of what weird place she was in. She got up, exhaling and itching the back of her neck. 

“You killed the vibes,” she couldn’t bring her gaze up to the girl. “I think I’m going to go hang with Adora for awhile.”

“What!?”

“Let’s just go,” Catra said, walking ahead. She wasn’t going to the house, though, but a gate that led to the front yard. “I need a breather anyways.” 

“You’re leaving?!”

Catra ignored the girl, but peered back for Adora. 

“You coming?” Her voice was so lazy and bored. It irritated Adora and it sent shivers down her spine, too. She felt like she was ready to explore—she was disappointed but relieved, she was in love but ashamed, she was horny but hurt. 

She was almost shaking. 

This whole month with Catra had set her control and body on fire. She didn’t know what to do—she had never felt this way before. It was screwing with her goals. She spent hours just thinking of Catra instead of studying, or would skip out on practice every now and then just to go tagging the city with her. 

Her life was upside down around Catra and it excited her! It made her feel so wild and free!

Adora went after her and Catra held the gate open as they went into the dark walkway along the side of the house. Here, it was quiet. Here, she was alone with Catra, but the girl didn’t say a thing. They just walked to the front. 

“You should probably go home, Adora,” Catra finally spoke up as they got to the front yard. “Where’s your car? I—oh, I see it.” 

Adora didn’t understand. They had held hands in the rain, they had went out on a movie date—what more? 

What more could she do to get Catra?

“I’m going to be crashing at Lisa’s place soon,” Catra never told her why. Didn’t she have a home? 

Why did she jump couches and sleep with all these people? 

Adora wasn’t—

“I don’t really want to have to ask someone else if I can… it’s embarrassing enough to ask someone like her.” Catra muttered as they were approaching Adora’s car. “I don’t want her to be mad at me.”

She wouldn’t look at her.

They got to her car and Catra had crossed her arms. 

“It’s sweet… what you said…” 

“Look at me.”

“I just don’t think—I don’t think you know me well enough to say that, though.” Catra continued. 

“Look at me, Catra.”

“It isn’t that you’re not pretty… or smart or great at basketball or just… everything super cool…”

“Catra! Look at me!” Adora yanked her shoulders, forcing her to turn and stare up at her. It was now—right here in the darkness, Catra against her car, Adora nearly pressed against her—that Adora saw Catra’s red face and how lidded her eyes were. 

“I like you!” Adora exclaimed! “I liked you since I saw you! I like you!”

“I—”

“Do you like me?” Adora asked, desperately, leaning close. “Do you like me?” 

Catra was wearing these super short shorts. A crop top, showing off her perfect little body. It was haunting—it was teasing! 

“Adora, it isn’t that—it’s complicated.”

“Do you like me?” Adora asked again. “Yes or no.”

“Adora,” her voice was so hushed and strained, “it’s not about that… things aren’t so easy…”

“Fine.” Adora didn’t give up. “Do you want to kiss me, though?” 

If she did then she must like her. If she didn’t then she didn’t and she’d have to admit defeat. 

“I—”

“Do you?” Adora rested a hand against her car, leaning closer to Catra. “If I was going to kiss you right now, would you kiss me back?”

Catra’s full lips quivered. Her body pressed against Adora’s car, but her head was coming closer. 

“Adora.”

“Would you… my Catra?” Adora’s voice cracked and she couldn’t say the word. 

She didn’t have to, because Catra’s lips were on hers. 

Adora didn’t know what overcame her but she slammed her hand against her car, pushing against Catra, caging her against her body and the car. 

Catra moaned into her mouth and she felt those claws trace up her arm, groping her muscles, and gripping her shoulder. 

The kiss was sloppy on Adora’s end. She never kissed before—she felt their lips wet from her own tongue and saliva. She had brought her tongue deeply into Catra and rolled it against Catra’s. The girl kept trying to correct her, trying to show her how to kiss right, with passion, with finesse, but Adora needed more than that. She had no time for refinery. 

She dropped her arms low, cupping Catra’s thighs and picking her up. She put her up against her car, never stopping their kiss, and she put her body between the girl’s legs. 

“Adora.” The moan was unexpected but it filled the primal emotion in Adora. She felt like she was on a high, that she was a feral beast from one kiss. 

“Adora.” Catra ran her hands through Adora’s hair as Adora kept trying to get all of Catra’s mouth. They only stopped when Adora felt saliva dripping down her chin. Only stopped when Catra turned her head away, panting. 

“Jesus Christ,” Catra tried catching her breath, “Adora, jesus, ha—have you ever kissed before?”

Adora didn’t know what to blame. The alcohol? The Californian heat? The jealousy? Being so in love with Catra? Horny? 

She didn’t answer Catra. She just went back for more. She felt unsatisfied with regular kisses. She just wanted to be deep in Catra. Tongue, fingers, she didn’t care—she needed to be in this girl. 

“You’re mine now,” Adora didn’t know why she said it as she said it between kisses. “Be my girlfriend.”

“Unf.” Catra moaned again because Adora’s hips were firmly against hers. Adora wasn’t sure what to exactly do. She didn’t know where to go from here. She knew she wanted to fuck but was it the right moment? Her body said yes. Her heart said maybe she should wait, but who cares about common sense? Adora had a hot girl pinned against her car, moaning. 

“I-I’m—I’m yours,” Catra whispered and Adora’s hips jerked on their own volition. A bolt of pleasure went up Adora’s spine. 

Fuck.

But it was the sound of Catra whining in frustration and excitement that sent her whole mind numb. Her skin burning. 

“Hey, Adora, what—OH!” 

Immediately, Catra began to kick around and struggled out of Adora’s grasp. Adora jumped and stared, caught red handed, by Lonnie. 

“Oh, whoa,” Lonnie blubbered, staring, mouth hanging, “uh… get it girl?” 

“Lonnie!” Adora gasped. 

She still wanted to bang Catra, though. 

“Hey, Lonnie,” Catra covered her face with her hand. 

“Uh, yeah, you, too,” Lonnie gave her a quick look but stared at Adora, “um… So, like, I saw what happened… and came to say let’s go home, but, uh… God, I really hate to do this to you, Adora, but I’m going to have to cockblock you, cause I ain’t going to let you two bang in my bed…”

“Oh my God.” Catra muttered, trying to disappear from existence. 

“You work quick!” Lonnie blurted to Adora. “Like, damn! I guess we are related!” 

“Lonnie!” Adora squeaked. Whatever crazy feelings she was having earlier were gone from being caught. 

“Damn!” 

“Kill me.” Catra groaned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _I had you up against the car_  
>  What were you thinking?  
> With my hands in your hair  
> No sign of slowing down or care 


	14. What Were You Thinking? Side-B

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I Bet On Losing Dogs by Mitski

**Three Years Ago…**

Maybe she could’ve done the chores.

Catra dismissively sniffed, hopping up onto an abandoned cart. The trainyard was always her go to when she didn’t have a fall back plan. The evening was burning hot and this sheet metal warehouse brought little comfort. It was stuffy but a bit cooler. 

Catra eyed the large, rusty metal shelves, looking up at her usual perch. She wondered if anyone found it, or if it remained untouched. 

Catra made her way to the top of the shelves, uncaring that if she messed up she’d probably get tetanus or end up splatting like a pancake on the ground. Eventually, she made it to the top. These shelves were meant to hold shipping containers, or things of the like. They were wide and hefty. So, for her to set up a sleeping bag and stow her junk away up here was no problem. 

She sat down, licking the front of her teeth in disdain. She forgot her toothbrush at Lonnie’s. Stupid mistake. 

But the look in Lonnie’s eyes—the pity—it burned her like hot coals. If there was one thing in the world she hated it was being pitied. She wasn’t helpless, she wasn’t lost, she wasn’t desperate—she had survived in this cruel world without much help. She got by through questionable means, but they were on her own agenda. Not anyone else’s. She wasn’t going to be a charity case or a burden to anyone. 

Her cellphone vibrated. 

Adora!

Catra felt herself smile as she quickly picked up her cellphone, checking, and found herself deeply disappointed. 

It was just someone else. She ignored it and huffed. 

What would Adora think? Catra glowered, wondering if Lonnie spilled everything. Out of all the girls she had bunked and slept with, Lonnie was probably the worst one to do that with. Not that she was bad news or crappy in bed. Just that Lonnie knew her past. Too much of it, she had way too much on Catra. 

Unlike Adora. 

Adora didn’t know a thing about her. She took her as she was without regard to her past or her mistakes. She let Catra show her who she really was without being weighed on past judgements and sins. 

If Adora knew her past, what would she do?

Could she accept her if she had sex more than she could remember? 

That sometimes a hot meal was a fuck away? 

It wasn’t that Catra minded sometimes. Some of the girls were actually hot and fun to be around. The sex was fun and alright, but, Catra couldn’t deny it was lacking. There was always something missing. She felt like a shell—like she was on autopilot sometimes. 

But…

Her heart was racing in her chest. 

If it was with Adora? 

Maybe it would be a bit nicer… Adora wouldn’t take her out to dinner with expectations of making out or fucking. Adora did those things because… well, Catra didn’t know. 

She really didn’t know. That Adora girl was something else… like her Mara was. 

Her phone went off again and she absently glanced at it. 

Another girl. 

News must’ve got around she was looking for a bunkmate again. She doubted it ever occurred to girls that she was homeless between couch surfing. She wondered if they even cared, or if they saw it as purchasing fun times with her. 

Did that make her a prostitute? 

Catra drew her knees to her chest, burying her face into her arms. The sound of a distant train echoed in the creaky building. 

Lonnie said Adora couldn’t take her in… but, what was life like… with Adora?

Would she wake up early and cook them breakfast? 

Would she listen to her talk about her day and smile and laugh and chide her for dumb, silly things?

…

Would she hang up her favorite artwork on the fridge, too? And, if they ran out of space…

Catra knew Adora would buy more magnets. She would.

**.  
.  
.**

It was becoming hard to avoid Adora.

The night air was thick and musty in the building. Catra couldn’t tell if it was old rain water gunk or if some people pissed in the building. The heat was bringing the worst of smells out. 

Catra couldn’t sleep. She kept thinking about Adora. 

The more she thought of her, the more her heart raced and ached and begged to see her again. She couldn’t, though. What would Lonnie say or do? She had left her and she didn’t know whether Lonnie told her. Her stomach was rolling at the idea that Adora was only being polite over text… that if she saw her again, Adora would bombard her with questions about being homeless, about… about her sex life. 

By only the light of her phone, she guided herself out of the pitch-black warehouse. Once outside, she felt choked in the heat. It was so humid, but she knew it wasn’t going to rain. It hardly ever did in So-Cal. 

Suddenly, she could hear the crunch of gravel approaching. She hurriedly shut off her cellphone light, tucking away into the darkness again. 

Fuck.

She thought they only checked on Tuesdays? 

Dammit. 

She couldn’t possibly climb up to her camp in the darkness, and her phone light would be a dead giveaway. 

She could always run? She could run. Catra was ready to slink away, prepared to bolt from the supposed security guard, but she saw something else. 

She saw Adora. 

Catra froze up and her heart threatened to jump out of her throat. 

Adora didn’t notice her at all as she approached the stationed train nearby. Her hand went up to the locomotive, dragging it against the side. She was tracing the graffiti there, following along it. She seemed to be searching for something. The stopped. 

Adora was looking at Catra’s newest piece she did earlier today. She had nothing better to do. Usually, she’d have a place lined up already, but… 

Catra gritted her teeth, closing her eyes. 

But, she couldn’t. 

Her… she—her heart was being compromised. 

She… she only wanted Adora to… touch her, and sleep next to her… Catra missed the luxuries of having a bed, her sore back was evidence to that, but she missed using a fridge, used to having a hot shower. Those sort of things were taken for granted and so many people never thought of how lucky they were to have a place to call home… 

It hurt Catra. It made her mad, because she had promised herself that she wouldn’t do this. She told herself—fuck, no, she taught herself to not feel these sort of things, because now she felt loyal. Now she felt conflicted. 

What was more important to her? Staying ‘loyal’ to some girl she wasn’t even dating, to listen to her dumb heart that wanted to be romantic and stupid and true, or to be realistic and hop to the next girl so she could have food, a hot shower, and clean bed to sleep in? 

Catra had to put herself first. She had to. 

Her eyes opened, staring at Adora who was still looking at her new piece. 

This girl was… she made her feel more than she could afford… if… if things were different…

Catra couldn’t stop watching her. She desperately wanted to run to her, hug her, and tell her she missed her, but she was rooted. 

If she did that, there would be no coming back. She’d forfeit the hardened skin and mask she painfully created over the years. She would never be able to sleep or look at another girl again. 

Somehow, Catra found herself mesmerized by this girl who had only shown genuine, dorky compassion and love. Never asking a thing in return. 

It was true… it was real… she was smitten. 

Catra silently protested when Adora removed herself from her art. She felt her feet take steps forward, ready to pull Adora back to her when the blonde started the trek out of the trainyard. 

Love couldn’t put food in her stomach. 

Love wasn’t going to give her a bed and shower. 

Only Catra could.

She only knew one way how, and it didn’t involve Adora. It excluded her. For Catra’s sake, for her survival’s sake.

**.  
.  
.**

Adora showed up.

Catra couldn’t contain her surprise. She couldn’t help the excitement that surely showed in her eyes. Not only that, but, Adora was dressed in a way she normally never did. She looked like a Nike model. She looked like—like—like beautiful. 

It stunned her to her core that she showed up. She didn’t know what to say or do. 

It had taken almost a week for her to gather her courage and go to Lisa for a place to crash. She had been with her for only two days and she was already spreading their pillow adventures. Lisa’s big mouth was telling any and everybody who would listen about their sex. And, Catra felt pained to think Adora heard any of it. 

But something was off. 

Adora wasn’t acting like her bubbly, dorky self. She had an aura of aggressive confidence. Whatever Lisa spat at her, she slapped back without mercy. 

It was—Catra didn’t know how to feel. It was like the world was playing a giant joke on her. She had come so far to try and keep herself well off, but Adora was smashing her chance in front of her eyes. And she was happy for it?

She wanted Adora to beat the living shit out of Lisa, too? Her only source of ‘home’ at the time being? 

Her heart wanted this girl more than it wanted food and shelter. Her kindness and smiles had become sustenance itself. 

But when?

How?

Why did this happen to her? 

“I’m interested!”

Catra came to again like she was slapped. Blow after blow, Adora was knocking her heart and emotions around. They were rattling inside her like a rattlesnake, warning her for the deathblow to come. 

How could she tell Adora she couldn’t? That her life was so fucked up and she’d ruin it?

Adora couldn’t give her a home. She would live on the streets forever if Adora became her girlfriend. Was it such a bad thing?

Yes, yes, it was! Her mind was screaming at her to brush Adora off, but her heart was choking her, yelling in her other ear to wake the fuck up! Things will get better!

This hope… she hadn’t had it since Mara and everything went to shit after that, remember, idiot? 

Catra kept beating herself up. Adora was trying to get her to look at her, but she couldn’t. Even if Adora was being laughed at. She couldn’t. 

If she did, she’d beat the shit out of all these people. She’d roar she liked Adora, too, and everyone in the world could go to hell. 

“You killed the vibes.” She forced out, barely glancing at Lisa’s feet. She was afraid if she looked up, everyone would see it on her face—she was whipped. The guilt of ever touching another girl besides Adora was overcoming her heart. She felt like such shit. 

Here Adora was, confessing to every cool dickhead she liked her, and every one with common sense laughed at her—knowing full well Catra didn’t do relationships. Whether it was because they thought she was a helpless slut or lost cause or both didn’t matter. It hurt all the same. 

Even Catra pitied Adora. 

Catra knew what she was like on the inside… and it was a mess. She didn’t want Adora to deal with that. Nothing good could come of this. Nothing. Nothing!

But her heart cried. 

She felt happy to hear that these feelings went both ways, that Adora wanted her, too. Even if she was acting a bit weird. She wondered if she drank? 

“I think I’m going to go hang with Adora for awhile.”

At least to get her out of the party and to tell her they wouldn’t work. She had to come up with some excuse, but she was a coward. She didn’t want to tell Adora why they couldn’t. She didn’t want Adora to pity her, too, like how Lonnie did. She’d punch Adora in the throat if she saw that same look on her face. She wanted to be seen as an equal—that her lifestyle and how she survived didn’t dictate how much respect and agency she could have. She didn’t want to be pigeonholed into another ‘fuck up’ label.

But, side by side with Adora, she was, wasn’t she? Miss Perfect with the world at her feet. Next to her, people would see that Catra was nothing. She amounted to nothing. They’d talk of how Catra didn’t deserve her. Just like how they talked of how she didn’t deserve anything—love, happiness. They didn’t know her life, but they judged… oh, they judged… and, Adora was in the pinnacle of spotlight. 

Catra didn’t want to say their words got to her, but she didn’t want to think how much worse it’d get with Adora. 

Her mouth was running now. She was trying to give Adora reasons as to why it was nice, but no good. No good. Adora was trying to get her attention, but she didn’t want to see the pained look on her face. She didn’t—

“Catra! Look at me!”

Adora didn’t let her go. 

Her eyes were locked with Adora’s. 

Her heart won. 

No. 

No!

Catra felt her heart melting. She felt her body slumping and relaxing in her rough grasp. What little resistance she had left was escaping her lips, coming up with bullshit reasons to knock it off, to stop Adora, but, she was fucked. 

She was so fucked. 

If she kissed her, she’d never be able to return to how she used to live. She couldn’t hop couches anymore because she knew Adora came first. 

Adora would be… her Adora. They’d take care of each other, or Adora would try to, right?

Then they kissed.

Sloppy.

Gross.  
Adora’s tongue was practically in her throat and their teeth were clashing everywhere. She kept trying to show her how to do it right, but she couldn’t. 

But it was Adora’s kiss. 

Her body surrendered itself to Adora. 

She was all hers. 

And, Catra knew deep in her heart, that was the biggest mistake she was making in years. She was going to regret this all one day. Adora was going to leave her just like Mara did and she’d be left with nothing but receipts. 

No. 

Her mind was speaking up this time. 

No. Adora isn’t like Mara. 

She’s better. Kinder. Sweeter.

She’d never leave like Mara did. She’d make sure they were taken care of. Things would be better, so much better. They could make it—it was going to work. Adora was going places and liked her.

It was worth a shot. 

Catra just had to hope and trust her. 

She could do that, couldn’t she? Just for a week.

Or a month.

Or forever.


	15. Coffee

Catra fit differently against Adora’s body. She was so used to the heat and fullness of Glimmer that she was almost left wanting. She only woke because she practically impaled herself on Catra’s claws when she tried to roll over. 

“Ow.” Adora winced, pulling away, but her mind wasn’t registering it. Catra had slept right against her back, face buried in her hair. In fact, her hair was trapped underneath Catra’s cheek. A deep pang of guilt and discomfort was welling up inside her stomach. She hadn’t planned for Catra to sleep next to her, or ever asked. She would’ve never asked. 

Glimmer. 

If Glimmer saw that, or anyone for that matter, it would’ve been taken wrong… It would almost be toeing the line of ch— Adora slowly began to pull her hair out from Catra. 

Her heart was silent on the matter. It wasn’t screaming joy or fear. It was like her whole body was trying to remain calm, trying to not feel, because Adora was scared. First, she felt her throat constrict, then her stomach began to roll and flip, and, before she could school herself, her breathing became shaky. If Glimmer saw that, she would be upset. She would freak out. If Adora was Glimmer, and, hypothetically, Catra was Bow, and she caught them sleeping like that, she would be freaking out, too. 

Finally, her hair was free and she was able to noiselessly slip out of the bed. Her heart was thumping in her chest and she walked to the window, pulling the curtains back and staring out the window. Silver Mountain laid ahead, looming over them with the last of the snow on top.

Glimmer would’ve loved this. 

Adora closed her eyes, recalling last night’s conversation with Catra, or, rather, the lack of it. She only cried after asking her. Catra gave her a dry apology and just sat there, watching her cry, and wiping tears and eventually rubbing her back and, somehow, some way, Adora had fallen asleep. 

That was it. 

She had gotten an apology… but it felt so shallow. Why did she think an apology would change her mind? 

Did she even want it to change her mind?

Adora wished she woke up to Glimmer and she could kiss her fluffy pink hair, or she’d wake up to pancakes topped with a diabetes amount of whip cream, sprinkles, fruits, and chocolate syrup. Hear Glimmer singing awfully to the radio as she ‘secretly’ made Adora a surprise breakfast. Adora kept checking behind her, afraid Catra would wake up, scared of what may come next. 

Waking up like that… it felt foreign but familiar. Like a childhood memory resurfacing. Her body relished in it, but her mind was already barricading itself from the truth of it. She could only think of Glimmer and how her crying face looked like. Her heart kept lurching. As much as she wanted to say she was uncomfortable, she also felt at peace. Like she had gotten the best sleep in a long time. Maybe she did? Catra wasn’t trying to call her at one-am, drunk, stoned, or both, and wanting to fight or scream at her. There were no aggressive texts calling her out on old shit. Only Catra curled up against her back, tangled in her hair. 

It brought Adora a sense of comfort and peace. It felt like the worst was behind them, but she couldn’t trust that feeling. It was too calming—too good to be true. There had to be a fault in why she felt so relaxed. Paranoia was gnawing at the back of her mind. 

Adora closed the curtains and went to Catra’s bed—the bed she should’ve been sleeping in, not Adora’s—and she sat at the edge of it. Immediately, her shoulders slumped and she buried her face into her hands. 

_What the fuck am I doing?_

**.  
.  
.**

“Glimmer,” her voice rose in the murmur of the coffee shop, “are you okay? You haven’t touched your coffee or your scone.”

“Sorry, mom,” Glimmer put her phone down, staring at her cup. It was lukewarm by now. She didn’t know why she ordered the scone, she wasn’t hungry, but she ate it. It was sweet and brought some enjoyment at least. “I just miss Adora.”

“Adora?” Her mom sipped her tea. “Did she go somewhere?”

Ever since Adora came into the picture, Glimmer and her mother had been acting on better terms than before. Adora never said anything directly, but Glimmer knew she was a positive influence in her life. Enough to resolve the unsaid issues between her and her mom. 

“She’s on a trip.” Glimmer still felt uncertain on how much to tell her mom, though. They may be on better terms, but she had a certain degree of what was right and wrong in a lot of her opinions. If she felt something was incorrect, she wouldn’t mince words. Out of love, though, of course, out of love. 

“A trip? Did she have a basketball competition?” Her mom’s attention was on her now. “It’s unlike you to not go with her.”

“No, she’s—well, she’s on a road trip with a friend.” It was easier to word it that way, but her mom knew her best. She could sense her withholding information. 

“And you didn’t go with? Adora invites you on everything.” She raised an eyebrow. 

“She—okay, well,” Glimmer cut the act, frowning deeply, “it’s her ex…”

“Her what?” Her mom’s eyes widened a little. “She’s on a trip with her ex?”

It wasn’t hard to see her mother’s immediate disapproval. It wasn’t like Glimmer didn’t trust Adora—her girlfriend had always done right by her, but she felt so isolated and alone. Bow was gone so she couldn’t vent to him, and who else did she have? Bow’s girlfriend, Perfuma? No thanks!

“Yeah… it’s a long story…”

“And you agreed to this?” Her mom’s eyes narrowed a little. Glimmer shrunk in her seat, feeling the disappointment. “Glimmer?”

“I—she needed the closure… her ex kept calling for two whole years… and they left on bad terms… Adora cares for her and wants to be friends…” Glimmer moped, staring at the floor. 

“Sweetheart,” her mom eased up, exhaling and putting down her mug, “I’m not mad… just confused…”

Glimmer peered up at her, frown deepening, but eyes hopeful. 

“Are you sure?” She asked, hesistant. 

“Yes, of course,” she smiled softly, “I’m just… what brought Adora to all of this? It’s unlike her to… to do something like that.”

“What do you mean, ‘like that’?” Glimmer had an inkling at what it was, but she didn’t want to outright say it. She wanted to hear her mother say it—to affirm her feelings were correct in it all. 

“Such an obvious bad choice,” her mom admitted, “to be honest, Glimmer, when she’d stay over, I overheard some of the conversations you two had.”

Glimmer didn’t quite know what to say. 

“And I’ve heard Adora step outside and argue with a person on the phone. Is that her ex?” 

Glimmer wondered just how much her mother heard beyond that. It made her cheeks red but she nodded. 

“Probably.”

Angella’s brows furrowed as she stared down at the table. She was deep in thought and Glimmer couldn’t ever read what she was mulling over. It frustrated her, especially on such a subject. It made her wonder if she was secretly judging her, but—okay. Glimmer redirected her thoughts, collecting and sorting them. Now wasn’t the time to get defensive or upset. Her mom had told her multiple times that sometimes she just needed time to think. Not everyone was like Glimmer and just said what was on her mind. 

“Are you okay with that?” Angella finally asked. “That Adora is on this trip with her ex?”

“I agreed to it,” Glimmer said. Though, especially now, she wished she hadn’t. It had only been a day but she was freaking out. Especially after hearing Adora practically admitting there were still feelings. Even after seeing the magazines with Adora’s notes and writings about a future with her. 

It just didn’t sit right. 

“But are you okay with it? If you knew Adora wouldn’t get mad, would you had said yes still?” Her mom reached over, taking her hand. It crushed her to know her mom knew her too well. She didn’t want to say it loud, she didn’t want to admit she felt insecure and scared and that maybe she doubted her own trust in Adora. 

“I—”

“It’s okay to say you wouldn’t, Glimmer,” Angella squeezed her hand. “It is okay.”

“I don’t think I would’ve!” Glimmer groaned. “I don’t think I should have! I even asked her if I asked her to come back at any moment if she would! And I feel like she won’t!”

“Oh, Glimmer…”

“Mom, I don’t know what to do! What if she leaves me? Her ex is so much—she’s just—”

“She’s what?”

“Mom, she’s skinny! She’s hot! She has cool eyes—two colors, mom! Two! And, she’s super cool from how Adora talked about her! What if Adora sees her and suddenly just stops liking me? What if she never comes back!?” It was exploding out of her mouth so fast that even other patrons were looking at them, confused and unhappy with the outburst. 

“Glimmer, inside voice,” her mom reminded. 

“Sorry,” her hands shot to her mouth. Worse of all, she did things like that. She forgot her manners or would shout or be too loud. She was clumsy and stubby. Compared to Catra she felt so—

“Glimmer,” her mom stroked the back of her hand, “darling, I know you’re scared… I could feel it the moment I picked you up… but, you shouldn’t put yourself down like that.”

“Huh?” Glimmer hadn’t mentioned a thing about herself. 

“All of what you said, about Adora’s ex, you seem to have a high opinion of her—and, you’re scared Adora won’t come back after being around her… you’re not giving yourself enough credit, Glimmer. You might be selling Adora short, too.” 

“I—I didn’t say anything about myself—”

“Yes, but I can hear it. I see it. You feel like her ex is better than you, and, that’s absolutely not true. Look at you, you’re a beautiful, smart, energetic, and ambitious young lady! You have your head on your shoulders and going to college and will graduate soon. You’ll lead a strong career and you have a good heart. What is there not to like?” Her mother’s voice was full of love and not once did Glimmer see an ounce of hesitation in her eyes. Her words never wavered. Her mother was speaking the truth from her heart and it made Glimmer feel queasy. 

Could she believe her mom was correct, or would she just believe what she wanted to hear? She didn’t know what was right or wrong. 

“I just—”

“Looks are not everything. Even if her ex was as grand as you’re making her out to be, which, I think is utterly silly, Adora has been with you for two years, darling. I see how you two look at each other—and, I like to believe I’m a good judge of character, but I have never seen a sign of Adora being able to cheat or do that to you… You must have faith.” 

“Mom…” Glimmer felt her eyes grow misty but her mom removed her hand before it could get that far. 

“Also, Glimmer, I hate to break it to you, but, you’ll be late to your class if you wait any long—”

“Ah! Oh my God! You’re right! Augh! I have to go!” Glimmer frantically was dashing about her chair, grabbing her things, stuffing free napkins into her bag, and was out the door like the speed of light. Angella was used to it but she still felt a frown on her face. 

It was very odd indeed for Adora to do that. She had never expected the girl to do that, and, she would never admit it to Glimmer, given she was near breaking down and needed positive encouragement, Angella felt doubt towards Adora. 

The girl had been rightfully and lovingly brought into their little family and treated like one of their own. She had done right by both of them so far and had never once done a bad thing (purposefully). If she made a wrong, she was quick to fix it. Perhaps stumble sometimes but always corrected it. 

However, this… from the very start, the moment Glimmer said it, Angella wondered just how much her trust and faith in Adora was misplaced. It was just… so unlike her… that it screamed danger. 

In her heart, though, Angella wished deeply that Adora would prevail. She didn’t want to think of the consequences otherwise.


	16. Three Dancers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> About You by FLETCHER

When her and Glimmer met, Adora often left out some important details on how they got together.

**.  
.  
.**

_A Year and Months Ago…_

Swipe.

Swipe.

“Take me on an adventure,” Adora quietly mocked, huffing as she stared at her phone. So many girls were swiping on her but she couldn’t bring herself to be interested. “Beer and weed!” 

She was leaning against the gym equipment, waiting for her next client to show up. She was late, but Adora didn’t quite complain. She had stayed up too late and was in a bad mood to begin with. Catra had called again and kept accusing her of shit she didn’t need to hear. 

It felt like no matter how far she was, Catra was right there on her back. For fucking shit that she had done to herself. 

To her. 

And wanted Adora to apologize? Fucking idiot. 

Adora stopped. 

There was a girl with pink hair on here. Curious, Adora checked her profile out and found that it wasn’t the usual spiel of beer, weed, Netflix, adventures, or hiking.

Hm. 

Adora idly scratched her chin, flipping through the pictures of the girl. All of her poses were memes and she was thicker than most. She looked like she was having fun and she was with friends everywhere. Friends. Adora wondered what Lonnie, Rogelio, and Kyle were doing. 

Most of all, she caught herself wondering what Catra was doing right now. Whether she was awake and at her job, or if she was fucking some other girl— Adora grimaced. She really needed to get a social life up here. She couldn’t hangout with Perfuma forever. Not that she wasn’t nice and cool but she didn’t want to suffocate her. 

Adora hummed, swiping right on her. It wouldn’t hurt and she was the first person she met who showed an actual personality. 

“At least it isn’t another dumb couple,” Adora grumbled, pushing off of the equipment when her phone beeped. It was a unique ringtone from the front desk, alerting her client was coming in. It was someone new that had signed up this morning. She didn’t get a chance to look—she was a popular trainer since day one. 

Adora froze. 

The girl had pink hair. In fact—

“Oh.” The girl didn’t notice her. She was pulling her phone out of her pocket and stopped. Her eyes were glinting with curiosity and excitement. She tapped around on her phone, unaware of Adora gawking. 

“Oh no,” she said out loud, “she’s hot! She wouldn’t go out—” her eyes went up as she put away her phone and saw Adora staring. 

They both dumbly stared. 

“Uh—”

“Hi, I’m Glimmer! You heard nothing!” The girl practically appeared beside her, grabbing her hand and shaking it. “This is really awkward! I could literally die!”

She was a lot cuter in person.

**.  
.  
.**

“Like this?”

“Like this,” Adora was smirking to herself, leaning close to Glimmer and adjusting her stance. She purposely put her hand on her hip. 

Glimmer was red in the face from exertion and arousal. 

After a month of working together, they ended up fucking. In the gym showers. It had only been a few weeks since then, but they couldn’t keep their hands off each other. Every session ended with them screwing somewhere. 

It was nice and fun, but Adora kept thinking of how this happened with Catra. She was expecting Glimmer to tell her it had to stop, or for Glimmer to show red flags. 

But there wasn’t anything. 

“You’re teasing me,” Glimmer laughed, moving away, but smiling brightly with gleaming eyes, “you’re such a punk.”

“Your punk,” Adora snickered, pulling away and watching Glimmer start the rest of her sets. “You’re getting a lot stronger. I can see the muscle in your thighs.”

“You could feel them later, too,” Glimmer jabbed playfully. Adora felt her cheeks redden as she grinned. It was hard to be in a bad mood around this girl. Every time they met up, she caught her stomach hurting from laughter or cheeks sore from laughing and talking. So much so, Adora looked forward to work every time Glimmer was scheduled. It wasn’t even for the sex… and it was scary. 

Every conversation or interaction, Adora caught herself guarded, waiting for Glimmer to say an off-handed comment… but it never came. 

With much flirting, they finished their session and Adora followed Glimmer to her car. A bit weird. Usually it was the shower room or an unused recreational room. It wasn’t even dark either… Adora felt herself grow nervous. She didn’t want to get caught in broad daylight fucking a client at her job’s parking lot. 

Adora opened her mouth to protest, ready to suggest elsewhere, but Glimmer had unlocked her car, snatched something from the front seat and—Adora’s face was stuffed into a boquet of flowers. 

“I’m really bad at this!” Glimmer said all too loud. Her voice was always super loud when she was nervous. “But I’d really like to go on a date with you! I know that maybe you just want, uh, other things, but I really like you!”

Adora took the flowers, staring at the beautiful arrangement. It was full of pink roses and baby’s breath with intricate little white flowers and sprigs decorating and complimenting the gentle shades of blush roses. 

“I—” this was the first time Adora ever got flowers from someone. Ever. Catra was always saying she’d get her some… one day, one day, she always said, promising, but she never lived up to any of her promises. Yet here Glimmer was, a girl she had been sleeping with, asking her out with flowers. When she moved, she hadn’t expected to find someone so quickly. Adora was so scared. 

What if Glimmer got bored of her and left?

If Glimmer became her girlfriend, was she a loyal lover? Would she cheat on her?

Adora kept staring at the flowers. 

Would Adora be able to live with being cheated on again? 

“Please say something before I drive away and never show my face here again! Ha-ha-ha!” Glimmer cried through gritted teeth, forcing a laugh. “I’m losing my mind here!”

Adora peered down at her. 

Like something coming undone in her—Adora could feel the chains fall, she could feel the warm late summer air whisk her heart away again. She felt the rapid increased thumping of her heart. That familiar bliss of being giddy. It fluttered in her as if it never had ripped itself from her chest months ago. How wretched. How fucking awful. How easily Adora felt betrayed by her own feelings and heart. They had been down this road only once and she already feared it. Nothing made her knees shake except the idea of getting left behind, of getting reminded her all wasn’t enough. Here she went again, though. The smile came all too easy on her face as she felt herself giggle, nervous, shy, like some school girl being confessed to the first time. She tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear, looking away. 

Blooming inside her was a field of wildflowers. Amongst it was Glimmer. And far away, she could still see Catra, turned away, never facing her, but always being the silent sentinel—an obelisk to the foolishness she had before—an epitaph to blindly believing that love could fix everything. 

“Y-you’re really sweet,” Adora felt herself gush, “I’d love to go on a date…”

Flittering like sunlight through trees leaves, she felt parts of her soul rest for the first time in months. The loneliness that ebbed at her heart waned and went. It was simple, it was natural. It came like wind and sea to Adora to fall for Glimmer, inch by inch, sweeter and slower, and until they were each other’s like two dancers on the ballet stage. It was like life had orchestrated all this torment and pain to lead them to each other. But, even in this bliss, even as time progressed, in Adora’s shadow as she walked every inch of their stage, she felt that silent dancer, that lonely phantom, of Catra’s hold, her breasts against her back, and her breath on her neck, kissing her, whispering,

‘ _You will always be mine._ ’ 

**.  
.  
.**

The freeway was nestled between mountains, going through long yellow fields that were wet and matted with the last icy crusts of winter. Trucks and cars went at steady paces, they passed slower semis, and the Prius was eerily quiet. Not even the radio or Adora’s music could save them from it.

They had eaten breakfast and completely ignored the amenities Adora thought they’d go to. They just hopped into the car and left as soon as it was time to check out. It was like they were pretending they didn’t sleep right next to each other.

Adora kept her eyes on the road, but her thigh itched. Her mind was playing tricks on her, making her feel fake heat near it. She’d catch herself glancing to her thigh, expecting Catra’s hand ready to rest on it, or to see it already there. 

Adora might’ve gotten a good night’s rest, but her mind felt like she hadn’t slept a wink. Any moment, Glimmer would call, crying, or to just check up and she’d blurt it all. 

_But you’re not turning around._

Adora bit her tongue, trying to will that voice away. 

_You didn’t get after Catra._

Adora kept worrying her bottom lip. She knew that Catra saw. It was her nervous tick that she couldn’t help and she hated that Catra knew how upset she was deep down, but Catra didn’t ask. She didn’t say a word. 

So they drove.

For two hours in dead silence until they hit the capitol. 

Welcome to Missoula, MT! 

It was only three in the afternoon. Missoula was their last stop before the final stretch to Yellowstone. It’d be a four hour drive the next day, but they’d leave early and reach just in time to check-in. They’d spend the night, stick around a day, then leave early evening back. 

“Fuck!” Catra finally hissed. 

Adora glanced over to her, watching as the city got closer and closer. 

“What is it?”

“We left the booze back at the resort.” Catra grumbled. “They were practically full.”

Adora cursed to herself. Belvidere wasn’t cheap. 

“Oh well,” she said in spite of it, “I wasn’t planning to drink.”

“Well, I was,” Catra huffed. 

Adora glanced over and saw Catra’s eyes lower. She could see the disappointment and sadness in them. It was weird—she wasn’t one to show her feelings so easily. She looked as if she was being scolded or heard something awful. 

Adora chewed on her bottom lip some more. 

“We can get some drinks with our dinner or something.” Adora shrugged. “It’s no problem.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, it’s fine.”

“You sure? You said you didn’t want to drink.”

Adora rolled her eyes. 

“A beer won’t hurt, Catra,” she snorted and saw it garnered a small smile. “Don’t be such a crybaby.”

“Hey! You better stop before I start pulling receipts, Miss I-Never-Cry-Watching-Sad-Movies.”

“HEY! I CAN EXPLAIN!”

**.  
.  
.**

__

_Some California Summer Night, Long Ago…_

 

“Adora! Get down!” 

“Watch this!” Adora was on the roof, giggling, and winking at Perfuma who was half laughing and half worried. 

“Catra! Talk some sense into her!” Perfuma pleaded and Catra had her phone out, snickering. 

“Jump, babe! Jump! I’m recording!”

“Whee!”

“Wait!” Mermista cried out, making Adora pause before she tried jumping down into the pool. “You’re, like, drunk?”

“She is! She hammered down so many shots!” Lonnie was also drunk and wading in the pool. “Pussy if you don’t, Adora!” 

“I’mma jump!” And Adora did. 

“God! Jesus!” Perfuma screeched as Adora safely cannonballed into the pool. Everyone at the party screamed with laughter and yells of excitement, jumping in after her. “Catra! She can hurt herself!”

Catra was laughing her ass off as she waved Perfuma’s worry away. 

“Nah, she’s fine. She can take care of herself,” she put her phone away, “plus, she’s having fun—she always gets wild when she drinks. Usually does stuff she normally wouldn’t when she’s all uptight and shit.”

Perfuma shook her head but ended up laughing, because Adora and Lonnie began to wrestle in the water, screeching and howling with laughter. 

“Well, if you say so! As long as you know when to stop her. I’d hate for her to do something she regrets.”


	17. Please Don't Leave Me Behind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please Don't Leave Me Behind by FrankJavCee, Marionismagical

_Two Years and Some Months Ago…_

It didn’t feel right. 

It had never occurred to Adora that some things had to be done without prior experience or practice. Sex was one of them. 

Masturbate all she wanted but that wasn’t going to prepare her for what would eventually happen between her and Catra. 

So, here she was, blushing, hiding her face into her hands, and kicking the body pillow away in disgust. She couldn’t believe she just tried riding it while watching a video on how to ‘properly ride someone.’ She saw so many videos that YouTube somehow didn’t censor it made her sick with herself. 

Why couldn’t there be, like, other ways to practice? Maybe lift these kinds of weights, these stretches, or hand exercises—oh. Maybe there were? Adora rolled over on her bed, crawling back to her computer and typing in hand exercise for, uh, endurance and power purposes. 

So many sex tips had to do with intercourse. Like, Adora knew they had fingers and tongues and maybe toys—would Catra be into that?—hm—either way, it was useless information. No matter how much they described or showed the techniques, Adora had no rhythm in her hips. She couldn’t find a ‘tempo’ they always proclaimed. All her hips could do was buck. She always lost the pace they set or she’d start thrusting instead of rolling her hips. 

“Ugh.” 

It had been an hour since she started this. She felt so embarrassed she even had to. It wasn’t that, say, if it was another girl, she’d be worried… but Catra made her worried. She teased her so much already, especially when they kissed and how sloppy Adora was. 

So… if it got to that point… Adora would leave Catra unsatisfied. Her… girlfriend?... friend with benefits?... Adora also didn’t know the answer to that, but the fact remained that Catra had several partners. 

People who might’ve done worse than Adora, or, horrifically enough, much better than Adora could ever achieve. Catra had experiences to recall upon and rate Adora’s performance. Adora had to do better, she had to make it memorable—she just had to be good. 

She couldn’t be good if she went in blind. Nothing worked like that. 

She flicked through videos and walkthroughs and tutorials on how to improve hand strength and endurance. Some of it sounded really fake, some of possibly plausible. 

But she had to try. She begrudgingly retrieved the pillow and placed it back on the bed. She stared at it and then closed her eyes. Slowly, she slid onto it and straddled it. 

Try and try again until it was perfect. Or, at least till Adora stopped worrying about being perfect. Which never happened. 

Whatever happened first, she guessed.

**.  
.  
.**

“So, what is she? She’s not white. That I can tell.” Catra was talkative as they sat at some bistro. They decided to eat before drinking like responsible adults. Nothing spelled disaster than getting drunk on an empty stomach. Well, not that Adora was planning on getting drunk, but Catra was always one to. If they ever went out, Catra usually got shitfaced.

“What?” Adora blinked, coming to a bit. “Glimmer?”

“Yeah.” 

“Oh, uh, well, her dad was foreign or something. Her mom met him over in the UK, though.” Adora shrugged. It wasn’t a topic that her and Glimmer had discussed. Plus, she didn’t like talking about him. He died when she was very young and she barely remembered him. 

“Foreign? Wait, you say the UK but that doesn’t seem foreign. What’s the word… ethnicity, yeah, that’s the politically correct term,” Catra snapped her fingers. 

Adora snorted, lifting her craft beer up and sipping. She had already inhaled her burger and fries. Catra was still picking at her food. Always the slow eater. 

“I don’t know. I never asked?” It didn’t seem important to her. 

“Huh, well, interesting,” Catra shrugged. Adora couldn’t tell if she was trying to find something to pick at or if this was her making conversation. “I guess it doesn’t matter. Just wanted to guess what kind’ve food you’ve been eating because you act like you haven’t had a burger in forever.”

Oh.

Adora laughed. 

“No, it’s not that,” she grinned, “I was cutting carbs before you came up. I’ve been craving bad food and told myself I’d eat up when you came up.”

Catra’s lip turned into a mischievous grin. 

“Eat up?”

“Yeah, because what’s the point of vacation if—Hey. _Hey_. Not that way.” Adora’s face was turning red as she leaned back in her seat, staring down Catra. She felt like if she glared that it’d give her too much satisfaction. “You know I wouldn’t.”

“You’re right,” Catra hummed, twirling a fry around in her hand, “you were more of a strap on girl.”

Adora couldn’t believe Catra was being so bold. She chewed her bottom lip, trying to find something to say. She enjoyed it, the banter, that is, but she couldn’t allow Catra an inch or she’d take the mile. 

“Don’t worry so much,” Catra exhaled, stuffing her mouth with the fry, “I’m just teasing. Jesus. You act like I’m just waiting for you to ravage me.” 

…

Adora never considered… Catra might not be attracted to her… even with the conversation they had, it was a… possibility Catra might not want her physically…

“Let alone whether I want you to,” Catra stood up, fishing her phone out of her pocket. “Speaking of, I have someone to call really quick. Have the rest of mine. I’m done.” 

Catra sauntered off and Adora was left more confused than anything. 

Something in her was itching up a storm. What Catra said rubbed her the wrong way, but it should be okay. Adora should be fine with feeling and knowing that Catra might not consider her sexually anymore, but it felt like a kick in the ego and heart. 

Adora glared at Catra’s half full plate and huffed. Dumb. She brought it closer to her, going to town on the leftovers without remorse. 

Why did it even matter?

Catra was probably banging someone right now back at home—she meant California. Not home. She wasn’t even her girlfriend and, if Adora recalled right, she was a really shitty girlfriend when she was one. 

Dumb.

Stupid. 

“Whatever. If I showed any interest,” Adora shoveled the last of the fries into her mouth, “she’d be all over me.”

It made her angry to have Catra even say she wouldn’t—she knew she would. Trying to act coy and like nothing was between them… it was so like her, but Adora knew. She knew deep down that it was just another game. 

But what if it wasn’t?

What if Catra really didn’t want her anymore?

Then it meant Adora was the only one that—No. She felt nothing! Adora grimaced and took a big drink of her beer, trying to water down the food lodged in her throat. She was overeating. It was really going to mess up her bulking and cutting process, but whatever. 

Whatever. 

Fuck Catra and her dumb games and acting like she didn’t want her. Whether Adora was taken or not, there was a part in her that refused to believe Catra would ever move on. Not in a bad way, but—no, it wasn’t good to wish that either, was it? She just—no matter what, Catra should always want her, because this couldn’t be an isolated feeling only Adora felt. Right?

… Right?

**.  
.  
.**

“It’s not going well?” Scorpia’s voice was so expressive even over the phone. “I’m sorry to hear that, wildcat. Wanna talk more ‘bout it? I have a bit before I go into the next meeting.”

“Yeah.” Catra frowned. “I just don’t get her… one moment, she’s giving these, like, body signs she wants me to do something, but, I do it, because, y’know, she’s practically physically asking me to! Then she jumps like I’m trying to molest her or something and then she goes off ‘bout how much she loves her girlfriend! It’s like what gives!”

“Oof,” Scorpia sharply inhaled through her teeth, “I don’t know. It can mean a lot of things, but, you didn’t say she had a girlfriend before?”

“Oh, yeah, long-term girlfriend, too. Live together and everything.” Catra rolled her eyes. “She seems pretty happy with her, but it’s just… I don’t know…”

“Well, Catra,” Scorpia had that tone. The tone of ‘I’m about to say something you don’t want to hear’. “Maybe she is happy, but I know that doesn’t make you happy. Maybe she has feelings but doesn’t want it to go anywhere? Or she still likes you but doesn’t want to hurt her girlfriend’s feelings? Either way, Catra, I don’t think you should push something she might not want. Looks bad, y’know?”

Catra growled but relented. She was so used to snapping whenever people dug too deep into her insecurities or thoughts, but she knew Scorpia. 

She was the only person to take her off the streets and not fuck her for it. First person who remained her friend and never strayed from it. Catra knew the woman had feelings, but, she just… she didn’t know what to do with them. 

So easily things could fuck. 

So easily sex could ruin it. 

She didn’t want to do that… Catra hugged her knees closer to her, watching the ants that were marching up the curbside by her. 

She didn’t want Scorpia to leave her. She was the only sense of home she had… besides Mara… besides Adora…

Scorpia clicked her tongue. 

“I’m sorry if I said something that hurt. Y’know I don’t mean it that way. I just don’t want you getting hurt, y’know? This Adora… she left you so quickly…” Even if Scorpia knew Catra cheated, she still was there and trying to help and even defending some of her points she felt were selfish. “She knew you had baggage, but didn’t stay to help sort it out. Or even say goodbye for that matter… I don’t know this Adora, but, what if she just wants sex and then you never see her again?”

“I don’t—I don’t know.” Catra didn’t know if that was Adora or not. “I don’t think she can do that. Especially to a girlfriend she loves.”

“Oh, so she loves her.” 

“Well, yeah, I mean they live together?”

“We live together,” Scorpia started, but stopped, “but, ha-ha-ha, y’know, we totally don’t love each other. Like I do! BUT, y’know! Ha-ha-ha.”

Catra smiled a little. Scorpia was easy to read. It made it easy to relax and be herself around her. No jabbing, no insults, no bragging… just plain Catra. Hold the salt. 

“I get you.” 

“Okay, good, ha-ha-ha.” Scorpia’s forced laugh of panic was endearing in ways. Like a child talking too fast when they got caught doing something sketchy. “But! Just, y’know, be careful!” 

“I try, but I do what I do.”

“Yeah, but try to be more safe than usual? This ain’t not cut or bruise, kitty cat. This is some heart stuff, which hurts the worst if you aren’t careful.” Scorpia knew how to keep heavy topics light and sweet. 

“Got it, Captain.” Catra joked, earning a giggle on the other end. “Well, I better go. I said some stuff to get Adora worked up. Woops.” 

She wasn’t sorry. She even laughed about it. Sometimes, it was too easy to punish Adora for being an uptight jerk at times. She deserved it for being weird and giving mixed signals. 

“Oh, okay! And play nice! I mean it!” Scorpia tried to scold but she was too sweet to do that ever. “Don’t be doing dumb stuff. Oh! I miss you! It ain’t the same around the place without you!”

Catra really did miss the studio loft. Scorpia made hella bank with her sweet executive gig. Catra almost dared say she was being spoiled rotten to where she could never live a different lifestyle. 

“…I miss you, too.” Catra quietly replied before quickly hanging up. She hated saying mushy stuff like that. 

Blegh. 

Even if she meant it. 

Catra got up, dusting herself off and wandered back to the bistro to find Adora still simmering and glaring about. 

Haha. Oops. 

“So, let’s go to the hotel, freshen up, and hit the bars?” Catra thumbed in the direction of their place. “Or, are you too upset to go out now? I was only teasing. Can’t I—”

“Yeah, sure, whatever,” Adora shot up, laying some bills down, “let’s go. I need a drink now.”

Catra wondered if Adora still danced terribly, and if she still needed Catra's hands to guide her hips to the tempo... 

"Cool."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are you guys losing interest in this? (I'm not but I feel like people lost interest in this.)


End file.
